[GC80]

I'm 33 and still living with my parents. I'd love to move out, but my mother is clinging to me like her life depended on it!

The problem is the disabilities in our family -- my sister is autistic (she's 25 but has the mind of a 6-year old) and my dad had a brain haemorrhage in January last year, and now suffers from hemianopia and aphasia (as well as having a very poor short-term memory). Both my dad and my sister also have epilepsy, and I'm now the only driver in the house (my mother has never even taken any driving lessons, as she expects that she'd never be able to pass a test due to her anxiety) and the others in the family also depend on my for any technical help (not just with computers, but with most other electronic devices).

Also, my dad hasn't worked for 20 years before the stroke (preferring to live off my sister's disability money) which understandably makes my mother feel a great deal of resentment towards him.

I had a look at a flat to rent that seemed reasonable back in April, but before I could sign a lease my mother found out (she noticed that my bank documents were missing) and she was absolutely livid with me! I got an angry phone call almost as soon as I arrived at work that morning, and was so shaken up I forgot to eat lunch that day!

We're living in a former colliery village in northeast England (population c. 2000) and she claimed that only two men in the entire village had moved out of their parents' house in order to live alone, and those had only done it in order to allow their aging parents to move into a bungalow. She brought up multiple examples from the village of men in their 40s or even 50s who were still living with their parents, while shaming me with talk of how dutiful they were to them. She also said "it's a good thing your grandparents didn't live to see you pulling this on us."

I did tell her a bit about the flat I'd been contemplating, and she said "you want to live in a flat? What if the person below you had been playing loud music all night? And these day, if you complained about the noise he'd probably stick a knife in you!" I replied "mam, you always think in terms of worst-case scenarios" to which she replied that her motto was "no use crying after the event". She also claimed that my estimated expenses for independent living were way too low.

She said I should be thinking in terms of buying a house not renting a flat, but I don't want to buy yet as it would lock me in place and perhaps make it harder for me to move to another part of the country (such as to take a higher-paid job). Also, I don't think a single person (or even a childless couple) needs a whole house -- I thought houses were more for families with children...

She ended up crying about how I'd "destroyed her" and "you do know you're sister is crying worrying about you if you're so much as five minutes late back from work. What would it do to her if you left home altogether? And she couldn't have her laptop or iPad anymore if you weren't here, and don't say you'd pay for the internet access anyway. Who of us could keep it running?"

Later on, on her birthday (always a fraught day for her, as she shared that birthday with her own late and beloved mother) she said that if I left home I might as well stick a knife in her before I left, as she'd kill herself if left alone with my dad!

I feel especially depressed in the summer (we're actually getting a proper summer this year here, unlike last year) because that's when the pretty dresses come out to play, and I'm fearful I may never be able to have a girlfriend due to being imprisoned in this screwed-up family.

How can I get a life of my own without driving my mother to suicide?

[Perna]

Hi GC80, welcome to PsychCentral (PC).

I don't know that you can live your own life and your mother's? I would try to think of a whole lot of scenarios and see if you could put some of each in place and then escape and use the various pieces to help.

How about talking to the family doctor? Could s/he somehow help some with either advice to you or ideas of how you could have people check in on your family if you were not there?

Could you get a better paying job somewhere else and send back money? Maybe your mother would not be quite as unhappy if there were more money?

Could you go to school (or work) that required residence some/most of the time and get your mother use to a slightly different schedule/seeing you less often?

Could you find a duplex flat/houses somewhere and arrange so you could live close/next door to your family but have more of your own space?

Can you take up a hobby/job that takes you away from the mess of your family longer or allows you to be doing something you enjoy on your own?

It sounds like you might have to either get far enough away that you were truly away or ease yourself away bit by bit? Figure out a scenario where your sister could visit you if you got a flat/new place to live so your mother can't use the argument about your being late upsetting her or perhaps your father could live with your part-time so it frees your mother of being near him? Figure out a scenario where your mother could come visit you on her own so she gets some time away from her worries and your dad (someone to sit with your sister/father).

Make sure you see what is "real" versus your mother's version of reality? Does your sister really get upset? Are there other ways you could comfort your mother or help her with her anxieties and difficulties? Can you get other friends' mothers to take your mother under their wing or get her to go out with your to church or civic events and get to know/enjoy some other people so she is not so dependent on you?

I think I'd also be tempted to point out my own individual needs to your mother in the same language she uses so she can experience what it feels like or how others see it; tell her you one may be sticking a knife in her if you leave but she's sticking a knife in you by smothering you in this way and see if you can get in a good discussion where the two of you come up with a way to make the two of you happier instead of just one or the other of you?

[GC80]

Originally Posted by Perna

Could you get a better paying job somewhere else and send back money? Maybe your mother would not be quite as unhappy if there were more money?

I think I'd find it too stressful to learn how to live independently at the same time as starting a new job.

Anyway, I think my mother's biggest problem is loneliness rather than lack of money. She has no real friends, and her only living relatives outside our house are her brother (not on speaking terms with), her nephew (homeless) and her in-laws (who have little to do with us and live miles away).

If you want to learn more about my situation, you can look up the Dysfunctional Families threads on the Making Light blog, where my username is "Codemonkey in NE England" (in reference to my job as a computer programmer).

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time. Perna listed some suggestions that might help you.

She said I should be thinking in terms of buying a house not renting a flat, but I don't want to buy yet as it would lock me in place and perhaps make it harder for me to move to another part of the country (such as to take a higher-paid job). Also, I don't think a single person (or even a childless couple) needs a whole house -- I thought houses were more for families with children...

She ended up crying about how I'd "destroyed her" and "you do know you're sister is crying worrying about you if you're so much as five minutes late back from work. What would it do to her if you left home altogether? And she couldn't have her laptop or iPad anymore if you weren't here, and don't say you'd pay for the internet access anyway. Who of us could keep it running?"

It seems like your mother is purposely making you feel guilty and being manipulative, which isn't cool. I think it's unfair that she's putting this burden on you. I think you and your family would benefit form talking to therapist about this.

Also, you mention that your mother doesn't have a drivers licenses due her anxiety. Yes, driving is scary and it took me a while to get mines. Your mother needs to step up and get over over her fears and take some responsibility. You can't be the only only one in the house that drives.

I think it's possible for you move out your parents house and still be able to help them out. I know you care about your family but you need to live your life.