first love ..first breakup

Hi I am a new member to the forum. I apologise in advance for the length of this post. I met my ex when I was 21 years old. I was extremely shy, a virgin and grew up with (verbal, physical abuse...family members suffering from schizophrenia). He was a sweet and extremely sensitive guy who didn’t seem to realize how great and unique he was. In time he became my boyfriend and my best friend. He understood my dislike for social situations and my general awkwardness. From the beginning he had problems with depression and spoke about wishing his life were over. Weeks would go by without us seeing each other though he still saw his friends and messaged me constantly. I didn’t think this was good enough. Eventually I asked him if he thought I loved him more than he me. He said yes …he loved spending time with me but sometimes he would rather spend time alone. He apologized from the comment about me loving him more …he said he didn’t know why he said that but he was just confused and had a hard time making decisions.

Over the course of our 1 and half year relationship I started to get jealous about his close relationship with his best female friend. After numerous fights he broke up with me. I realised I was being controlling and that he needed other people in his life. I spoke to his female friend and I promised myself to never argue with him about it again.

He had changed though. He no longer wanted to socialize with friends. He stayed in doors and was more comfortable messaging. Whenever we spent time together it was at his house. I'd have to ask to come over or ask to go out but he seemed not be interested. He no longer said he loved me at will. He no longer liked to kiss except during sex….PDA's went out the window. Any intimacy was initiated by me. I felt him pull away from me and from his friends and asked him to see a therapist. I asked him time and time again if he would like to break up. He would always get upset that I asked but could never provide reassurance. His words were always tainted with uncertainty and he avoided serious conversations. Note though, when my grandfather died he was there for me in a way I didn’t expect he would be. We still messaged each other constantly, we laughed. In the week before he broke up with me he called me every night and we talked for hours. He liked to pursue projects and I would support him financially or with research. He liked technology and so I would buy his some crazy outrageous gifts simply because he would light up. For a few minutes his new gadget made him happy and that was enough for me. I didn’t care about the cost. I grew up poor but I studied hard and made more than my parents combined…money was never an issue for me if it made him smile.

One day he said he didn't want kids this became another issue. Out of the blue it seemed, he asked me If we ever broke up if we could be friends. I said no because I didn't know if i could handle it. He said I was fun and I had become his best friend now as well as girlfriend but that his question meant nothing. I was uncertain but after bluntly asking him he said he didn't want me as a friend but saw me as someone he would marry. I eventually told him he was more important than a kid that may never exist. He kissed me but didn't seem much happier. After asking if we could go out more, he said he didn't treat me the way he should and didn't even want to try. How could he love me if he didn't love himself? He blamed his depression and said he felt breaking up was best for me. He didn't want to drag me down. I gave him back his gifts but eventually messaged him begging that he talk to a therapist. Finally I asked if he loved me. He said he thought he did but then he thought he didn't since we broke up he thinks about me day and night. He missed me but if that meant he loved me he didn't know. He said he was thinking that he didn’t love me the way I wanted him to for awhile but didn’t want me out of his life. He didn’t think he would find a girlfriend that would treat him as well as I treated him. All that i could think was we had sex last week....you called me every night last week. When i said i loved you you said it back. He was finally honest. I was broken. Part of me feels like he used me for my time, my compassion, my interest, my care. But the other part says maybe he doesn’t know what he wants. I miss him and just want to pull him closer. I feel completely rejected.

You were right to suggest he see a therapist. I believe he actually needs a psychiatrist perhaps for meds. His depression sounds deep. As a depressive person, I understand how he feels somewhat. There are days when I don't know what I want or even who I really am. I push loved ones away because relationships take up too much energy. Energy I need just to keep myself going. I doubt he has any idea how he feels or it changes daily. Until he is ready to get help he is not going to get better. I'm sorry that means you lost your relationship with him. Depression wrecks lives.

It seems to me that until he figures out what he wants and gets help, you should leave him be for the time being. Because it seems like the more you get with him, the more he's dragging you down and sort of using you (although it isn't intentional due to his depression) all the more reason for him to get help. He can't keep pulling everyone down, especially his loved ones, and if you really love him, I think you should help him find someone who can actually help him in this condition, before it's too late. Good luck!