[Depressed&Confused]

I'm hitting a wall and don't know where to go or what to do anymore. I have been with my fiancee for almost 8 years. We just got engaged this year and we've been living together for 2 years. For some time now, I've been feeling like an exhausted housewife, I'm not sure how else to put it. I was finishing school, working two jobs and making sure all the bills get paid (all of which are in my name). I had a really bad day about a week ago and just snapped. When I told my fiancee I had a bad day, he said he was sorry and started telling me about his day. Being that I was already in a bad mood, I got really upset that he started talking about himself. This led me to finally tell him everything that has been bothering me -- how tired I feel, how I feel like I have no help around the house, and that he seems aloof or like he's not here even when he is physically home.

This triggered an argument that's been going on for several days now. I've admitted to him that I understand I've been focusing a lot on school and not on him which has made him feel unimportant. But that doesn't take away from how I feel. He has been telling me I need therapy. At one point he said he would go to couples therapy (based on previous arguments during which he's been disrespectful and called me names) but when I asked him to call his insurance (which I don't have) to ask about it, he got upset again and pretty much convinced me that I'm the one that needs help because I am depressed. I admit I have been depressed. I have issues from my childhood that still need to be addressed. But I feel like I've been convinced that all of our problems are the result of issues that I and I alone have. He tells me over and over that I don't appreciate him, and that all I do is focus on the negative and ignore the positive. I keep apologizing to him now, and he keeps reiterating to me that I make him feel terrible all the time.

I'm at a point where I don't know what's true and what isn't. I always considered myself a good partner -- I take care of our home, I make dinner for him, I literally do whatever he asks me to. And still somehow, he makes me feel as if I'm not there for him while simultaneously telling me he loves me unconditionally. I'm looking for a therapist of my own, but I don't know what to do about our relationship. I can't make him go to therapy. I also can't make myself marry someone who thinks we have problems solely because I have problems.

Thoughts?

[Travelinglady]

Welcome to Psych Central! I'm not so sure about the relationship either. In the meantime, I think it is a good idea for you to go into therapy. Now I am not just saying that because I think you are the one who is messed up. I personally think you have some reason to complain. But in therapy, you can talk about the relationship, too--and get some insights.

To answer your question, no, I don't think it's always you.....

[kaliope]

Hi Depressed and Confused
Welcome to Psych Central. I hear you saying that you believe this is a relationship issue that your boyfriend is laying solely on your shoulders and this makes you question the future of your relationship. I can see why you are depressed. Couples therapy is the best route to take as the relationship takes two. Individual counseling will help you see that it is not all about you, it will give you better communication skills and coping techniques and teach you how to stand up for yourself in the relationship. but you cannot work on the relationship if the two of you aren't there together. you can only better yourself and chances are, you might not like what you see in the relationship when you know what healthy is. and if he isn't willing to grow and change, then what will you do? take care of yourself. you have been working hard. you deserve happy.

[Depressed&Confused]

Thank you so much, your feedback means a lot

I'm currently working to get an appointment with a therapist that works on a sliding fee scale. Fingers crossed!