[rejoicejoe]

Hello everyone, this is my story. Its going to be one long post and i hope you dont mind. Me and my siblings were emotionally and physically abused by our mother.Verbal abuse occurred way more than physical. As kids we had no idea what was happening. But as i grew up, and expanded my knowledge on psychology i realized that my mother had a personality disorder. Which i dont want to get into in this thread because that's not what i want this thread to be about.

Yes, i grew up believing that i was a burden, useless, ugly and unworthy. All these ideas were planted in my head by my mother. I never felt loved by her. Because she didnt show any sign of loving me at all. All she showed towards me and my siblings were disgust and hatred. Despite all this, i fell in love with a girl. Which didnt work out. It only lasted for one and half years. She dumped me and immediately moved on to another guy like nothing happened. I went no contact on her right after the break up, but i went through absolute hell. After months of grieving, i finally came to a better place. A way better place because i used that rejection to improve myself and the girl is almost a distant memory now. And you know what i miss? Her mother.

I saw something in her the very first day i was introduced to her by my ex. She was absolutely gorgeous, kind and loving. I just could not stop smiling at her. We grew close to each other slowly because we had a lot in common. Unlike my own mother. And most importantly, she praised my skills, my personality and who i am as a person. Months passed by and she started making comments about how i was like her own son. I hope you could understand how happy i was to hear that from her. And she did back that up with her actions. Every time i was exposed to the rage of my real mother, i thought about her and comforted myself.

A great relationship, a beautiful girlfriend, and mother figure. I wanted to get closer and closer to her. I started dreaming about the days where i could finally abandon my abusive mother treat my in law to be as my own mother. But unfortunately it didnt happen. I got dumped. My entire world started collapsing. And i wanted to say my final goodbye to her. I stood in front of her and poured my heart out to her because i knew i would never get an opportunity to do so again. Although she had told me i was like her own son, i had never told her how i felt about her. I cried, i told her everything. She watched me with tears in her eyes and promised to keep in touch with me, which i politely refused, but she insisted. I hope you can imagine how awful it must have felt to lose your romantic love, and your mother figure at the same time.

So its been several months. I havent spoken a single word to my ex because i really dont have anything to say to her. And i dont love her anymore. Nor do i want her back. Her mother however contacted me several times. And thats what brought me here. I miss this woman. I absolutely miss her. And i miss her even more after she contacts me. But i know that our dynamics have changed. Im just not her daughter's boyfriend anymore. Someone else has taken that place. And it saddens me that i might not see her or spend time with her again. Because she's not a therapist, or a friend, she's my ex's mother, something i need to move on from and not make myself look like a loser to the people i was involved with.

I've got a lot more to say about this whole thing, but i'll leave you with this for now. I just wanted to vent and i want to know your opinion, maybe your comfort.

[rejoicejoe]

Anyone ?

[avlady]

You are definately grieving for this mother figure, but don't make it out to be anything more than that. I'm sure she feels like you are her son, and is treating you with love and affection because of that.

[gayleggg]

I am sorry you are having such a problem, but I think you have already answered your own question.

Because she's not a therapist, or a friend, she's my ex's mother, something i need to move on from

You need to move on, this relationship or I should say lack there of is causing you depression. And you can't continue to see this woman. I think you need to let go. I think in the long run you will feel better than having her in your life only in small bits. I had a simalar experience with an ex who we thought we could remain causal friends. We talked on the phone but it seem to hurt worse after talking to him than not to talk to him at all. We finally had to cut all contact. It broke my heart because he had been my best friend and I missed him, but it was for the best. I still think of him and miss him, but at least it doesn't leave me in days of depression.

Good luck to you. Keep posting when you need to for support.
Gayle

[rejoicejoe]

Originally Posted by avlady

You are definately grieving for this mother figure, but don't make it out to be anything more than that. I'm sure she feels like you are her son, and is treating you with love and affection because of that.

Thanks. But i have my doubts, and that's why it makes me sad. The fact that someone else has taken my place makes me wonder, does she feel the same way about me anymore? Or has she given that love to her new son in law. Maybe what she feels is pity, not love. The fact that my ex replaced me doesnt hurt me any more, but surprisingly my mother figure replacing me kind of makes me insecure.

[rejoicejoe]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

I am sorry you are having such a problem, but I think you have already answered your own question.


You need to move on, this relationship or I should say lack there of is causing you depression. And you can't continue to see this woman. I think you need to let go. I think in the long run you will feel better than having her in your life only in small bits. I had a simalar experience with an ex who we thought we could remain causal friends. We talked on the phone but it seem to hurt worse after talking to him than not to talk to him at all. We finally had to cut all contact. It broke my heart because he had been my best friend and I missed him, but it was for the best. I still think of him and miss him, but at least it doesn't leave me in days of depression.

Good luck to you. Keep posting when you need to for support.
Gayle

Thanks. It doesnt depress me at all. What bothers me is constantly craving that connection. Its not depressing. But it feels like wanting to have your favourite food and not being able to get it.

[rejoicejoe]

Another thing i should mention is that sometimes when she speaks to me she sounds formal. Other times she sounds friendly and personal. This inconsistency confuses me too. Strangely enough, i absolutely loved our last encounter. Because i got to get closer to her emotionally. And i want to have a similar conversation again. Not just catching up chats. Does that make sense?

[rejoicejoe]

Even thinking about letting her go brings tears to my eyes :'(

[Perna]

It is hard for anyone losing a mothering figure or mentor. I had several in my teen years and can still remember the personal growth they helped me with. Remember how helpful she was to you and look forward to a next relationship that could help you grow further.

[rejoicejoe]

Originally Posted by Perna

It is hard for anyone losing a mothering figure or mentor. I had several in my teen years and can still remember the personal growth they helped me with. Remember how helpful she was to you and look forward to a next relationship that could help you grow further.

What do you think is a proper way to say bye?

[rejoicejoe]

I really want to see her for one last time but i think that will be a crossing a boundary for her. Should i let her know im cutting contact. Or just disappear? If i do let her know, should it be emotional, or should i just pretend to be strong?

[rejoicejoe]

Need more opinions.

[SilverNeurotic]

You need closure, and that's a good thing but only if doing so will not do more harm than good.

[rejoicejoe]

Thanks Silver. So i started entertaining the thought of saying bye to her. I took all her pictures and put them away. And you know what happened, i got depressed. I've been depressed the whole day. Does anyone have advice on how to deal with losing a mother figure? I dont know what will happen to me when i really say bye to her. When i really say those final words and get myself to hang up on her.

[rejoicejoe]

Im feeling lifeless right now. No energy to do anything.

[rejoicejoe]

Im all sweaty and shaking right now.

[avlady]

Just come out and say it, let her know both of you can't go on like this, i'm sure she'll understand as she is your mother figure and as a mother figure she may understand through experience.i wish you luck.

[rejoicejoe]

Originally Posted by avlady

Just come out and say it, let her know both of you can't go on like this, i'm sure she'll understand as she is your mother figure and as a mother figure she may understand through experience.i wish you luck.

I love her a lot you know. I will probably go into deep depression after saying bye to her.

[JadeAmethyst]

I hope you'll find some comfort and peace in this process. In my experience the only way out of pain and loss is leaning into it.

I wish you well and rest.

sincerely
Jade