[littledolly]

I dont know what to my boyfriend always in a mood, he accuses me of cheating or doing something I havent. When he gets like this he tells me hes board of the relationship, doesnt love me, calls me a skank, slut, cow etc... Packs his stuff amd then after a while he doesnt go anywhere. Hes broken my door, called me hurtful names but yet he wants to marry me. He causes arguments and I havent done anything at all wrong. He blames it down to he wants a baby but I believe it his cannabis addiction. When I try to talk to him he walks off, says hes off to bed or puts a pillow over his head. When I mention hes hurting me he says oh yeah all my fault isnt it always my fault. He puts words in my mouth and makes me out to say things I havent. I just dont no what to do

[gayleggg]

No one deserves this abuse. You boyfriend needs professional help and until he gets it is probably not going to change. I would break off this relationship unless he is willing to get help. Sorry if I sound harsh but I lived with an abusive husband for 24 years before I was smart enough to get out.
Gayle

[otroo]

I would say kick him to the curb to put it bluntly. I mean unless he gets help it can only get worse.

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[mojo321]

Break off all ties from this *****. Even after a breakup he will try to drag you back into his universe. Don't let him. Just walk away. Just say I'm not talking anymore. Don't answer his calls. Don't give him ANY reason to think that there is still hope. EVER. If you can get a few months under your belt, with zero contact, then you can go into phase II, which is being flabbergasted if he ever tries to call you or see you.

I hop you aren't dependent on him for food and shelter. If so, you gotta fix that obstacle. Quick.

He's an abuser.. sorry. Mental and verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. Being nasty to you, playing games with your emotions - fear/guilt that he is going to move out, relief, feeling that he must love you when he doesn't, and of course, the dangle of the carrot - he want's to marry you and have a baby.
It's control, all of it. He's has serious problems. For someone who says he want's to marry you and have a baby with, he sure has a funny way of showing he loves you.

My advice? Get out while you can. The fact that you are here is you still having enough spark left in you, spark that he hasn't totally destroyed yet, makes me think you know this is not the way to live. This isn't love, and if it is, it's certainly not the healthy kind of love.

Please look after yourself first and remember you deserve better. If he gets therapy (which I pretty much guess he will not because he takes no responsibility for his actions) then perhaps you can make small steps later to get back together, only when you feel you can trust him, but do not stay with him while he is in therapy, this is something he needs to do alone.

Sorry... you've got a rotten one there.

I totally agree with all of the above statements. I too was in 2 abusive relationships in my life. One was for 5 yrs the other for almost 2 yrs. In my opinion abusers don't change so it's up to you to make the change. Which should be to get as far away from your abuser as you possibly can. I wish you the best!

[littledolly]

Iv told him to get help and he says nothing works for him hes had anger management and councelling. He said its because he wants a baby and my child isnt is. I know I need to sort this out but im worried he has a temper

[littledolly]

See the thing is he frightens me,hes broke my door started punching things and one point broke my nose which he said was an accident he sed I was stood in way when he stoof up but we was arguing at that point. Hes in my home, but I also have his mum and lil sis here coz their homeless

[avlady]

Yes I agree with everyone who answered, GET OUT HE"S ABUSING YOU MENTALLY. that is how it starts and often times turns pshysical. Get out while you can, go to a woman's shelter if possible and have no contact with him anymore. There are so many other nice men they are out there and you don't even need a relationship to save you-i mean don't go running into the arms of another abuser, they all seem to be attracted to women who are abused.Please get out!!!

[mojo321]

What I find interesting is, if this guy came onto the board saying things like "I don't know why I treat her like this...." and on and on from HIS point of view, we would all probably be giving him advice on how to save this relationship in light of the fact that he may be bi-polar, or something.

But that would be wrong. Littledolly, he is likely going to try and sway you to start seeing it that way. You don't need it. From your description, he has crossed the point of you benevolently helping him "get better". It would all be at your expense and his pleasure if you stay. Get away.

Originally Posted by mojo321

What I find interesting is, if this guy came onto the board saying things like "I don't know why I treat her like this...." and on and on from HIS point of view, we would all probably be giving him advice on how to save this relationship in light of the fact that he may be bi-polar, or something.
.

I guess you are still sore from the replies to your 'shortism' thread. First of all, this isn't about that. Second of all, I would tell a man if he came on this board saying this that he should let her go, and sort himself out before embarking on another relationship. I would also be a fraction more sympathetic - why? Because of the very fact he came here, admitting he a problem.

Unlike this OP's fella, who doesn't.

[mojo321]

Wow.

I'm not sore about anything. Just calling it like it is.

But thanks for that. (It's completely separate and unrelated, but nonetheless, that thread has caused me to do a lot of reflecting.)

Now, how you think that thread is at all connected to what I posted is completely beyond me.

Anyway, my point, if you read it, is to caution her that he is going to pull out all the stops. Which may actually include something like that.

It isn't worth it for her to stay. So what, you take offense at the idea that in other threads we could potentially be helping abusers keep their relationships alive? Have you really never stopped to think about that?

And last, I still can't believe you brought up the body size and shape discrimination thread. What else can I say? Did I hit a hot button for you or what!

The second part of your post was spot on, I thought it was good advice.

The reason I remarked on the first part is you seem to be talking about double standards, otherwise what did you mean? Double standards was something you talked about on the height thread too. I just didn't see the relevance with it here - sorry - which lead me to believe that you had a problem with folk not being 'on your side' at the time, which you did remark on. You seemed sore. So apologies from me, but I am still left wondering why you make the first part of your comment.

Anyway, I am going to stop this, am hijacking, apologies to the OP too. I hope she finds some help and some peace soon.

[mojo321]

My point was, relationships are a two way street. Even abusive relationships. It isn't hard to imagine, especially in dysfunctional relationships, that either party could garner support, if they word their positions properly. I would bet it happen all the time.

But abuse is abuse, and the victim should get out of it, even if the abuser can manage to convince her or others that he deserves empathy and support.

and by the way, notice I said WE:

and on and on from HIS point of view, we would all probably be giving him advice on how to save this relationship in light of the fact that he may be bi-polar, or something.

I wasn't picking on anyone. It's just reality.

I too apologize.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by littledolly

I dont know what to my boyfriend always in a mood, he accuses me of cheating or doing something I havent. When he gets like this he tells me hes board of the relationship, doesnt love me, calls me a skank, slut, cow etc... Packs his stuff amd then after a while he doesnt go anywhere. Hes broken my door, called me hurtful names but yet he wants to marry me. He causes arguments and I havent done anything at all wrong. He blames it down to he wants a baby but I believe it his cannabis addiction. When I try to talk to him he walks off, says hes off to bed or puts a pillow over his head. When I mention hes hurting me he says oh yeah all my fault isnt it always my fault. He puts words in my mouth and makes me out to say things I havent. I just dont no what to do

For starters, don't have a child with him! That will leave you susceptible to more antics than the ones you've listed.
*Accusations
*saying he's bored of the relationship
*Name calling
*causes arguments
*blaming
*possible addiction(s)
*ignoring you
*says it all your fault, no accepting personal responsibility
*putting words in your mouth

Clearly, he doesn't sound like someone who is working through their own personal baggage and trying to become a better human being. Clearly, selfish, in the sense that you are the scapegoat for whatever pain or disorder(s) lies beneath the surface.

Doesn't sound like a loving, respecting relationship. Love is more than illusion. It takes two people, who are willing to work together to creating a functioning relationship, and if that includes sorting out ones own self, then that's what it includes.

You, can only give what you can give. Stress of not being met halfway in life, and name calling and all the other things from the above list will wear a person down. And is that what you want? It's true, we can't change another. And this bf of yours, sounds like he needs to change. You can change yourself. But to what will you change yourself to?

Do you really not know what to do?