I'm not quite sure how to write about this.

I feel, most of the time, as though I am alone.
I don't mean alone in the way that you sit in a room alone, or walk down the street late at night from the bus alone.

I mean...
I have friends, not many, but I don't want or need many. I am fairly selective with my friends for the most part. I am pretty sure I can count who I would consider my close friends on both hands- and everyone else doesn't really make it on the "friend" list at all, actually. Anyone else I am merely "friendly" with.

Pretty much you are in or out.

I don't see most of them very often, and I'm good with that too. When i see them I really value the time we spend together. I feel loved and I love them.

but...
the alone I speak of.
It's there. Pretty much always.
It doesn't go away. It's like theres a space between me and everyone else. There are so many things I can't take out and share, but I really want to. I feel like a long time ago part of me really just was locked up and I find myself hunting around on my hands and knees looking for the damned key now and then.

I feel often like no one really knows me?
Which is silly, right? I have friends, very dear friends, who I am very close with that I have known since grade school.

But for me, I feel this... sometimes palpable distance. Isolation.

Every once in a great while [like maybe every five years or so if i am exceedingly lucky] I might stumble upon someone who seems to be able to reach at least half that distance though.

Which is nice... I think.
But it's very very jarring and I sometimes end up disoriented and really just not knowing what to do.

I feel intruded upon in a way, but i want that, too?
So often I just have time when i stop to think, and I end up thinking about how I feel just outcasted from humanity...
And I know that's such an extreme, dramatic, histrionic way to picture oneself.

but then... what does one do when it actually feels like that?

At this point I've kind of convinced myself that relationships are probably not my thing because it's pretty unlikely I'll be able to get that solid connection.

And, honestly?
I've gotten used to people thinking I'm all "unicorns and footie pajamas" [I'm not even sure how to describe how I'm actually perceived but that is fairly close}, and then it's "oh no she's a human being!" and they just cut out as soon as it's apparent their assumptions were way off the mark.

So i find myself lately withdrawing even more.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say or ask.

I am worried this writing makes it seem as though I'm presenting myself as some particularly unique and magicaly being in the universe. I don't really think that. I just find it hard to relate to any one in a way that i feel connected so I feel like they know who I am.

I feel guarded, pretty much 24/7.

When I actually, on the rare occasion, feel as though I don't have to be as guarded, I find I have no idea what to do with myself and get really confused and disoriented.

blah blah blah.

I don't know.
Thanks to anyone who can make sense of any of this ridiculousness.

[manwithnofriends]

Hi! Maybe it's something you can bring up with your friends? I know I can't

[Sojourn]

Hi Josie. I know it probably wasn't easy to share these personal musings so I thank you for doing so. I appreciate the way you write, it is very natural.

I think I have an idea of what you are trying to describe. Loneliness in any form is hard to bear. The sense I get from your self-reflections is that you are conflicted. I believe that conflict stems from trying to understand yourself. You say you feel "guarded" all the time. What do you think you are guarding yourself from? Often, we guard ourselves because we don't want to be hurt. The feeling of being vulnerable can be an uneasy one. Since you're not sure about your own feelings, you might have a tendency to want to isolate yourself so your self-doubts are never exposed to others. I think you need to take some time and explore who you are and who you want to be. Building more self-confidence and reaching out for your own happiness can push away the loneliness. I think your post here is a very good start down that path. Try to realize your true self-worth. Your words are not "ridiculousness", not at all. You are valuable whether you can see that right now or not.

If you are not already consulting with a therapist, I recommend that you find one that is right for you to help you explore some of these issues. You may need a boost in your self-confidence and some of this sounds like depression to me. Keep in mind that "connections" with other people require effort and that can be exhausting sometimes. However, it is important to have people in our lives because it is in our nature to connect with others. We all need a support system after all. Learning to trust others, to let our guard down, is difficult but it is worth it to let others in. Just work on it at a pace that is comfortable for you.

Um, no. I mean on the guarded thing- I do actually know where a good bit of that comes from. At least where a good bit of it likely comes from.

I suppose I may have given the impression I have absolutely no idea, which isn't the case.
I mean, I've experienced the average, every day "betrayals" and hurts that everyone experiences through life- no biggie.

But also I've had some other stuff happen- maybe by themselves it might not have made an impact. Undetermined.

One incident involved a doctor blatantly ignoring some important symptoms to the point where it likely caused some harm because I didn't get treatment for a long time, and on top of that he wrote some blatant false statements in my medical record- not just misjudgements or inaccurate observations... lies. You all reading this can make your own determination on whether or not that is crazy talk, obviously. I will say it is a fact and something I experienced and may yet have some negative repurcussions, but of course you all are strangers and are free to make up your own minds about whatever it is I say.

Another is that, while working in a fairly public position doing internet crap, some people decided they didn't like me and very very publicly and very very brutally decided to basically drag my name and character through the proverbial mud.
And the swamp.
And like...tar and feather it, set it on fire, put it in a blender, turn it into sludge and feed it to the hogs. [I don't know, add some other nonsense as well]

I was accused of various things, repeatedly and very publicly, but I will just say that intent to harm physically harm someone was one of them, and the other party posted as much personal information they had on me any where they could.
No big deal you say?
Well, at the time i was kinda trying to keep personal info off teh intarnets because I had a very serious case of "stalkeritis", and said stalker lived about 20 miles from me, and at the time was still writing about me publicly. Just didn't know where I lived.
This party who shared my information was well aware of that.

So reasons for being guarded?
Do I have them?
YOU BETCHA

Can I discuss with my really good friends of many years that I feel terribly isolated even when with them?

...no. No I don't believe I can.

[Sojourn]

Thank you for the clarification. Yes, this does change my opinion significantly.

What you have described are serious breaches of trust. You have been betrayed and betrayal is an extremely painful experience. I am sorry to hear that you have suffered through so much. These are traumatic episodes and the best way to work through a trauma is with the help of a professional.

It is completely understandable to me that you have not felt comfortable to discuss these matters with your friends. Friends are supportive but we can be hesitant to "burden" them with such deeply personal concerns. It is natural to fear that they may shy away once they understand the deeper issues that plague us. You are experiencing trust issues with people so it makes sense that you have barriers around yourself to protect yourself from being so vulnerable again. Just remember that your friends are there to support you in the ways you need. For now, you just need to know they are there for you and to spend time with them here and there. That's fine. A therapist can help you with the more private issues and they are best equipped to do that.

You have been hurt and even in fear and that is a terrible thing. I am sorry for your pain. Please take advantage of whatever help you are comfortable with including this forum. Every little bit will help you to eventually overcome your feeling of isolation.

I don't particularly see these things as traumatic. I'm not entirely sure that this sort of isolation I describe is actual inability to function... it does not actually prevent me from having good friendships. I think it may hamper the development of a close bond and equal trust with a partner, but I am honestly not completely sure.

As far as why I don't feel I should or can discuss this with my friends, it isn't really my benefit I'm concerned about exactly.

I think, if a friend of several years came to me and said that they felt isolated even when we were together, I would likely feel a bit hurt. Not personally. But more... hurt that my friend hurt and at that point it was obvious I wasn't enough to help that.

I obviously can't know what their reaction would be, but my friends are pretty awesome which is why they are my friends. I can only estimate what their reaction might be, but I think my guess is close.

I don't wanna do that.