Just need help....

I know not many people will read this, but I will feel better getting it all out.

Ok, so as long as I can remember my mom hasn't liked me, and not until recently has she just come out and said it, but I've always known that I was the "black sheep" in the family. Since I was in 5th grade she has constantly criticized my weight and the way I dress, I like to dress up and fix myself up if I'm going out or just in the mood to "look pretty" but I'm pretty much a tshirt and jeans girl. I like to wear my hair in a ponytail and I don't feel like I need to put on 10 pounds of makeup, she says that I don't fix myself up. And all of that has to do with my weight issue. I admit that I could lose a few pounds, and I have my insecurities about my body, who doesn't, but I don't want to hear bout them from my mother. The first time I remember her telling me about my weight was when I was 10, I had outgrown the little girl pants and had to wear juniors size 8. When someone is constantly telling you everything wrong, it's hard to figure out what's right for you, so I comforted myself with food, so for my weight issue now I blame myself, I am a size 14, but I'm working on it.

I feel like no matter the decision, it's never good enough. I graduated college and got a b/a in communications and graphic design but I took " the easy classes" and that's how I graduated. I did The Disney college program , I was selected to go, but I was just "stalling growing up" I have a job as customer service at a company where they design coasters/mugs things like that, but this is a dead end for me, even though recently I was asked to design a line of wooden picture frames. And the BIGGEST mistake so far, I decided to date a Man of a different race.

A little background on him, we went to high school together, I liked him he liked me we were friends but never dated, we met again through a mutual friend when I returned from Disney and now have been together for 7 months, we have our ups and downs but that's a different thread. I started dating him in March, told my parents in April, and introduced them in June. He walked into my house and the first thing my mother said to him was "I never wanted my daughter to date a black boy". I almost fainted, needless to say he has not been back to my parents house. About the end of July she decided that I her 23 year old daughter was no longer going to date him, and took my car away from me and shut off my phone. I know I know I. 23 and my mother pays for everything, but that's the way I was raised, I'm not complaining about it, I have another phone and I'm saving for my own car, I have no problem working for what I want.

I just need help on what I should do, today my mother told me she wished I was never born, that I was an embarrassment, and to not tell anyone that she was my mother, she calls me names, all because she doesn't approve of my boyfriends race. I'm sure there are other factors, but we are both young, I cannot financially support myself , and I don't expect him to be able to completely support me right now either, we are boyfriend girlfriend not married living together with children, and I will not marry someone without stability, I am 23, yet she insist that in her words " I'm going to end up in a cracker box roach motel living off the government" with him. I just don't know what to do, I cannot take someone downing me all the time. How can I be Anything in life when All I hear is what I can't do, I am really feeling depressed, I feel like I have noone that understands me, I don't want to tell my boyfriend everything that she says because that just puts a strain on us. Please help, sorry for all the grimmer spelling mistakes ahh

((( Lonely_90 ))) Welcome to PC, it's a good group of people and I hope you enjoy your time here.

I have a big creative streak myself - kudos to you for finding some kind of creative work, even if it is entry level and feels stagnant - I am not working in any creative capacity right now, I have a "day job" which treats me very well but isn't particularly satisfying. I would encourage you to do the kind of design work in your spare time which you love to do most, and post it on some kind of arts website such as deviantArt. In any creative field you have to get exposure and contacts to develop your career.

As for the family and boyfriend situation, I don't have any concrete advice right now, but I really feel for you. It sounds to me like you have been experiencing the sort of invalidation and criticism from caregivers which would undermine anyone's self-confidence and self-worth. If there is any way you can locate a therapist or counselor - local mental health clinic, university psychology department volunteers, church affiliated counselors, or inexpensive online counselors - to talk through all these issues and get some concrete advice, I encourage you to do that. I suspect your mom is trying to protect you in her own way, although obviously it's NOT a remotely healthy approach she's using to do that!!!

Thanks I just needed to get it out, I know that if i write it down, not matter if anyone reads it, i have got it off my chest thanks for reading

I'm very sorry about your situation. I wish I had some brilliant words of wisdom but I don't. I can only offer support and assure you that you are not alone.