Help! My Insecurity is Hurting My Relationship!

Here goes: I'm currently engaged to a wonderful man, 10 years my senior, who is the love of my life. We've been together for 1 1/2 years and live together. I've never had the feelings or love for a man as I have for him and it scares me.

This man treats me amazing; says I'm the love of his life (he was married twice before), takes excellent care of me, gets up with me every morning (he's retired, I'm not); makes my lunch, tea, walks me to my car, is attentive to me both at home and in public, always tries to make me happy and puts my needs, wants & desires before his. Is kind, loving and gentle, too. We have a great time together. Tells me he loves me everyday...everything a woman wants. I treat him as well as he treats me. I'm so grateful and appreciative of him and tell him as much.

So what's the problem: ME!! I'm living of fear of losing him; that he'll leave me, or decide that I'm not good enough for him or too much trouble. I worry about it constantly which is depressing me. I try to hide this from him, but he senses and/or sees it. I'm a very attractive, in shape woman who has never lacked for a man's attention. I have many friends, socially adept, have a great but very very stressful job, etc. My biggest issue is our financial difference; he's retired and very well off. I earn a decent living, but lost everything in my last divorce due to my husband's gambling debts, so I'm starting over. I feel inadequate in what I don't/can't financially contribute. He claims he doesn't care about my money situation; he loves me for me, not my financial worth. He has put me on all of his accounts, left his retirement and everything to me in a Will. We are building a home using his money from the sale of his luxury home.

I thought I had great self-esteem, self-confidence, etc. etc, but maybe not? Argh!!

I don't know why I'm experiencing this fear, insecurity, clinginess or neediness that I've never experienced before in my prior relationships, but it's unpleasant is starting to affect our relationship. I try very hard to control my thoughts. It's like the very thing I fear is becoming a self-fulling prophecy.

I feel so pathetic as a 56 year old woman that I'm having difficulty controling my thoughts and emotions. I should be reveling and thriving in this relatioinship, not worrying about it. I've been married twice; one relationship ended due to husband's ongoing cheating; other ended due to physical/emotional abuse.

So what's wrong with me?! Any suggestions?

Please don't say you feel pathetic.. and age has nothing to do with it! We all have wobbles from time to time.

And yes, I think you've already hit the nail on the head, you may have some self-esteem issues. Sometimes it can rear it's head with some people, and I am guessing that you may feel vulnerable because you like this guy so much. I must say, it does sound like you've got a good one there, thinking of you all the time, and making a lovely future for yourselves.

Try working on your confidence. When he says he loves you and wants to be with you, believe him. Learn to trust in what you both have together. And this is something I tend to say in situations like this, which my CBT therapist told me a few years back - is that no amount of worrying will change a thing. If he wanted to leave you, he simply will. You worrying, apart from being a negative influence in your relationship, will do nothing to stop him if he really wanted to go. All it does really is make yourself dreadfully unhappy. Bad news is that it's hard to get out of that way of thinking, but the good news is that it is totally doable, especially with some therapy. I think CBT may just help you with this, it did wonders for me to change my thinking pattern.

Hugs, and welcome to PC by the way.,

Thank you, riotgrrrl for your helpful and thoughtful reply. I think your suggestion of counseling is a great idea and I will look into that right away. I never stopped to think about the situation from your point of view; i.e. that if wants to leave me, he simply will, regardless of how much I worry about it. I must learn to trust. I just read a short article which said "fill your mind with positive thoughts your life will start to change."

Thank you again!

Sounds like your vulnerabilities are surfacing. Have you ever addressed your past relationships, in therapy?

It could be something similar to there's something that is repetitive in the home life, and it's rearing it's ugly head in fear. Not repetitive in the sense, that there's trouble in the relationship, with how he treats you, quite the opposite.

Something from childhood or the previous relationships, could be similar. One thing, I know, for my own self, is this. I was neglected as a child, my dad would take off many nights, leaving me alone. His own gambling/dating endeavors. Then, in previous relationships, it was a repeated pattern of neglect, just not being taken out hardly at all, and just not doing things outside the home.

And when going through anything, new, or opening oneself up more, fear of how it felt back then, can rear it's head. Which could mean, there is some type of need that you need to tap into, that needs to be met, that through no fault of your new man, you haven't figured out, to express.

Fear of financial dependence, could be just a part of it, not all of it. And once, that *aha* moment, is met, voila...worries and fears can finally start to dissipate.

It's about much introspection, and trying to connect the dots. Something is happening, unresolved from your past, and to move forward, it needs discovery.

You'll be fine, hang in there. Happy you've found someone that treats you like you deserve

I've not addressed my past relationships in therapy, but I'm beginning to think I should for peace of mind and my own mental and emotional health which will have a positive effect on my relationship..a "win-win." I see where you're coming from and understand; all good points. Perhaps my lack of relationship with my father as a child is playing a role. He was present in a physical sense when I was growing up, but at work most of the time. When home, he was gruff and distant, i.e. not affectionate. I think he's only said "I love you" to me once that I can remember. I was always afraid of him and to talk, so I kept everything to myself and still tend to do. I'm working on being more open and trusting, especially with my new guy; it's very liberating and refreshing.

Thank you, Healing4Me.