secrecy

is it wrong to be secretive in a relationship? It's not that i have anything to hide it's just i like privacy. I find myself switching off the internet if my partner walks in to the room. or just doing things in private. i just like it that way but it causes problems. he says i'm hiding things from him but i can't seem to help it.. hmm not sure onthis one what i'm doing wrong.

So what would happen if he saw the site you were on? If he intrudes on your privacy, what reaction will he get & why?

Well it depends really. When he has walked in and seen me switch the internet off he questions me about what site i have been on etc. i have answered him but been really short with him and grumpy. I really don't know why like I say I have nothing to hide but can't seem to stop doing it. other times he just drops the subject but i know it gets to him.

I'm guessing to him it looks suspicious. Are you doing online Xmas shopping & don't want him to see ? Or just browsing sites? Or are you on sites like this that may lead to questions? My H doesn't know about this site & I don't wanto share it w/ him. That's my private area. But if I'm shopping 4 shoes I leave the window open.
Do u feel like you're hiding something?

OP: I am very much the same way. I am always hiding my screen and getting rid of my windows when others walk behind me, including my BF. He sometimes playfully bugs me about what I am hiding and has jokingly asked me if I was flirting with other boyfriends (what if he wasn't joking?) but there has been no conflict as a result of it. I just know it bugs him a little.

This site in particular is important for me to keep hidden. I otherwise have nothing else to hide. I guess I'm just self-conscious.

Gosh, I could be reading an article on JSTO American Anthropology on the Mohave Soul Concepts and want to switch window screens! It's called, right to privacy! I just don't want someone over my shoulder, asking me, question upon question about 'what'cha doing'? 'What'cha reading?' which can then lead to...."why are you reading that?" "what purpose does that serve?" And then, if they want to get more intruding, are you sure that's what you were really doing?

The question isn't a matter of what you have to hide, it's why is what you are looking at, so curious to them?

Is he 'that' insecure'? That comment oozes insecurity, to me! Means, there's lack of trust. imo.

I can understand why your partner would be worried as you are behaving in a suspicious way regardless of whether you are doing anything that he wouldn't like. Have you tried being more open? Do you feel guilty about what you look at? For me trust has to be earned.

^^
Trust has to be earned, just as privacy and boundaries should be respected.

OP; I am a secretive person. I always have been. I only share certain information when need be, and I enjoy my time alone. And there is nothing wrong with that. If your partner is getting suspicious, I would just explain to him that this is part of who you are, and it's not a part you're really wanting to change.

I honestly see no problem with privacy in a relationship. It is when a suspicious partner starts over thinking that problems start. Some of us need more time alone than others, that is just a fact of human nature. And it's alright.

My partner is like that. Everything is passworded to the hilt. He says he has nothing to hide. I know he's lying but I know it's t
So I don't freak out over things that are perhaps not that bad but I over react. But regardless of whether you are hiding anything or not the pain is causes is indescribable.

Without any explanation and communication as to why you are private and secretive, it's not wrong but I can see it causing problems. Turn the tables and ask yourself if out of the blue he always shut off the tv or computer when YOU walked in? Would you at least be a little curious as to what it was that he didn't wnat to share?

No in and of itself it's not necessarily a bad thing to have your own private time/space.. But I will say that you should be communicating to him about your needs in this area and help him to understand why you need that privacy. That way you can continue having your own space where you need it and he can more easily respect it and understand.

Trust goes both ways, and while haveing privacy is fine, if someone shut of their computer every time I walked into the room I would feel like perhaps that person did not trust me either ( that maybe I am the issue) not even that they might be hiding something although if it was constant sure one might feel that way. Like sandman said just talk about why you do it. We all like our privacy sometimes.

I would say that if it is ALL the time, perhaps it isn't bad to try to not do it all the time. And you can judge what you might be willing to share. Relationships are about shareing your life with someone. If someone was needing privacy all the time for things like browsing perhaps there is another reason why they do not want to open up at all. Not saying that is the case with you, but it could seem overly gaurded.

I fully agree with this.

Also, it is 100% suspicious when the person you are with shuts off their screen every time you walk into the room. Yes, there are some sites I prefer my privacy, like this one. But, if I'm reading news articles or playing a game or just surfing the web, then it doesn't matter. If you're worried that your partner is going to ask "why are you reading that?" That makes me think you feel guilty about it, which makes it even more suspicious. Trust may need to be earned, but I'd be losing trust in my partner if they were constantly shutting off the screen. And, I'd be losing interest in them if they never wanted to share their interests with me.

Thanks for all the replies I have spoken to him about it and I have also cut down on doing it. It just seems like I can't help it. I love being secretive it just seems to be part of who I am. I am going to work on it though. I don't have anything to hide and want this relationship to work.

You have every right to your privacy. I've always thought "tell each other everything" model for relationships was silly. I think part of the issue is that you need to be more subtle about it. Learn to use alt-tab instead of switching it off. People don't like to feel like someone is hiding something from them. You just need to learn how to keep your privacy while not making it so obvious.

Is it being secretive, or is it being private?

I understand your need for privacy and your own space. I am the same way. I don't like anyone knowing about many things I do daily, especially online. It's not that it's anything I'd be particularly embarrassed or ashamed about, it's just that I highly value my own personal activity without the eyes of anyone else watching or knowing what I am doing. It's usually not dependent upon what I am doing that makes me want to be private, it's just the principle that I feel like I have more personal space and freedom if I can have things I do that no one else knows about.

But I also understand his suspicion. It would seem shady if my guy turned away his computer screen whenever I entered the room.

I think you need to be firm with what level of privacy you want and draw specific boundaries for yourself that you'd like him to respect. If there is a healthy level of trust in the relationship, it shouldn't be a problem. If there has been trust issues, you might want to work those out before you explain how much privacy you'd ideally like to have.

I agree that there is a level of privacy that everyone needs, but that the idea of telling each other everything, in and of itself isn't silly in my mind but then it's also pretty subjective. Depends on the couple, but I think more importantly than the level of privacy needed is that they communicate, understand and agree on this.

I also agree that making it so it doesn't seem like you're hiding something from them is a good idea. But again, communicating about privacy needs is still something that should be done in addition to that. NO one can know exactly how you feel about privacy, that it's not anything you're doing, it's just your need to be private unless you tell them that.

I think privacy is important, but not to an extreme. if someone is constantly turning off their computer EVERY time you walk in on them, what are they hiding? there seems like their should be no reason to turn it off unless something is going on that needs to be private, unless there is something to hide. Just a thought.

And if it's a matter of EVERY time one goes on-line and someone is coming over the shoulder to see EVERY time one goes on-line, then that's the flip side to all of this!

Guess, the question, remains, what's the middle ground? Communicating on both sides is important!