[Snoopie6254]

I have been in this relationship with this man for a little over a year. Not only is he my boyfriend but he is also my best friend. He is 21 (and I am 26) and has a best guy friend/father figure 40 year old man and this mans family who he has known since he was 12 who were kind of there for him because he didn't have a dad and his mom was never around. I absolutely despise his friend and friends family they are rude and mean people who have treated me like crap. In the beginning of our relationship is when all the questions were asked such as "how many people have you been with and etc.". A couple of situations have happened recently nothing big but things to start putting doubt into my head.

Problem 1: I hate porn, I told him in the very beginning I hated it and I won't be with a man who watches it. I even told him about a previous relationship I was in and I found out that that guy was watching porn while we were together and how HORRIBLE it made me feel. When we started dating he promised he would never watch it and the other day I was looking something up on our computer and in the history it showed a ton of porn from three days before. When he got home I asked him if he watches porn and he said no, I then brought out the lap top and showed him that I knew that he had watched it and that he just lied to me.

Problem 2: Because I had already had some doubt formed in my head from previous situations and then the porn I went through the whole lap top. I had to dig deep but I found multiple videos of him having sex with a woman, a video of his ex masturbating and tons of photos of naked girls. I knew from all the dates that none of this happened while we were together so he didn't cheat nor do I think he has cheated on me. But as I said in my very first paragraph, in the beginning we had the talk and he did tell me about that when he lost his virginity it was to an older married woman and her husband was in the room. BUT he told me that it had just happened once and he wouldn't tell me who the people were which actually almost ended our relationship that night. So now not only did he have sex with her MORE than once but they were recorded with a camera.

So once I confronted him about the porn I then said and would you like to tell me about this and it was the folder with the videos and pictures. He said that he "forgot" about that folder and as we sat there and talked about everything lie after lie just kept unraveling. I love him so much and gave up pretty much my whole life for him and I didn't break up with him but I did tell him he has definitely broken a bond between us and my trust and I'm going to ask him questions and he has to answer them all truthfully.

Well last night when we were getting ready to go to sleep I said "I must know the whole situation on how this went down with the married couple" because this is not the movies, a couple is just not going to stroll up to you causally at a party and say "hey wanna have sex with my wife". His reply to my request was that I didn't want to know. So finally after about 30 minutes of badgering him he tells me. IT WAS HIS 40 YEAR OLD BEST FRIENDS WIFE AND HE WATCHED!!! Through out this year we have been together, he has been to that house TONS of times and even stayed the night and I never thought anything of it BECAUSE their like family. He swears to me that the sex stopped 2 years ago and he has never done it since we have been together and I believe him. But again he LIED to me!

I don't want to break it off with him but I am so hurt and my trust is completely gone, plus I can't get the images out of my head.

So please help, help me with things that can be done to build the trust back and please please please help me with ways to get these images out of my head. I don't know what else to do. and I'm sorry this was so long

[hamster-bamster]

You need to force yourself to replay the images as frequently as possible, until you become desensitized to them. It is called a paradoxical approach and it is usually the one that works the best. Since the video of his having sex with the wife of his older friend is available, you can watch it until you become desensitized. Paradoxical approaches usually win, because if you try to force the images out of your mind, you are likely to see them come back only more frequently and more intrusively.

He did lie to you, apparently, since you asked him about the number of partners looking for details, right? Because if you were not looking for details, but only looking for the figure, then he did not lie to you, technically speaking. You know better how the conversations unfolded between the two of you in the beginning of dating.

Also note that he might have been embarrassed since his sexual rite of passage happened under non-standard circumstances, and he might have been afraid of negative judgment coming from you. If you want to hear true disclosures, you need to make sure that you position yourself as a safe, non-judgmental person.

[kaliope]

you need to decide whether you can ever trust him again. he is unlikely to want to break off ties with his "family" but are you going to want to continue a relationship with him knowing his relationship with these people or are those memories going to haunt you with each contact he has with them. can a relationship built on lies really survive? can you force him to make a choice between them and you? would either of you be happy with that choice?

[jadzea]

Snoopie, this is a terrible situation to be in. Sometimes it is better not knowing things but there are things you really need to know. In this case, I think you really need to know that your BF will easily lie to you. His past is bad enough, but it is in the past and nobody can change it. Telling lies on the other hand can become a way of life. My philosophy has always been that I can't believe anything someone tells me once I know they lie.

You have to decide if you can accept the fact that he lied to you and may lie again. If you can, forgive him, stay together and good luck. If you cannot, pack your bags and go.

His relationship with this family sounds pretty unhealthy. He may agree to not deal with them again but they have already influenced his behavior and thinking. If you truely love him and want to forgive him counseling my help. I somehow think a relationship is very fragile if you need counesling when you are dating but the decision is yours. Good luck and God bless whatever you do. Let us know what happens.

[unaluna]

It sounds to me like this young man has been abused by this family. And given your stand on pornography etc, it would be an uphill battle for you to be involved with them. I would get out if I were you. I think you want a different lifestyle for yourself.