Question

What’s the best way to talk someone about how their action affects certain people?

I follow this procedure with my special ed students to show the relationship between cause and effect:

1. Identify he action
2. Tell them how it makes you feel or react
3. Tell them how it makes you want to REACT to them
4. Ask if there is a different action they could do, or offer a solution if asked
5. Acknowledge behavior is hard to change and ask if there is anything you can do to help such as loving reminders...not nagging.
6. Make sure they know you value them and their effort.

**Note: I break it down further with specific instances with them..but I figure you could handle step by step procedure. **

Example:

My Ex wouldn't stop farting in public. So, here is the conversation that ensued:

1. Honey, I don't like it when you fart in public.
2. I find it embarrassing and rude, and I am pretty sure others do as well.
3. It makes me not want to go places with you or invite you out with me.
4. Is there any way you could excuse yourself to the men's room?
5. I know sometimes it can't be helped, and I appreciate any effort you put into this. Is there anything I can do to help such as carry antacids or beano in my purse?
6. I appreciate your help on this because I enjoy my time with you.

Now the ball was in his court. Of course, he didn't stop the behavior, but he understood it was embarrassing to me. His nature wasn't to take my thoughts and feelings into consideration because I was a woman and younger than him.

I added this little bit in to ensure you understand that just because someone understands how their actions effect or affect you, doesn't mean they feel like changing them.