Am I too shallow? (Trigger---please read with care talks about ED)

Hello! My name is Johan, and I want to talk about something that bothers me a lot. I guess lots of you are going to condemn me for my confession, and you know what? I wouldn't blame you at all, because sometimes I feel like a total mess, a shallow pig who isn't a good boyfriend at all.

Anyway... that's my story:

I've been together with my girlfriend for almost 3 years now. When I met her, she was slim and had a pretty healthy weight (BMI around 18), but still had some visible bones, which I found extremely sexy. I knew she suffered from anorexia in the past, and when we started to date, she was OK: she was restricting in a way, eating only once a day and counting calories, but still was healthy. But a year ago she relapsed (because of problems at work), and since then she's been going worse and worse. At first her BMI dropped to about 16, and now it's under 14. Many people tell her she looks skeletal, very unhealthy and reminds them of a concentration camp prisoner. She often faints, lost her periods and gets triggered by everything that's been told to her. I hate to see her suffering so much and would love to see her happy again.

But then comes the main problem: I can't help it, but I'm... attracted to her current body! Her face isn't gorgeous anymore (she looks much older than her real age), but I'm just turned on by her bony body! I want her to be healthy, but I also don't want her to gain any weight, because I think her figure is so nice right now. When she was at a healthy BMI, she had some hips, which might be seen as sexy by most men, but for me they were too wide and kinda beefy. I could live with that, and after all - the upper part of her body was fine, with some prominent ribs and pelvis bones, so I could just ignore the extra weight on her legs.

I've always been fascinated with very slim girls, and I'm not talking just model-slim, but very waifish and emaciated, with flat or very small breasts, narrow hips and bony. Not all my girls had it all (some were skinny, but still had curves, one was totally flat-chested, but rather normal in her weight etc.), so it's the first time I actually have a relationship with a girl who has the body I like most on women!

I also feel like I'm triggering her, and feel bad with myself because of that. I constantly compliment her on her looks and tell her how sexy and healthy she is, but it seems like she sees these words as insults! She likes it when people tell her she's way too thin, and being called "healthy", "well-fed" and "fine" is considered negative in her world. But I just cannot lie to her: I don't find her too thin at all, she's just perfect, and would be perfect even if she'll lose more weight! I would totally hate her to be at a "healthy" weight, because for me that's too chubby, and chubby girls don't turn me on at all.

So what can I do? Am I too bad to have a girlfriend? Am I dangerous for her? But what can I do about my special attraction/taste? I'm seriously confused and feel myself like a total scum sometimes!

PS: Looks like I can't submit pics or links. I wanted to post some of her pics, just to show what I'm talking about.

Johan, I'm going to try to say this as nice as possible...yes, from your own description you sound like an unhealthy partner. Your GF needs support and help not negative triggers. It does not matter what type of woman you are attracted to--that's your problem not your GFs. Man up and take into consideration your GFs health instead of your selfish lust....D.

Also, I think you got a thrill just from writing this post regardless of how you might trigger other members...thoughtless. And, yes, I'm glad you could not post pics of her--it'd be like showing off your trophy...I don't think anybody really wants to see what you are talking about.

Johan, I am not judging you and honestly feel touched by your sincerity. I do not mistrust you as a person for your confession.

We all have our kinks but unfortunately yours involves an extremely unhealthy life style. I find a guy shallow when he does not appreciate a normal body weight -- but I cannot blame anyone for losing attraction to a partner who goes beyond healthy weight ... this makes your situation very very different.
I think you need to accept that it will be best that your GF can return to normal weight, even the low 19 bmi as long as it is healthy and natural for her. However, I don't know how you could psychologically convince her to return to a normal healthy eating habit especially when you yourself are not entirely convinced that she should as well.

I hate to say it, but yes, you are likely a terrible destructive trigger. I understand that you care but you also need to be a healthy influence, otherwise you are poison in her life. Perhaps you need to find a counselor for yourself, because changes are going to happen with you if you if you are ever going to be an appropriate partner for her. A counselor may also teach you effective ways to support your girlfriend during recovery. Please please track your behaviors and comments to her and analyze them -- make sure every time the issue comes up between you two that you never let your 'bias' choose your words and actions.

P.S. I don't know much anything about eating disorders (someone who does, please comment on this!!), but recently I have managed to lose 35lbs and my BF has been constantly complimenting my smaller 'sexy' belly. I feel great about it and yet pressured to keep it that way or get it thinner, in hopes that he will approve of it more! It's giving me stress!! But I know it's not right for me to aim at additional weight loss when I am now 5lbs under 'overweight' BMI ... meaning that I am normal. When you compliment your girlfriend by saying she is sexy, she might feel trapped in keeping her smaller weight in order to retain your attraction.

I think it would help a lot if members who know more about ED would provide more information about how you could be unintentionally encouraging her condition.

I really have no words here. There are so many red flags and warning bells and all kinds of things all over this post.
I am curious as to why you posted this here. Are you upset and seriously at odds with your attraction versus knowing you are extremely dangerous (because you are) for her right now? You don't really seem to be all that concerned...although I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that the reason you are here and talking about this is because at least some part of you realizes what is actually happening here and knows that it needs to stop.
I need to be honest. I think you are the last person she should be with. And perhaps you should speak to someone about why you think concentration camp prisoners are sexy and why healthy is too chubby. Because I'm fairly certain that there could be some issues there. Everyone has kinks and preferences and whatnot but when it comes to endangering a person's life it kind of goes beyond that. And that is what you are doing.
I really don't blame you for feeling like a total scum sometimes. As someone who is recovering from an eating disorder, I can say it's hard enough doing so even without people supporting the unhealthy aspects. I'm not sure why you're with her if you don't love her enough to even mention wanting to get help yourself to look at why you're so willing to support her downward spiral. Especially if she's already losing periods and fainting.
I'm having a total WTF moment here. I just am. I hope you get help, and stay away from women until you work on your stuff. And I'm not trying to be a ***** when I say that.
And another thing...posting pics of a person without their permission is an extreme violation of consent. Does she know about this?

I think you should simply leave her and wish her well. Even if you make a concerted effort to abstain from commenting on how much you are attracted to the "hungry" look and to her protruding bones, you won't be able to hide the fact that you are attracted to them.

That is - as somebody said - like poison to her.

Anorexia is fatal in what - 10% of cases? It is not a small figure.

Leave her and let her be. Please. Please.

Something just popped into my mind: You should probably stop looking at porn/media involving unhealthy body weight. You're not going to be able to indulge in that fantasy and help your girlfriend at the same time. It's time to let go of that.

I don't need to see pics to know what anorexia looks like I only have to look at old photos of myself. And that would be a huge violation of your girlfriends privacy and dignity.

I think everyone said it all. You are not healthy for her. I am having a hard time seeing that you actuly love her. This is not how we treat someone we love. Anorexia is deadly at any weight. Heart failure doesn't need you to be completely emancipated to happen.

Maybe you need to not ve in a relationship untill you get some help for this attraction. If you continue the way you are with her which sounds encouraging of her going further with this and she dies, I see that as no different than helping her murder herself. Maybe you don't see it, maybe you don't really care. I don't know. But I know this is a subtle manipulative deceptive form of abuse on your end, under the guise of love. You cannot say you love someone in one breath and talk about your desire for them to totally disregaurd their own life for your pleasure in the other breath. Well you can, but it does not make it truth.

As far as intentions go, yours seem quite intentional. Going out of your way to tell her she is "healthy" when clearly she is not. And then you say she hates being called healthy and I am sure that drives her to loose more. Well yhere you have it then, is that a way to get her to loose even more weight for you? That is total manipulation and heavy mind games.

I have dealt with anorexia for so many years and this type of relationship would have killed me. I know that for certain. Would you want your mother, sister or any other female you care about to be in this situation and in this relationship?

You feel like scum for a reason, because you know that this is wrong, maybe you should stop ignoring that feeling and get some help. You don't have to be like this, it is a choice to continue. Whatever is driving your "attraction" can be worked with in a positive mannor. Not only are you being abusive to her but you are also being abusive to your own being by choosing to continue with this.

If you care anything for this girl, please break up with her because you will be the death of her.

Clearly your attraction is much more important than her life, if it weren't, you'd never cheer her on to lose weight no matter how much you actually liked it.

She deserves better. Much better.

And yes, do seek help for your unhealthy attraction, because nowhere are you going to find a growna.s.s woman who naturally looks like she's dying.

I mean I am naturally skinny, have almost zero body fat, wear the smallest size available, and I don't even meet your "requirements".

See what I'm saying?

So I do suggest help for yourself as well, or stay single. Because the alternative is singliing out women who suffer from anorexia and banking on their illness to give you your kicks, all the while making them worse off for knowing you.

Please stop adding to this poor girl's suffering.

And no, I don't think your behaviour is shallow, my 13 year old niece is shallow.

IMO, and I say this with all the respect I can mustre, your behaviour is acually downright sick.

Wow... you need help and she needs to get away from you for her own safety. Sorry to be so blunt but what you just described is seriously manipulative and abusive.

Only sometimes?

If you can't really see that what you are doing is wrong, how will therapy actually help?

The bottom line is you should leave her right now. You are not safe for her to be around.

1) On your being shallow - I agree with Trippin... to call yourself "shallow" is... let me try putting it so that it is not offensive to you - it is a "slight understatement".

You are not being shallow - you are an aggressor. As many people have explained already, this kind of aggression (coupled with a few other things that are not going well for her now) can lead to her death.

2) A person who is restricting in a way, eating only once a day, and counting calories cannot, by definition, be "OK" and/or be "healthy". "health" is a composite measure which is not defined by the BMI. "health", moreover, is a very complex composite measure. It includes physical, mental, emotional health; healthy habits and routines, healthy attitudes and practices, a healthy diet that provides a well-rounded variety of nutrients, and a healthy state of mind. A person who eats only once a day and is counting calories while she is being malnourished does not have any of the above, right? So how could you call her "OK" and "healthy"? Again, to the extent that what you did call her "OK" and "healthy" while she was not either, and, considered violating her privacy by posting pictures of her without asking for her permission, "shallow" is a GROSS understatement. And a "pig" is an understatement as well. All of that is egregious, and the most bothersome thing is that you fail to see it for what it is - a completely unacceptable, egregious, and dangerous behavior/attitude - and are toying with slightly negative terms such as a "shallow pig" and "not a good boyfriend".

I am not familiar with porn, but just in theory, if there is porn that shows malnourished bodies, maybe you actually should watch it and watch it a lot, to satisfy this unhealthy attraction you have via fantasy material, provided you are able to draw the line - firmly! - between fantasy and reality and not "take out" this attraction of yours on people in your RL. That could be a solution.

I agree with everyone else who posted here. You need to completely change your behavior immediately. I do realize that you have a certain preference and that you can't change your preference, but that does not give you permission to act on it. If your preference was stabbing people, would it be ok to seek out suicidal girls to date and stab them to death during intercourse? No it would not! Just because you are not technically forcing her to do anything does not mean that you are not an incredibly destructive force in her life.

For example, I have a very close friend who is a pedophile. He is incredibly sexually attracted to young children. He decided long ago that he would never act on this preference and never has. You need to do the same thing as my friend. Acknowledge that you are not a bad person for having your preference but that acting on your preference is bad. You can't choose what you are sexually attracted to, but you can choose to not hurt people for your own pleasure. I suspect you already know this and are just coming here to hear it from some more people so that you will have more motivation to change. Right? So change.

No, I don't think porn can help an issue like this. Porn doesn't stop someone from being attracted to something and I don't think it helps satisfy a need like that in real life. There are many aspects about the porn I watch that can't be literally recreated in real life, but those kind of things are rather small aspects that aren't essential to my sexuality as a whole. Being attracted to women who are dying of starvation and implying that he is only attracted to women like that (saying you wouldn't want your gf to gain weight and be "chubby") is a completely different issue than being unable to 100% recreate some fantasy or something.

I'm not going to say you're a bad guy because you are seeking help. People should not be afraid to seek help for fear of backlash, especially if what they need help with is hurting other people. But you are literally one of the last person your gf needs to be with right now. That doesn't mean that you are inherently a bad person who will never fix this problem, but it means that both of you need a LOT of real, professional help before you even think of having a friendship, let alone a relationship.

First off, you are completely uneducated about eating disorders. I can say this based off of how you approached this topic. Right out of the gate you start talking about BMI numbers on a website with tons of people seriously struggling with eating disorders. Talking about specific BMIs or weights can be EXTREMELY triggering to someone with a serious condition such as anorexia or bulimia. People with those problems often obsess over things like their BMI and bringing up specific numbers can either compare their BMI to that or if they are remission, make them wonder what their own BMI is and worry about their weight more/again. Posting a picture of her body would be way WAY worse.

Also, your information on BMI is also not completely accurate. You claim BMI to be an accurate indicator of someone's overall health when it is in reality a very flawed system. Some people who are completely healthy who don't look "chubby" have a BMI of 25, 29, 30 or even greater because BMI completely does not counter in muscle mass, weight in bones, or anything beyond just height and weight. Not everyone who is 5'5 and X weight shares the same overall health in regards to their weight. Maybe one of those people is that X weight because they work out a lot and have large muscles and the other one weighs that because of their dietary choices. Plus, you also quote a BMI of 18 as being healthy and "slim". Yes maybe that is true in her situation, but if you want to follow the the BMI chart, 18 is technically underweight. However, her BMI really isn't the problem. Counting calories when you are already underweight, eating only once a day, and obsessing over your weight is NEVER healthy.

If you did care about her and love her, you would truly want her to be healthy. Every part of you would want to see her healthy and happy. It would hurt you to see her withering away, not turn you on. If there was someone in my life that I loved and cared for that was having the problems she was having, it would be painful for me to watch. What this boils down to is that you truly don’t view this girl as anything beyond her body. I’m sorry to be so blunt about it, but that is the truth. You seem to have some feelings for her, but for whatever reason they aren’t as strong as your attraction to seeing her slowly starve. Complimenting her and saying she says she looks sexy after losing all of that weight is killing her. It is manipulative and you know it. That's why you do it. You care more about your own sexual urges than this poor girl's life.

Are you a scumbag? You are if you stay with her. I think you realize that if she died from this right now, you’d be partially responsible. Not only did you do nothing to help, you actually contributed to strength her condition by validating her disordered opinion of her body. If you leave her for her sake and go get professional help to figure out why you are attracted to emaciated women and you resolve that issue or you learn to live with it in a way that isn’t destructive to other people, then no you’re not. You need to get educated on eating disorders and you need to get a therapist or a psychologist. But right now, you really have no business dating anyone really. Especially not this girl.

I'm sorry, I forgot to state my purpose of talking about you talking about her BMI. You are probably unintentionally (or intentionally) triggering this girl all the time because you are so uneducated on this topic.

It's also interesting to me that you mentioned her BMI in such detail in the first place. If you just listed her symptoms like fainting or lack of a period or even just simply said she was having serious troubles with anorexia, we would get your point. The numbers just add shock value and why does that matter? Why does it matter how close she is to death? She's not a "better anorexic" or something messed up like that in some way for having such a low BMI. Even if she wasn't so severely underweight that doesn't change anything about this situation except for maybe the urgency of you leaving. You seem to be pretty obsessed with these numbers yourself. It's almost like you're either attempting to get a reaction out of people or you are putting a number value on people with eating disorders and that's really ****ed up dude.

Thanks for many great observations, growlithing.

When I lost my period before becoming sexually active due to being severely undernourished, I did not pay attention. I did not heed the warning signs.

But when I fainted in my mother's presence, she told me in very clear terms that I needed to eat normally.

It was a wake-up call for me (I guess, somewhat of an intended pun here, since you can say that one "wakes up" after a fainting spell). I started resumed eating normally.

The question to OP is - why did you not react to your gf's VERY FIRST fainting spell the way my mother reacted to mine? What prevented you from reacting in this way? It is the ONLY appropriate reaction.

Also, think about this (I am building upon growlithing's observations): is BMI visible?

NO.

Is BMI intuitive?

NO.

Did people who lived a couple of centuries ago know anything about the BMI?

NO.

So BMI is a fairly artificial metric.

Is a fainting spell visible?

YES

Is it intuitive to say that fainting is not healthy?

HELL YES

Did people who lived in earlier ages know about fainting?

They did.

So why are you focusing on an artificial metric such as BMI instead of reacting in the only appropriate way to the most obvious and intuitively relevant aspect of your girlfriend's unhealthy condition - her fainting?

You are a toxic person to her, and you need to get out of the relationship before this kills her. My girlfriend struggles with anorexia and has relapses. It isnt something to be taken lightly. This is abuse, and theres no way to sugar coat it. For her own health (and life), you need to cut ties with her completely. It might be good to get yourself into therapy too.

Btw, even if you do look at her BMI when you met her and look at it now.... what happened in that time period? Oh..right... you appeared in her life. That says a whole lot. You are making her sick with your sickness. She is literally dying. I cannot believe that you cannot see this. I don't believe it, you know this.

I hope you stay away from her or hopefully she has some family that can get you out of the picture before she ends up dead.

Another question... how exactly do you know her BMI in that amount of detail anyway? Did you like ask her how much she weighs when you got together and then periodically check up on it again? I could be wrong but I most women usually don't just volunteer that information. Some do, but I have an EDNOS and no one knows my BMI but me and my doctors. When I was 17, my mom said my weight in front of my brother. He said it later and I pushed him hard enough that he toppled over. I shouldn't have done that and I'm still embarrassed that I behaved like that, but that should give you an idea how sensitive people with these problems can be. I would never EVER just volunteer that information to anyone, even a boyfriend.

Also, if my boyfriend ever posted my BMI on a website even of he were anonymous, he wouldn't be my boyfriend much longer. It would make me feel self conscious and paranoid that someone would track down who I am. Even though that's just me being paranoid, I'd still be really weirded out that those numbers were so important to him that he first of all remembered them after so long and that they were important enough to him that he felt the need to talk about them to people online. Even if you were anonymous, I hope she consented to that information being shared.

The more I think about this, the worse this situation this seems. The fact that you posted this thread a week ago and haven't responded to anyone after posting it is making me feel like you posted this thread only for shock value because you knew it would offend people. You're proud of having a girlfriend that skinny and you're showing it off and you like seeing people react to it. Why else would you post something like this and then not respond to anyone after an entire week?

I hope that you aren't just sitting behind the computer, jerking it to the attention you're getting and are actually considering what we are saying. We are trying to do something to help your girlfriend, unlike the person who says he loves her.

A theory...maybe I'm wrong...you are not really a guy posting about his girlfriend? Maybe you are a female who wants to bounce ideas off of others because you fear you are with a guy who is bad for you?

Most guys I know don't even know their own bmi, never mind their girlfriends'. Something does seem off about this post.

If you really are a guy and this is legit, then know that your paraphilia could kill another human being. Get help please.

Great insight, Anika, Growlithing, Growlycat.

let us wait for OP to respond.

@hamster (I'd quote you but I'm lazy and I know you are following this) I don't think this op is coming back. The op would have responded since August 13th if this op had any intentions of facing the heat he/she created. Despite the op's absence, we can still make this educational.

If this is a girl talking about a guy worried that he is bad for you or if any girl who happens to read this thread who is worried that a guy is doing this to you, if there is a man in your life that makes you feel like you need to change your body in order to win his love or please him sexually, he is manipulative, controlling, and bad news. Whether he is telling you that you need to gain weight, lose weight, maintain your weight, just for him to love you, that is not okay. You have a right to decide for yourself what your body will look like and anyone who wants to change that is stepping out of their place.

If you are suffering from an eating disorder and your man or woman or anyone in your life for that matter is encouraging you to keep with that lifestyle, they do not care about you. That is like a drug addict who has a sober boyfriend supplying her crack. Someone who loves you will not support you destroying yourself. On the flip side, they also won't try to shame you for having this eating disorder. They will support you and love you throughout the whole process and do everything in their power to get you help, even if that includes breaking up with you until you agree to check yourself into a treatment program. Doing that may seem heartless, but that's true love. That is a person that loves you so much that he is willing to set his desires to be with you aside for the sake of your overall well being.

I also want to say that this applies to absolutely everyone regardless of their gender or sexual orientation. Maybe you're a man getting pressured by your girlfriend or boyfriend to get super buff or super skinny. All people deserve to be with people who view them as more than just the object of their sexual fantasies and all people deserve to feel like they have value beyond their sex appeal or a set of numbers.

My ED is on the other side of the scale from anorexia and bulimia so if anyone who has experienced those has better input, please add to what I said or correct it.