[Alishia88]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 9 year (!) and we´re only 24.
So we got together very very young.
Looking back at my diaries and reviewing the past with my therapist made me realize how dependent I became on my boyfriend.
With him, I am like a complete different person.

Before we got together at 16, I wasn´t exactly outgoing but I did go out a lot, met people and did my own things, I was very much into "life" having all kinds of projects, friends etc.

When we got together my boyfriend wanted to spend most of his time with me he even got me to and picked me up from all my appointments, when I had dance class or something like that. He did it because he wanted to because we wanted spend as much time with me as possible.
I didn´t object because I enjoyed it, too. He even made friends with my girlfriends and joined in on our meetings. When he didn´t, he picked me up afterwards.
We were together really most of the time.
I think that made me a little less close with my girlfriends and maybe I didn´t make much effort to get to know new people and friends in school, because I was always with him.

When he went away to England for 6 months, in the first year of our relationship. I noticed how my personality changed, or at least how i FELT in the world.
I became more independent, like my old me, I think, I did more stuff with my best girlfriend, had all kinds of things going on, engaged in different activities and friends etc.
I felt maybe more self-confident, on my own, more "ME".

I missed him too, though. We had a long distance relationship and still talked on the phone.

When he got back, it was like before he left. I was together with him even more for all the time we hadn´t been together.

I still did my own things, but it was always more a "we" feeling than an I.

Also, I think I really became dependent on him because I didn´t like being alone, sleeping alone, going home at night alone anymore.
I really felt like I NEEDED him. He made me feel safe and without him I felt very unsafe all of a sudden.

Sporadically, over the years, we were apart for some time, and again, my independent me surfaced and I remembered how good that felt.
We made plans to spend less time together several times, but somehow it never worked out for long because we rather spend time together, if we could, I think.

I developed an anxiety disorder in times of family crises and then, when he left for some time, I REALLY couldn´t handle it at all.
I couldn´t sleep for days, it was horrible.

I´m just wondering if our relationship contributed to my anxiety disorder or is it that I had roots of anxiety and anxiety inside me even before we went out that made me need him so close in the first place....

So my question is, is this because of something inside of me, or did it simply come from spending too much time with him and forgetting how it´s like to be alone and independent?
.....

[Perna]

I don't think one forgets how to be alone and independent but gets into certain habits. I lived alone for 13 years before I met my husband and we moved in together and married and then, when he'd be away on business, I'd be afraid to go to sleep, etc. I think the anxiety is in there in the first place, from our childhood and we get into the habit of something that lessens it and that is not an addiction or anything but certainly does not help us grow stronger working on our anxiety?

We learn certain things when we are on our own and grow up, etc. and if that is interfered with or supplanted with something else (like a boyfriend/husband :-) then something else is going to be there? I've been married 24 years and lived with my husband 4+ before that but I'm worried about if/when my husband dies, how I'll care for myself, etc. The anxiety doesn't go away, even though it seems to? We just keep working on dealing with ourselves and it or we don't because we don't "need" to at the moment (how I think of it).

Now I think about it; you didn't ever set up an apartment/life by yourself as an adult yet and I did that but now, my husband has set up our money/life style and I am mostly afraid I won't understand it if something happens to him. If I were you I'd get a job and my own money, take some responsibility for finances, etc.

[Odee]

You mentioned that the anxiety disorder developed during a family crisis. I believe the answer to the origin of your anxiety is right there -- and seeking companionship during a frightening crisis is not dependent behavior, just human.

It sounds to me that you actually excel at being independent when the BF is not around. The problem is not that you are dependent but want to act less like you are.