[ThirtyThree82]

Hi, I'm returning to this site so I'm not really new. I think I am at the end of a very unhealthy relationship, and just seeking some support. The only other person I have to talk to is my mom, and she ends up being drunk and telling me the same stories over and over of her relationships. I end up feeling so pathetic that my only support is drunk.
He is now trying to make me feel guilty for finally trying to think of myself for a change. He thinks I am selfish anyway which blows my mind because he seems to be incredibly selfish. 3 years ago, I let him move in with me in my studio. He is addicted to his video game, smokes, has punched my fridge and left dents, and has been all around disrespectful and rude to me and my tiny home. He moved all his stuff in here, and to make room, I had to move most of my stuff out. I don't have a lot of stuff anyway, but it still really bothered me. I am one of those people who is sensitive to their environment. He's caused such a hostile "home" with that stupid evil video game. And when I ask him to be quiet, he gets angry, and an argument breaks out. He has broken tiles, a window, and has spilled stuff on my rug. Those were accidents, but it's still part of his carelessness, and he thought it to be no big deal. I didn't make a big deal about the accidental things either, but now I see how he thinks he is entitled to my stuff, and my life or something.
He has 4 children, one of which is not his, but he just acts as father figure to anyway because the ex was so manipulative and expected him to be a father to her affair love child. It's supposed to be this big secret that they think the kid will never find out about. They are still not divorced after being separated for nearly 4 years because he is scared to get a court order for child support because he knows the court will take more of his paycheck than he's been paying to her since they split. She has since had a 3rd child with a completely new man. I mention this because it is something that I cannot get over, especially because it doesn't even seem to phase him and motivate him to get the damn divorce already. He has 2 older kids from a first relationship whom he wasn't married to the woman. The current wife whom he cheated on the first mother with split up that relationship and damaged his relationship with his first 2 kids which he is only now seeing the damage it's caused because they are getting older and are learning what happened between their parents. They are learning that their father's new wife was the cause of their own parents split, and I know that it has to have an effect on them, but he just wants to blame their mom and say she talks bad about him. He was at fault too, but she was truly a manipulative seductress.Well, needless to say, I never became involved with his kids directly. I just didn't think I could handle being on the inside of that mess. I can't even handle the man. Also when we started our relationship, he was still in love with the wife that screwed up his life. That has caused me a lot of pain, and I have never been able to get over it, especially because he still does not love me. He doesn't show it, and hasn't said so. All he says that I've desperately clung to is that he cares for me.
Anyway, I quit my job a year ago in an attempt to escape this situation. Somehow I was still here in this room 1 year later. I survived on savings, and then he had to pay rent for the last 5 months so HE could have a place to live. He seems to think he was helping me though, and because he was paying rent, it became more and more HIS place. I told him so many times he should just move to be with his kids more often, but he seems to have been holding out for me to get a job to help him pay half the rent. I tried and failed numerous times to get and keep a job, but think I've subconsciously sabotaged myself because I know deep down I cannot go on like this. I've wanted to escape back to my mom's home, but on the other hand, I can't deal with an alcoholic either. Well, I got my job back at another location though because he still works at my old location. Somehow, I got full time, so I would be able to afford the bigger place I just signed a new lease with. I thought if we lived in a slightly larger home, things might get better, but I can see this is unrealistic and I'm living in fantasy land. He nearly compromised my job because of his extreme disruptiveness and total disregard for my simple needs......you know, like sleep. So, I told him he needs to find his own place. Well, now he is having a tough time finding somewhere he can afford due to all the child support he pays. He just told me that if I "kick him out," to not expect him to talk to me anymore. He says I have not done anything for him. I have, but when I saw that I was being taken advantage of, I gradually stopped giving. He didn't have to pay rent for the first year. Now he says that he paid the bills that year.........the bills were like $50/month. Wow! thanks. Since he thinks I never have done enough for him, I don't want to do anymore. I have nothing left anyway. I barely had any resources, financially, mentally, and emotionally when he moved here. He used me all up. I have the opportunity to replenish, and he wants that too. Even after all this, I still want to help him though. Do I just let him struggle? He's 37 years old, and has treated me like crap. He makes me feel like I'm a lesser woman because I can no longer put up with him. I have my flaws, and am certainly not claiming to be perfect, but I do know that it takes both people to make a relationship work. He seems to think that someone will come along and carry him and all his baggage, and nothing should be expected of him because he has so much burden. I'm really sad and feel like I'll need enormous courage to just walk away. There were some good times, he's also the only friend I had, which is also very pathetic.

[Travelinglady]

I agreee that this relationship is not a good one. He is taking advantage of you. And not divorced after all this time? Not good at all.

If you are looking for someone to say "Get out of this relationship," then I will definitely support you on that!

[healingme4me]

Being called selfish, by a selfish person! *check*
Little 'accidents' that ruin stuff! *check*
Told that if you do this, you'll NEVER hear from him again! *check*
Not wanting to run back to mom's! *check*

OK, I cannot *check* on the unfiled divorce, due to fear of changes in child support, when what he pays, is clearly all he can afford. (which btw, there are guidelines, they can only take a certain percentage...)

Feeling like he's your only 'friend'*check*
What happened to the friends you had before him? Or are you unable to foster new friendships, because of absorption in this relationship?

Guilt trips *check*
Hearing over and over about how bad the partner was *check*
Lack of respect for your need to sleep *check*
Feeling that a bigger home/different home would clear up the relationship woes *check*

Needing validation to realize it's either not all in your head or that you are not going crazy or that it's not the greatest of relationships to be in *check*

I guess that the question, to me, seems to be, how to get out, and not need at least the friendship aspect? Coming here, is a good start, a place to vent, ask for opinions, advice.