[lido78]

Out of the 3.5 years my boyfriend and I have been together, 2 have been plagued by his business/financial issues. They do not affect me financially (I've offered him a loan, and he's declined), but they are taking an emotional toll on me and the relationship, for sure. Much of our time is spent discussing the issues and ways to fix them, and this is frustrating as I have my own problems (that I mostly handle on my own) but am generally okay with my life and want to enjoy it. We do not live together, and there is no financial interdependence between us. However, he has become increasingly distant and depressed and I don't know what to do.

I cannot fix the problems (which would all pretty much be solved by money alone) and, because the problems are ongoing, I am forced to deal with them because they impact so much of our time together. I love him and would not leave someone just because they are struggling. However, this affects my day to day moods and is really starting to wear on me. I try to be upbeat and positive, but don't always agree with his decisions. I'm not sure how to help him if he keeps making the same mistakes over and over again (mostly trusting the wrong people). And, I sometimes get angry when he doesn't see things my way...Not because he must agree with me at all times and I have to get my way, but because I think his judgment is clouded right now and he may be acting rashly out of desperation.

Because of the depression, he also lacks the energy he needs to help himself get out of this mess. So, I try to provide the energy...I try to help dealing with contracts, lawyers, accountants, marketing, permits, etc. but need for him to do this himself at some point. If I were his business partner, I'd just handle this stuff as it's something I'm good at. But, I have my own full-time job, and I only do this now to try to help him. I've considered backing off completely so that he doesn't only associate me and our time together with the business, but it breaks my heart to see him struggle over things that are relatively easy for me (I'm organized and fairly type-A, so it's just the way I'm wired). He's a bit scattered and really liked to focus only on mechanical stuff (give him a car or machine to fix and he's one happy guy).

We handle stress very differently...he shuts down and gets very low energy (not great when you've got financial/business issues). I get anxious and high-strung...which, while annyoying, has helped me get myself out of many a predicament based on having the extra energy to "push through" a lot of situations...

I'm sure others have dealt with this and can provide insight. I guess my behaviour would be considered codependent but feel as if leaving him to his own devices would be like abandonning him...

[Perna]

I don't know that I would consider your behaviour as codependent necessarily, if you were married, your problems would be his problems, etc.

I would step back a little though, for my own stress level; you have to make sure you are healthy and doing okay before helping others or you won't be able to help -- remember the airplane oxygen mantra about putting on your own mask before you help children and aged/others having difficulty. But how to step back effectively?

My husband does our financial investment work and, since I am not involved in the day-to-day part of it it is a bit confusing and intimidating to me. I'm an anxious sort in the first place so the combination of my natural tendencies and the scope of our investments makes things worse. I asked my husband to write me a "book" on what to do if he died/got seriously ill so I had to take over the finances. Could you maybe think about and write out your analysis of your boyfriend's financial situation and difficulties and offer something in writing to him to help him? You could word it in a primarily educational manner to help him with the things you are expert at that he is aware you are expert at and relies on you to help with. Then you could give some overall pitfalls that many people have (choosing the wrong advisers/people around him :-) and make some suggestions of what you would do/have done?

It might make you feel a bit better as the two of you would have something tangible to refer to instead of the worries just wandering around his head in a mess he can't make sense of and you stressing about his stressing. Instead you could say, "oh, I hope that's on page 12" and point it out to him and you could feel a bit better knowing you were helping without having to be quite so intensely involved?

For yourself, I would look at his situation and see how you would solve it it were your situation and if it is solvable at all or if it is just going to be a mess for ever and ever or until the business goes under and he's left with nothing, etc. If it is just painful to watch but his struggles will eventually get him to dry land I'd keep that in mind as a sort of hope but if you think he's going to end up drowning then I would either try to step in more forcefully and find someone he would/could trust to tell him that and direct him or I would decide to step away as you don't want to go down with him?

[lido78]

Originally Posted by Perna

I don't know that I would consider your behaviour as codependent necessarily, if you were married, your problems would be his problems, etc.

I would step back a little though, for my own stress level; you have to make sure you are healthy and doing okay before helping others or you won't be able to help -- remember the airplane oxygen mantra about putting on your own mask before you help children and aged/others having difficulty. But how to step back effectively?

My husband does our financial investment work and, since I am not involved in the day-to-day part of it it is a bit confusing and intimidating to me. I'm an anxious sort in the first place so the combination of my natural tendencies and the scope of our investments makes things worse. I asked my husband to write me a "book" on what to do if he died/got seriously ill so I had to take over the finances. Could you maybe think about and write out your analysis of your boyfriend's financial situation and difficulties and offer something in writing to him to help him? You could word it in a primarily educational manner to help him with the things you are expert at that he is aware you are expert at and relies on you to help with. Then you could give some overall pitfalls that many people have (choosing the wrong advisers/people around him :-) and make some suggestions of what you would do/have done?

It might make you feel a bit better as the two of you would have something tangible to refer to instead of the worries just wandering around his head in a mess he can't make sense of and you stressing about his stressing. Instead you could say, "oh, I hope that's on page 12" and point it out to him and you could feel a bit better knowing you were helping without having to be quite so intensely involved?

For yourself, I would look at his situation and see how you would solve it it were your situation and if it is solvable at all or if it is just going to be a mess for ever and ever or until the business goes under and he's left with nothing, etc. If it is just painful to watch but his struggles will eventually get him to dry land I'd keep that in mind as a sort of hope but if you think he's going to end up drowning then I would either try to step in more forcefully and find someone he would/could trust to tell him that and direct him or I would decide to step away as you don't want to go down with him?

This is very helpful. I'd love to be able to step back emotionally but still be able to help him out as needed. Unfortunately, given how different we are (in terms of things like occupation and risk tolerance), I doubt I'd ever be in his situation and can't really even relate to it. I like to work for other people and have worked at the same place for 15+ years. I have never craved owning my own business as I like to sleep at night! Although he actually has an MBA and I only have an undergraduate English degree, his issues stem from his failure to see "red flags" with the people he chooses to do busness with. He is much more spontaneous and "flies by the seat of his pants," and I am more into research and measuring twice.

The way that I would solve his issues would likely not work for him. I'd probaby close down the business and try to negotiate a settlement with any creditors while finding a more stable job with a well-established company...at least until I'm back on my feet. Then I might venture out again on my own later. I might also consider selling my house just to get out of any personal debt. I usually do not dither around when making a decision as the lack of decisiveness and uncertainty is more stressful to me than the actual end result. This is probably because I've never made such a bad choice that I couldn't fix it later. I wish I could set this to paper and ask him to read it in his free time, but I doubt he'd do it. Anohter issue is that he likely has ADD...so, focusing on something as boring as a business or financial plan would likely not happen (and this is probably the root cause of many of his issues). I try to help him remember stuff by sending him e-mail/IM reminders but worry that it will come off too much as "mothering."

It's a fine line with other people's egos, and I cannot force him to be more like me or to even take my advice. I just hate to see him struggle so much. I can try to get him to write things down with me...but, given the ADD, I think he'd only be able to focus for about half an hour....

Thanks...still processing what you've written, but I definitely need to not go down with the ship emotionally...then he'd have no one.