[CBCS]

This is my first time in a message board. Ever. So please bear with me as I muddle through this. I actually just wrote this and posted it in the wrong section. It is not posted yet as I just signed up and it needs to be reviewed, so I'm going to rewrite it here. This is going to be long, so if you were looking for something quick to read or respond to, this one's not for you. Something very serious has happened to me and it will take a little background. Thank you in advance for your time.

I am a man in my mid-forties. The last several years have been a downward spiral for myself and my second marriage. There have been things said in arguments on both sides that were hurtful. There has never been physical abuse on either side. It has been volatile, though, and the words cut deep. This past year was the worst and we hit rock bottom. I've never been a drinker, but I began having a drink every night to numb the pain. In the last month, the average increased to three. I was not getting drunk, but I was needing more and more to numb myself.

There was a quiet desperation. I was prepared to grind it out for life, miserably, but I had moments of wanting to put everything on the line. Let's fix it or be done. We were disconnected. Detached. Unhappy every day.

In arguments that were more intense she used to threaten divorce. That often stopped me in my tracks and things would die down. Lately, I would just say, "Stop threatening. Just do it. I'll sign..." or things to that effect.

We got into an argument Saturday last week because she had lied to me. It was getting heated. She began texting in the middle and a short time later a man knocked on the door and served me with divorce papers.

I have played out this scenario in my head before. Most likely I expected to yell and storm out, and that would be it. My preference would have been to be cold. Just not speak to her, pack some clothes and leave. Instead, I was numb. In shock. We spoke calmly to each other. We went to bed.

The next morning I woke up and the strangest think occurred. I felt nothing except for deep love for her. Everything was stripped away. The cards were on the table. I could walk away from it all and start over. I expected anger, or relief, yet all I felt was love. Even more strange is that I felt that there was a chemical change in my body. I was different.

I went to my bookshelf and grabbed a book and accompanying workbook on saving your relationship. I had bought it years ago but never even cracked the spine. It was perfect because it didn't focus on the relationship (yet). It focused on me. How I created the environment. What my behaviors were that contributed. It wasn't saying I should be a martyr, but that I had no control over my wife, only myself, and that's what I should focus on fixing before I approach the relationship.

I dug deep. I did (and am doing) the exercises. I'm learning about myself, truthfully, for the first time in my life. I am not happy with who I have become, but I have hope for the future. Hope I have not felt in a long time. Hope regardless of whether or not I get divorced, but make no mistake, with this new found optimism, this overnight change in my body and soul, this commitment to better myself, I want to do it with the woman I love.

She may be done. I can't do anything about that. But I am taking daily actions to show the change. She is watching me carefully. We are talking. She checked out, so she obviously is suspicious and she doesn't want to go through the pain of doing this again.

I know this would only be the beginning. The work I would have to do would take years, maybe it's a lifetime of work. But the immediate thing is that I've had the overnight change. The work now begins.

So here it is:

Is it possible that I changed overnight? Does this happen to people? (Again, this is not an act of desperation. It would have been easy to walk away. I was done.)

If it's possible that this has happened, does it have a name?

Sincerely,

CBCS

[CastlesInTheAir]

Maybe its been in your subconscious the whole and you woke up, became aware of it, and you were no longer numb....you became present in your life.....

[gayleggg]

Only time will tell if you really changed or if it is just a reaction to the divorce papers. Hopefully, you really did have a life changing event. At least you are working on getting some insite to your actions and reactions to situations. One big thing is have you stopped drinking. That would be a big move in the right direction. I hope whether you get divorced or not you continue to work on yourself. I you will be happier in the long run. Good luck whatever happens.
Gayle

[CBCS]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

Only time will tell if you really changed or if it is just a reaction to the divorce papers. Hopefully, you really did have a life changing event. At least you are working on getting some insite to your actions and reactions to situations. One big thing is have you stopped drinking. That would be a big move in the right direction. I hope whether you get divorced or not you continue to work on yourself. I you will be happier in the long run. Good luck whatever happens.
Gayle

Gayle,

Thanks for the great reply. Oddly enough, when I think of alcohol now I get nauseous (sp?). That why I think something also happened to me chemically. If my marriage doesn't work out, I will continue to work on myself. I want the marriage to work, but I think I'm on a new quest regardless. I want to become the best man I can me.

Again, thank you.

CBCS

[CBCS]

Originally Posted by CastlesInTheAir

Maybe its been in your subconscious the whole and you woke up, became aware of it, and you were no longer numb....you became present in your life.....

Maybe. That certainly is not only logical, but very insightful. I'm getting that the people here are much smarter than me. I? Smarter than I? Me? See, I don't even know that!