Macabre situation?

Hi all,
I'm not quite sure where to start?

Im a gay male that has been dating a guy for the past 4 years.
He's loving caring funny and at the best of times a generally "good person".

However at times probably a little more than often lately he can be quite nasty withdrawn and extremely stand offish.
Of course over the duration of our time together he has opened up about his childhood which I believe has a profound affect on anybody's up bringing.

He also comes from a prior heterosexual relationship with 3 of his own children. He decided it was time to be honest with himself and tell his former wife the "truth" so in that he left. He maintains a relationship with his children but its not the healthiest kind as he is somewhat torn about loving being loved etc as you will see as this unfolds...
The relationship I've witnessed he has with his folks is somewhat disturbing to me especially since knowing what they have put him through and continue to do.

Ok here goes.....

When he was a young boy around the age 8 or so his (uncle) mothers brother had raped him and abused him sexually and butted out cigarettes on his body.
When he had finally approached his mother of his uncles doings she was blatantly in denial about this continually telling him "You're making it all up".

He would be forced at Christmas lunches to sit opposite his uncle whilst his uncle would fondle him from under the table. (the abuse continued for quite awhile with rewards of candy)

Finally his father believed him and they proceeded to take the uncle to court which was settled with a very small fee.

Next,
His mother had noticed that her son was quite at peace and happy to make friends with the local priest.
He had told me that he was in a full swing relationship with the priest for quite some years. The priest was in his mid to late 50's and he was 10 at the time.

He would stay at the priests house most weekends from friday till sunday afternoons where he would return home.
His mother had clearly put 2 and 2 together and knew of this relationship yet never tried to put a stop to it.
The reason he knew his mother knew about this was because she would literally send him over to the priests house and ask of her son to ask for money from the priest to assist in paying for their bills at home etc. (she would later tell me that he was in this situation when I confronted her about his moods etc)
So she clearly knew the whole time!

So she basically pimped her son out to a priest for money......

I personally find it very difficult to sit in the same room with this woman.
And also with his father. His father used to tie him up with the garden hose and literally hit him like he would hit a full grown man.
His mother had also taken a hot iron and scolded it over his hands when he was annoying her one afternoon. Another time she literally threw him into the corner of a bed which has affected his posture to this day as he landed bang smack on his lower back.

He also has 3 other siblings and another 3 that his parents gave up.

His parents doted on his other 2 siblings and still do to this day, yet for him he never ever gets a gift nor the appreciation for anything he does for them to this day. At one point in time his folks had moved him out of the house and into a bird avery... yes a bird avery whilst the other siblings slept comfortably in the house he was stuck outside in a cold tin shed with a bed in it.
His mother denied this when he asked her "mother why did you allow me to stay in a bird avery outside in the cold"?

She replied "You don't know what you're talking about your'e fkn nuts"!
His father than stepped in and said "No love, he did live in the avery"...
And she just then went "oh ok I don't remember"...

I have also heard his own mother with my own ears tell him how horrible the gift he recently bought for her from a trip back from over seas was.
She clearly said "Don't buy me any ugly gifts like that again"
I was horrified.... So you get the picture of what this woman is like.

The only reason I speak to these people myself is for his sake..
He knows I find it difficult to be n the same room as them but I just do it for him as he asked me to not let what he has told me affect mine and his parents relationship. However they have done and said some evil things to me which were very un called for. Yet he says to me "what they did to me has absolutely nothing to do with you!" He doesnt quite understand the love I have for him and how it does affect me.. But I totally respect what he is trying to say in this.

He has a huge tendency to tell lies. As I'm sure thats just become his natural mechanism to deal with life in general due to his up bringing.
He finds it extremely difficult to open up and express whats going on within himself. He distorts the facts and slants the truth almost all the time.
(Something his mother does to this day)
He has recognised that he does this and is willing to seek some help but believes that they cannot do anything due to the fact that as a child he had
seen multiple psychologists and "it just never worked"

His parents had also placed him into a boys home for what his mother said only 4 weeks.. But according to him it was 2 years. (thats when he started a relationship with the boy scout leader who was a young adult whilst he was still a child) So again an adult taking advantage of a child....

Theres a WHOLE lot more that has gone on n his life and unfortunately it has affected and still is our relationship. I believe until he does get some help and the required tools to deal with all this and to stop projecting his negativity onto me then only then will things get better for him and the both of us.

I try my hardest to support him and manage his mood swings which can get way out of control. But i have come to my final cross roads with him and he is staying elsewhere for the time being and I really need him to get some help and for myself to have the space I require to decide if I can take him back..

Why would I bother going through all this for this man you think?
Because deep down inside I know he is such an amazing loving soul that is yearning for someone to just love him.
And I do love him.

Thanks for reading.

macabre indeed.

I think the self-sacrifice you are making by trying to be civil with his folks is too much of a price to pay. Can he live with you without making you see his folks?

Yes he can.

Ab, I urge you to exercise caution in your relationship. I have a friend that told me stories of her abuse growing up. According to her, her father and brother molested her regularly. She told me how she ran away once and ended up living with some lady she met. Her father found her and took her home. She also told me that her father was a trucker and how he used to take her on the road with him and "rent" her to the other truckers. She had other horror stories along the same line.

When we were well into our friendship I found out all of her stories were lies and that she regularly lies about most things. She has a personality disorder and she makes things up for no good reason.

I'm not saying you should not stay with your friend. All I am saying is to be sure the tales he is telling are true. If he lies about one thing he probably lies about others.

Jadzea - it could have been Confabulation - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia rather than lying. Good warning though.

I think OP witnessed the bf's mom's reaction to receiving a gift she did not like, though. So he is not just going off tales - he had first-hand knowledge of what kind of people the bf's folks are.

Hey guys thanks for your reply.

Ive witnessed things at first hand.
Of course at some point I did think "is this all true"?
As it does seem to be way out of control to endure such things.

Over a year ago I visited his mom one on one to try and gauge what the hell is wrong with this guy?
She basically told me allot of things and made him out to be a VERY problematic person.

Im not denying that he is not problematic. He can be quite problematic to the point of causing me the highest levels of confusion and anger.
However he is also an extremely heart felt man.
Just lost at the best of times.

His mother is very manipulative and deceitful.
She swears just as much as a dirty prisoner.
Her character is always on guard ready to attack.

When ever we would visit her it would not be for longer than 10 minutes literally. She would always say to her son "Now listen, I don't mean to be the brunt of bad news, however etc etc and etc have said this about you".

Which would always be negative reinforcements that would generally involve his children or his ex partner.
She also would involve his older brother in her aim to hurt his feelings.
Never short of letting her son know that his older brother has also said horrible things about us both.

I've never met his older brother and never will.

She's also a charmer, turns on her lady like mannerism when other people are around but as soon as they leave she's back to her real self.

To be honest sometimes Im sitting here thinking, should I really bother?
Whats the point in trying to help someone with such huge deep issues?

I don't know maybe I'm a sucker for punishment?
Or just love helping people.

On a good note,
He's made the steps to seeing a psychologist this week.
So I give him credit for making that step.

Well, I'm glad he is willing to seek help. I hope it works out for him.

As for the whole situation... it is a tough one. I hope you don't mind me asking: are his brothers 'straight'? Is there a chance part of the reason his parents treat him like that is because he 'came out' (or maybe they sensed he was homosexual when he was still a kid)?

Don't get me wrong, it doesn't justify their actions at all... but I do know some people that are all very nice, until they find out whomever they are dealing with is gay. Not that they turn nasty, but most often they turn 'cold', not quite as friendly, and sometimes may even avoid them...

I don't ask, and I don't care. I have 'straight' and 'gay' friends. Some (not all, thank God) of my 'straight' friends tend to avoid some of my 'gay' friends - it is sad, I think it is not ok, but it is what it is.

Or it may not have anything to do with it.... but there must be some reason they treat your friend like that, but not his other brothers.

Also, does he have any contact with the other brothers - you mentioned his parents gave away...? Why did they do that, do you know?

I think there is a lot more to this all than you are let to know...

I think it is nice of you to be there for him, but you should do something to make sure you are safe in all this, for both of your sakes.