am I changing who she is?

I'm not talking about a girlfriend or anything, I'm talking about my coach. She taught at my school for a couple years and left at the beginning of september last year to take on a different teaching job.
while she taught at my school I became really close to her, seeing as I've never had a figure in my life who would give me advice and that I could trust with basically everything. I'm in grade 12 now, and back in grade 10 when I was having a rough time (my friend was threatening to commit suicide, my SI got out of hand, my dad was forcing me to go on diet pills and a lot more) she knew that something was wrong. after school she pulled me aside, sat me down and said that we needed to talk because she knew that something was wrong. I told her everything except the SI at the time, and she made me feel better... this was the first time anybody has ever gone out of their way to make sure that I was okay.
and then she moved. I kept on declining since that rough time and started feeling the way I do now, like nothing is real and horrible dreams, not sleeping at all and losing my grip on everything including reality. my self harm became a lot worse, resulting in scars all the way down my thighs. this wasn't because of her, but I knew that I needed somebody to talk to..
then I started dreaming of her
not in a weird way but literally what I needed in reality. I'd see her in my dreams and before I had the chance to talk to her I'd wake up crying.
Unfortunately... somebody at my school committed suicide and that brought her back to my school for a day. What had me so shaken was that I had been contemplating suicide so much that past week and then I saw the toll everybody around me it took.. needless to say when she came back I had a long talk with her. I told her everything this time, from my SI to the way I've been feeling with my mind. She made me feel better again, she was trying to help me find help but I refused because I'm too afraid, with my current family situation.. and then she disappeared.
she made me feel safe and then she was gone. she never checked in with me to see if I got help, never talked to me, nothing. I understand that she has her own life and that its selfish of me to think that she should concern herself with my stupid problems... but she made me feel like I could get better. she gave me hope, made me think that somebody cared.. it devastated me.
I started hating her. hating her for making me feel so pathetic, and I hated myself because I still wanted to talk to her.. soon enough I just let it go but as I kept getting worse and worse the dreams started happening again, she's in them often..
The thing that bothers me is that she's not my therapist. she was my rugby coach, I guess you could say my friend. but I'm remembering her for helping me get through some things and not for who she actually is
My problem is that I start to depend on people too fast, it isn't often that somebody shows they care (online is different, I love and appreciate everybody that has tried to help me, but reality isn't the same) and I take it one step too far..
This isn't taking over my life like it did last year, but its still affecting me a lot and I don't know what to do about it, especially with my mind in a fuzz. do you think that I'm not remembering her for who she is?

I think you are having a normal reaction. I don't think you are making your coach out to be anything different than what she is, I'm just sorry that she disappeared like she did. I am sure though that she would not be against you seeking her out as she did seem genuinely invested in helping you.

thank you so much.. I feel like I've been going crazy with the dreams and all it just affected me so badly. as of right now I lack the courage to ask for her help, but I always keep her in mind if I'm in real need.. thank you

I do think you need to see a professional. Maybe you could talk to a school counselor. Good luck.

I think you should seek maybe a therapist, some one that you can make a connection with and talk to on a regular basis about what is bothering you, with out the worry of being left out in the cold. School counselor may be a second viable option, but it seems like you need some one that will give you the attention you need without the distraction of a busy school. I understand about family situations, but when you are contemplating taking your own life, you really should get help for yourself. Your family will understand, I am sure they would rather have you around!