[Secretum]

For about a year now, I have been falling in love with a girl I met at college. I've posted about her on here a few times in the past, because she is completely baffling to me.

On September 18th of 2012, I asked her out for the first time. She initially said yes, but a few hours later changed her mind, saying that she "didn't want to lead me on."

I accepted that she only wanted friendship, and we continued to strengthen our bond as friends. I should add that fall semester we were extremely close, talking in person for at least an hour every day. If we had time (which we rarely did) we could talk for 4 hours straight without running out of things to talk about. Our values are similar, our talents and weaknesses complement each other, we are very compatible.

On November 18th, I asked her out again, because I thought that maybe she had changed her mind. Once again, I was turned down. Again, things were awkward for a few days, but we continued the strong friendship, seeing each other every day.

In January, I left the US, and we didn't see each other in person again until April. We didn't stay in contact very well. She never initiated the conversation, and I was hurt by that, so I didn't contact her. Still, I slept every night in Italy with the stuffed animal she made me laid over my heart. She graduated in May and is now living in a different state, so we still don't get to see each other very often.

I have tried to accept that she just isn't romantically attracted to me, and to move on with my life. Most of the time, that isn't very successful. I often spend a lot of time trying to decipher her actions, emotions, and desires concerning me.

I think I may have finally figured it out. My two leading theories up until this point were:

1) She doesn't like me the way I like her
>BUT she has said flirtatious things to me, her body language suggests an attraction, and when I saw her in April she made a huge effort to look feminine (she usually dresses in jeans and t-shirts-and she looks adorable like that!-but for some reason when I saw her she put on a fancy dress shirt. She even wore makeup. She wasn't seeing anyone else besides me that day, and we weren't planning on going anywhere "fancy").

2). She has feelings for me, but is afraid to admit that she may be lesbian/bisexual.
>BUT she isn't the least bit homophobic, has accepting parents and friends, and has freely admitted that she is unsure of her sexuality.

A few nights ago, while laying awake, I came up with a new, stronger theory:

3). She likes me, but hasn't realized that her attraction for me goes beyond friendship.

This explains the effort she put into her appearance, the body language indicating an attraction (fidgeting, licking lips, etc), the flirtatious remarks she has made towards me (calling me "cute" in a clearly sexual way, saying she loves me).

There are several reasons why she may have not yet realized that she is attracted to me. She has never had a strong romantic attraction towards anyone before (she told me this before I asked her out, so I know that she truly hasn't), so she may not know what it feels like. She also is not a very introspective, "in-touch-with-her-feelings" kind of person, so she may not know how to label the feelings she has towards me.

If I am right (and I realize that it is a big IF) how can I help her to realize that she is attracted to me, and that we could have a beautiful relationship? I think that contacting her more often would be a good place to start; texting several times a week, and talking via skype once a week.

I think that I could make some light, flirtatious remarks ("You look beautiful tonight!", that sort of thing).

What else could I do to help her realize her attraction, if it exists?

Thanks

[iamshewhoisme]

I'm with a man now, who has intimacy issues. He doesn't like to say he loves me, and he doesn't like to kiss. But... I am with him, and I know he loves me. I used to think obsessively about how I could get him to let me know that he loves me. I even talked to him a few times about it. He's not confused or anything, my point here is, it seems as tho you are obsessing on this woman. Obsessing shows and can be a huge turn off. It can be hard when you are very much IN LOVE with someone to do what I am going to suggest you do, and DON'T DO THIS FOR ATTENTION FROM HER, but PLEASE, find something else to really get involved into. Something that will pull your thoughts away from her. It WILL TAKE TIME, but you really need to find something else to keep your mind off of her. If you really do this and mean this, she will be wondering why your not paying so much attention to her. And I think she has to be responsible for her actions and not use you for a crutch when she needs attention. She seems as tho she does have some kind of feelings for you.. yes, but what's most important is that you try and not obsess on this and make your thoughts more positive. I have OCD too. Medication actually has done wonders for me. And, I had been obsessed in relationships before as well. I can relate to you !!!

[Secretum]

Thanks, I am She! I try to not obsess too much. She has no idea how much I think about her. I only contact her about once a week, maximum, and whenever she texts me, I wait a few hours to respond so that she doesn't think I am desperate.

Anyone else have any thoughts? One of my close friends told me I should tell her exactly how I feel. That's so scary! Do you think it would be worth trying? I'm pretty sure she doesn't know just how strong my feelings are for her. If that wouldn't work, what else can I try? Thanks

[avlady]

I say tell her before you lose the chance and she gets someone else, what could go wrong? if she tells you she doesn't want a relationship, let it go at that so you also can get over obsession with her. You may miss her but the feelings need to be mutual for a good relationship!

[Trippin2.0]

My bf just flat out told me that I loved him!
He was right too

We were friends, hung out daily and some weekends too. I thought I loved him in a friendly even brotherly way, never occurred to me that I was inlove with him. Also this was like 10 yrs ago, I was in HS and not on the dating scene. I knew infatuation and crushing, but never knew I loved him until he pointed it out!

We didn't date then, because I dont believe in HS romances, too distracting and whatnot, but I'm glad he had the guts to tell me, because 5 YEARS after HS, we found eachother and discovered nothing had changed between us.

So she may very well be in the dark.

[iamshewhoisme]

Originally Posted by Secretum

Thanks, I am She! I try to not obsess too much. She has no idea how much I think about her. I only contact her about once a week, maximum, and whenever she texts me, I wait a few hours to respond so that she doesn't think I am desperate.

Anyone else have any thoughts? One of my close friends told me I should tell her exactly how I feel. That's so scary! Do you think it would be worth trying? I'm pretty sure she doesn't know just how strong my feelings are for her. If that wouldn't work, what else can I try? Thanks

If you haven't tried yet, maybe you should, but people read allot into each other, and my guess, she already knows.

[iamshewhoisme]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

My bf just flat out told me that I loved him!
He was right too

We were friends, hung out daily and some weekends too. I thought I loved him in a friendly even brotherly way, never occurred to me that I was inlove with him. Also this was like 10 yrs ago, I was in HS and not on the dating scene. I knew infatuation and crushing, but never knew I loved him until he pointed it out!

We didn't date then, because I dont believe in HS romances, too distracting and whatnot, but I'm glad he had the guts to tell me, because 5 YEARS after HS, we found eachother and discovered nothing had changed between us.
So she may very well be in the dark.

I just want to say. your one smart cookie girl.. very intuitive of you to stay out of the dating thing in HS. your right, that stuff is too distracting.

[casurfer]

You can ask her out if you like.... but I suggest you date other girls... maybe she'll be jealous. It does seem by your original post like you're obsessed about her.... but you're young, the older you get, the more options you will have until you're about 45.... so go play the field.... you can tell her your feelings and if she changes her mind, then you'll be in a much better place!