[Dylanzmama]

My parents did this and it didn't look too appealing while growing up and watching them. My 9 year marriage is over as far as I'm concerned, yet I'm still here. We have one child, a son with autism...I think a divorce would really mess him up.
I guess it's a simple question of whether or not I should put my son's welfare over my potential happiness?

[Confusedinomicon]

I think a stable environment is better. If you can divorce and still provide a stable environment that would be best. You can work with your husband to create consistent routines between both households I think you will be fine. (Depending on custody)

I have to say if your heart is not there, don't stay with him for your child. My last ex boyfriend had twins and he and his wife split when they were 3...he and I went out when they 9-10 years old and they were AWESOME, happy children...both he and his ex had been and still were very careful to provide a stable, happy environment and were even able to be "friend-like" with one another post divorce and as the years had gone on. So I think communication with your ex (should you choose that path) re:care for your son is very important.
Also, my then boyfriend's ex-wife remarried and he and their stepdad would go to football games sometimes, etc. The situation turned out very well because everyone took care of their own needs, but also put the kids first as they had been growing up. I think you can do the same thing, even with an autistic child...he just might need more love and attention, but I bet as a happier person and by being true to yourself, you can do this.

[Maranara]

It depends. If you are going to constantly argue around him and there's going to be constant tension, it's best that you separate. While growing up, my mom constantly said to others "When Mara grows up I can finally leave and be happy." I always felt guilty about their staying together and it was very hard to live with. If, on the other hand, you can live in amiable conditions then it would be better for him to stay with both parrents. Depends on your situation. Just think of your son first.

Originally Posted by Dylanzmama

My parents did this and it didn't look too appealing while growing up and watching them. My 9 year marriage is over as far as I'm concerned, yet I'm still here. We have one child, a son with autism...I think a divorce would really mess him up.
I guess it's a simple question of whether or not I should put my son's welfare over my potential happiness?

The better question is, would you be putting your son's welfare at risk by staying together for his sake? I mean with the marriage "being over", it clearly says there is no love between you anymore or at least there's too much dischord. If that's the case, you have to ask yourself which is going to be worse, seeing his mom and dad staying together but hating each other or going their separate ways? It's not a decision to be taken lightly by any means, but it is a good question to ask. Would you take better care of your son if you were apart because you'd both be happier? I don't know but please consider this.

I have been apart from my wife for 14+ months and we are divorcing. I have two boys. They are with me and the older one, 13, is an aspie (hfa) I know that all they saw was fighting and two people that were not really together for many years, and I know that now they are happier than they were before. This is just my experience but i hope it helps!

[Dylanzmama]

Thanks for the feedback! It's a weird situation, we don't really fight, and I feel like I need to stay awhile to help him out of his current depression(we're both bipolar-it didn't start that way but I was dx'ed 3years ago). He needs to get better for our son's sake.
He's really the closest thing that I have to a friend around here anymore, I'm so isolated. And I can't go back to work for a couple of years because I have to be available for our son to attend therapy. But I respect him less and less everyday, really feel like he's my second child. Did I mention that we haven't been intimate but once in 4 1/2 years?

[otaku1992]

Growing up in a household where all my parents did all day was scream at each other, I suggest you don't stay together just for your son. If you can't provide stability for him when you & your husband are apart, why don't you get a duplex, or 2 apartments in the same building, or 2 townhouses next to each other? That way, you're not technically living together, but you're still close enough that it should be alright for your son.

[cemeterygirl]

My ex-husband and I split when my son was 3. I didn't want to stay in a miserable relationship. My son is now a happy, well-adjusted 10-year-old. While I think it's important to keep family together, children can definitely sense tension in an unhappy marriage. If you two can work together to provide two stable homes and BOTH be there for your son, working together to raise him though apart (and not pit one against the other), things should be fine. Good luck!

[pbutton]

I grew up in a household with parents who did not want to be together. They didn't really yell or fight, it was just uncomfortable and depressing. It certainly didn't help me to be in that environment, or I probably wouldn't be posting here.

[Dylanzmama]

That's what I'm thinking...my mom was an obese sad alcoholic that died at 59. Was a victim, never dealt with things. When she died I was genuinely surprised at how devastated my dad was...I didn't even know he liked her. I'm not going to hold my son responsible for my happiness like my mom did with me.
Thanks for your help!

[healingme4me]

I personally cringe at the thought of staying together for the kids. Just cringe.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Dylanzmama

But I respect him less and less everyday, really feel like he's my second child. Did I mention that we haven't been intimate but once in 4 1/2 years?

Closest thing to a friend? Even some people have friends, that come with benefits.

Intimacy is an integral part of marriage. Staying, in an intimate free marriage, is like asking for trouble. Then what?