[LosingSanity]

I feel so lost these days. My husband is distant and treats me more like I am just here then a spouse/friend. I feel I just take care of kids, clean house and lay on my back for him. I tried talking to him last night and he exploded on me. Told me I was a moron that I always start my "bullsh*t". He screamed "I came home in a good mood then you start." I was desperately trying to have an adult conversation with him.
Small back story his family is severally dysfunctional. His father is dying, mother hates the father actually last week told terminal father that she can't wait till he is dead in front of my husband. My husband has never shown respect to his mother and they have no relationship. His stepsister and him do not get along at all either. SO he has only his father who is very sick. But his father is emotionally abusive to mother, sister, and currently father's own sister who drove a long way to help him with his house. And now will not be helping him finish due to his abuse.
I do not get along w/ anyone but his aunt and father. My husband has been calling me names and flips out. I walk on eggshells around him all the time. I am very vocal talkative outgoing person, but around him I have to squash it cause he gets irritated with me. I am not sure when I lost his respect or what I did. He went on meds after a grueling trip up north to visit my LOVING family who I miss a lot!
He got so bad he flipped out in the car drive back to where we live which is 20+hrs I had a UTI, a 7mos old and 2yr old to deal with while I drove. At a rest stop cause I couldn't drive anymore and he refused to do any of the driving he flipped out in front of kids which set me off told him to get the hell out of car. I try so hard to not let kids see him like that. He pretty much degraded me and called me names in front of our daughter. She was crying and going daddy stop mommy stop. I felt so ashamed.
We got home couple days later I called him told him that he needs therapy/doctor he flipped out on phone told me to set up appt and swore a ton at me tell me I shouldn't be crying on the phone that it is his parent dying I have no reason to cry.
He went to doctor got some medicine and yes we did marriage therapy he won't go back. I think he feels the therapist is gaining up on him. The meds helped for couple months he was completely other person the one I fell in love with and treated me nicely and with respect, I knew it wouldn't last. After his parents blew up at each other spitting at each other and telling each other to die and a big drama played out where they put my husband in middle. He hasn't been the same.
I love my children but like any woman home bound, housework, kids, no car you get a bit irritable when they don't nap and are fussy. Finally when he came home I was irritable. You see he goes to his folks house atleast 6 days a week everyday after work comes home around 7 sometimes spends maybe hour w/ kids. Then we get one weekend day but he is usually on computer most of it sometimes he helps but its rare. Mostly I get to do the grocery shopping with out kids. So I was glad to have him home but irritable. will that was a mistake as I said "keys Please" in a stern voice he lost it pointed his finger at me and said "don't you start your ***** tonight I am not dealing with it". I left. We didn't have the rest of the blowup till kids went to bed. When he blows up he usually acts like all is fine after. He has destroyed a ceiling fan while I was 4mos preg with our son by flinging the highchair into it. He punched holes in a door cause I wanted him to move his computer room to another room for our son who needed the room. Last night he slept on the couch.
I am not looking forward to him coming home at all. I don't want to talk to him. He told me I need to stfu and stay in the kitchen last night. Told me my job is to take care of kids and keep my mouth shut. Said he doesn't care if I am tired told me if I don't like my job to find another one. said he is sick of my complaining that he simply doesn't care at all!
There is always more to this but I feel I write for days. I am at a cross roads I don't want my daughter to think this is okay for a man to treat a woman or my son to be disrespectful of me or other women. I also had a father leave when I was 3yrs old so part of me is trying desperately to work things out so we don't have to divorce. My first husband was a physical abusing drunk. It was easy to leave and divorce him was just me. My current husband is also younger then me by 9yrs I don't know if that makes a difference. I just desperately need some help I a live in a town for 6yrs and have no friends or family. His family never helped us with kids/pregnancies, my first baby shower was put on by one of his co workers who felt bad. His mother never visits unless we feed her so about once a month if that. My family visits as much as they can afford to, like my mom she arrives next week and will help me. I have no help at all and don't beg of any maybe that is my fault. I am alone, scared and confused. Trying hard to not feel wrong all the time! Please help, my mom thinks a separation would help but he said the worst thing I could do was try to leave him. I still don't know if that is a threat or what.

[cdd805]

I am definitely no expert or able to say I have gone through something similar but know that you are not alone and there are people who are listening on this forum.

First let me address that it is never ok, never acceptable at any point in time for another person to be abusive whether physically, verbally, and/or emotionally. What your husband is doing is completely wrong and no matter how much fault you have done (which there seems to be none); he has no right to treat you that way.

I recently got out of an 8 year relationship with now ex-fiancée. She was abusive in the since that I always blamed myself for her having to yell at me and blame me for her anger and tantrums. As difficult as it was, I was diagnosed with codependency which supported why I stayed in the abusive relationship. I am in no way saying that you have the same issue but know help is out there and there are good people who will support you through your tough times.

This doesn’t seem like it just happened overnight or after you got married. I believe, and I could be wrong, that your husband has had his issues (maybe not as bad) when you were dating. You can’t force him to change especially if he doesn’t want to and blames it on everyone around him. But you can change for yourself.

Know that any child living in an abusive household will always recognize it at a very young age. They are not stupid or too young to understand. It will be healthier, in my opinion, to grow up in a loving home with a caring mother than with parents who fight all the time and there is only yelling and screaming. You say you don’t want your kids to think the actions of your husband to be acceptable, and then please don’t let your kids grow up 24/7 seeing that.

It is scary, and completely frightening at the thought of starting over. But your family and friends from before are not going away. You tell us they are loving, then embrace that love and let them know what is going on.

Don’t be confrontational with your husband, as that seems to only make matters worse. Take a moment, get the support you need, and plan out what needs to happen. Don’t think about 5, 10, 20 years from now. Think about what I can do now to make this happen and do it. I know you can, you sound like a wonderful mother and those two kids of yours deserve happiness as much as you do.

[LosingSanity]

Thank you for your reply.
No he wasn't always like this. He was actually more of a caring, but jealous man. Now he is no longer jealous but wants to invite someone else another man in our bed he gets a thrill out if he says. I am in no way allow this ever! Just weird he used to be possessive of me now he wants to share me out?! I don't get that at all.
He isn't angry all the time he actually seems to only lose it when his chaotic family is going insane. The more he stays away from them the more he is happy, loving and close to normal. He is amazing with his kids and spends time w/ them. But once his family gets crazy its like he keeps all that anger in by not saying anything to them and I get the negativity.
The time we spend while he lived w/ me for over a year away far away from his family who hardly called him. He was sweet, kinds, loving, he never raised his voice or got upset just laid back to me perfect. Once I moved to his family area after first year living there I got why he acted the way they did they are all nuts. They push us apart they push him bad they call me names and try to ruin holidays. I never have met such craziness in all my life.
He is trying therapy and medication to help his mentality and he wants to keep his family meaning me and kids with him. My mom is coming for a visit I feel she will help and talk w/ him. I feel better and thank you for all your suggestions means a lot to read it and that you took the time to write to me thank you kindly.