Beyond the point of repair?

I sit here at my keyboard while she walks around, obviously pissed, at yet another small and ultimately meaningless, disagreement. Her words, when she does speak, are filled with annoyance and contempt. And the twisted part is I deserve this treatment. Not because of what I said or did at this moment, but the absolute hell I have put her though in the past.

Let me give a little background. I have bipolar. I prefer the nomenclature Manic-Depressive illness, but most know it only as bipolar. When I met my girlfriend I was undiagnosed and unmedicated. Up to that point due to my reclusive nature, avoidance of social interactions and what my counselor describes as "a strong ability to rally", my psychosis went unchecked and unnoticed by those around me. When I was extremely manic or depressed I kept to myself. At the time I believed my wild mood swings were just people not "getting" me, or just being intentionally obtuse. This all changed when, after talking for years online, my girlfriend and I meet up in real life and shortly after moved in together. Our relationship was a very rocky one. I always believed she was trying to control me, that she would argue for no reason. She kept saying I had an anger problem to which I would always respond that I would not if she would stop being so *blank*. Fill that in with whatever you like. It changed daily. On top of this I was violent when my mania's hit. I would never touch her, but I would yell and cuss her out, call her all sorts of hurtful names and throw objects around, slam doors, hit walls. She was genuinely scared of me. But she stayed. She tried. She bought books about anger and dealing with people that had anger. She went to the internet and looked up the common factors in all our fights to find how to fix it. She found many different relationship counselors which we went to. For a time she believed she was the problem and looked up ways to be a "better girlfriend". This went on for three years. Now, I am in treatment for bipolar. I am on medications, I take them religiously, and I go to counseling. My manias are not as high. My depressions are not as low. I have went months without a major episode, something that before would only last a few days. But still we fight, but the roles are undoubtedly reversed.

She is bitter, angry and fed up with me. She wants what she envisions the perfect relationship to be and anything that does not fit this view she attacks with ferocious intensity. Rather than look at the circumstances of a situation she will immediately assume that I am "against her" or what she wants to do despite my pleadings that it is just the opposite. Quite frankly, she does not want excuses but at this point in the game that is all I can give. Many times over she brings up what was done in the past and I have to tell her that was my illness. She will see some small thing that, in the past, would have been an indicator that a manic state was starting and she will throw up her hands and say something along the lines as "not this s*** again!". I attempt to reassure her that everything is fine but she will not listen. She brings up the "then who the hell is the real you?!" in nearly every disagreement (I use disagreement instead of argument because I never try to argue with her, just attempt to show her that I am, in fact, on her side). One of the most frequent and intense disagreements is that of intimacy and affection. While unmedicated I would either be in an extreme manic state where I would be very irritable and mean towards her, or in an extreme depressed state where I would not want her to be around. So she has not received the love and affection she deserves for many years. Now that I am medicated, I put extra effort into showing affection. However, this does not usually work out. See, when she becomes pissed, she stays pissed and will NOT allow me to show her affection. She turns away my kind words, refuses to accept my apologies and absolutely does not want to be touched or held. Something as small as being busy at the computer when she comes home and not greeting her at the door with a kiss could lead to night full of pain and accusations that I am not "fulfilling her needs". It is sort of a self fulfilling prophecy. She believes she will not get what she wants, she does not get what she wants at the moment she wants it, she blames me for never giving her what she wants, becomes completely unapproachable for the rest of the day, I am now unable to give her what she wants. It is a maddening cycle. But what can I really say? After all the BS I gave her for three years, isn't she entitled to what she wants? But that also begs the question, given these circumstances could I ever give her what she wants?

I have thought long and hard about whether the relationship can be saved at this point. To my utter despair and shame, I believe I have pushed her so far away that it would be absolutely impossible to start over. I have single handedly killed her kindness, patience and understanding and have left this bitter, angry shell of a woman I once knew. Because of our past, I believe I could never give her what she needs and I want to encourage her to move on and find someone that she can start over with, someone that she does not view as a ticking time bomb. But my attempts to lovingly, gently, bring the relationship to a close are met with violent hostility. "Oh, you just want to cut and run?!", "I tried for three years and you can't even try for a month?!", "So you are just going to give up on me?! I never did that to you?! You are not even going to try?!". These words cut deep, and in the end I always resolve to try harder. However, I find myself trapped in a never ending cycle of pain and resentment. Can I fix this or will I have to make the painful choice to end the relationship and live with her hate and disgust of me for the rest of my life?

Binary,it sounds like you and your SO have been thru a lot together. She is still there with you...the best you can do is work on yourself and show her how much effort you are putting into getting well. Love can triumph insurmountable odds....D.

She doesn't seem to want to leave. She loves you, and wants to be with you. It sounds like right now she just needs well... a lot of support. I don't know how long you have been getting treatment, but it might not be long enough for her to heal or really accept the calmer you.

When she explodes and gets upset and won't let you near her? Could you maybe write her a letter with reassurances and put it down near her so that she can read it when you aren't in the room? When I'm upset, whether it's for a good reason or not, I really don't want someone else to be near me. I just want to be on my own to let the upset dissipiate on its own. Yet I'll also want reassurance that it'll be ok afterwards. It's rather contradictory.

She might just be doubting your sincerity if you're acting significantly different from how you have in the past. It's hard to learn to trust someone and believe they're genuine when you've been hurt by them in the past. It's a really slow process.

I hope that the two of you can work through things!

Welcome to PC. Sorry your relationship is so rocky. I really don't have anything to add to what has already been said. Have you considered couples counseling or are you already in counseling? Sounds like you may need outside help to work through the issues you two have. Good luck.
Gayle

I think the fact that she remains committed to you answers the question for you. She clearly needs to become educated about Bipolar, however, you need to understand the pain that bipolar causes significant others and if you are healthy, prove to her that this vicious cycle has finally ended and with her support you two can be the couple you were always meant to be.
While your actions during your manic and or depressive episodes were likely a direct result of your untreated bipolar, it still hurts and it still diminishes trust in relationships and many secondary issues., it takes time to process and get over.
If you love her, make it work, you stay healthy and help her process through the way she helped you....

Thank you everyone. I needed some reassurance that this relationship could be saved and your perspectives were very helpful. I will stick with it and hope she will come around once I have my illness completely under control

thank you all again.