[Thomi]

I'm struggling with past abuse that I thought I had gotten past but it won't leave me alone. My father was a very controlling, emotionally manipulative, verbally abusive and at times, physically abusive. My father had been controlling when I was young and he would yell and spank us but when I was a teen, he became much worse. My older half sister (his daughter) moved in with us and she would have outbursts and he and she would fight constantly. I tried to referee because the fights became violent and I couldn't stand by and let it happen. My father also became more abusive toward me as well. He would call me a *****, hit me in my face and when I broke up an especially violent fight where he was putting my half sister's head through an antique farm table, he threatened to kill me if I even intervened again. He was arrested for domestic violence after I came home after working 2 jobs during summer break from college and he started screaming at me for being out too late and blaming me for my younger sister (who was going to be a senior in high school in the fall) staying out too late. He grabbed me around the throat and I ran away. He ended up assaulting my mother and was arrested. This was when I was probably 20-21yrs old and I'm now 38yrs old. I've lived years without thinking about it too much but lately, something has triggered in me that I feel damaged by what happened all those years ago. I never dealt with it and I even defended him back then and excused him. My younger sister was never abused so she acts like he's the perfect father and my brother was just an infant/toddler back then so he has no recollection and my father has manipulated both of them into thinking he was wrongly accused. I remember perfectly all the things he did to my mother and I and I am so angry. I get so angry when I see his Facebook posts about being a God-fearing decent person and judging other men for treating women poorly. I don't know what to do about it. Why now? Where was my anger when it was fresh? Why can't it stay buried where it was now that everyone in my family has minimized his actions (even my mother who said on the night he was arrested that he threatened her with a knife and hit her!). I tried to talk to my mother who I thought would be supportive but she told me that the reason my father went after me was that I was always getting in the way, like I should have let him reef on my older half sister. She and I were never close but I'm a decent human being and no matter what, I would try to stop someone from being beaten. I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. I think it was all triggered when my father started talking to me the way he used to a couple years back. He was very verbally aggressive and abusive and he hadn't been that way in a long time (he had mandatory therapy that worked wonders until recently). Since then, it's been making me feel anxious and heartbroken. I feel like so much time has passed that I have no right to say anything now. With my mom saying that my mental illness (Bipolar II) is something I chose and that I could be different if I wanted, my father acting like a perfect angel until he verbally abuses me, my sister and brother treating me with disdain, I feel so bad about myself and I don't know what to do. I know my family is highly dysfunctional but I don't know what to do to bring peace into my life. I feel like if I cut them out of my life completely (I only see them on holidays and birthdays or when they want something from me, either way, it only serves to make me miserable) but then I'll have no family. I lost most of my friends when I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, most of them heading for the hills so I don't have a lot of people in my life. I do have a wonderful husband and a couple very good friends so I'm not completely alone, thank God. Anyway, thank you for listening. Just having people listen without judging is helpful.

[hamster-bamster]

You were probably triggered by your father's self-righteous posts on FB (it seems so, from the chronological description of events in your post).

It is one thing to let the sleeping dogs lie... back when your father kept quiet, he was tolerable

now that he posts self-righteous FB comments and behaves like an angel, you get triggered - the dogs are no longer sleeping.

This is a very difficult place to be in, especially since you stood up for an OLDER HALF-SIBLING.

[Thomi]

You know, Hamster-bamster, that makes complete sense. I get so anxious and angry that I have a hard time seeing what's going on in my own head. I used to work in social services so you would think I would have a clue but I'll tell you, it's hard when it's personal. I didn't block him but I hid his posts so I don't see them anymore (as well as the posts of my younger siblings since they tend to include him). I know it doesn't fix it but out of sight, hopefully out of mind. I feel better already: more at peace now that it isn't leaking into my daily life. It's funny that I went to cognitive therapy for so many years and never really brought it up. I guess when I have insurance, I'll have to go back and deal with all of this stuff. I could bury it again but I know it'll come back to bite me in the butt one fine day. Thanks for listening and for helping me.

[hamster-bamster]

There was a very long thread on here a month or two ago... many issues, AND, the OP (a married woman with children) worked in MH herself. But, when it comes to your own personal issues, everybody is just as vulnerable, whether you worked in social services or you did not. About ten years ago, there was a suicide case in the Bay Area.

the guy died.

he was a p-doc.

So, nobody is immune!