[Teresa35]

Hello. Well i am 20 and I'm suffering from severe depression nowadays. I've lost immense weight cause of stress. I'm 37kg now being 5'1. I've endless problems. I even failed my exams due to distractions. I believe I'm even suffering from body dysmorphic disorder since I'm extremely social phobic and think about my flaws all the time. I'm a good looking person but I can't keep this fact in my mind. My mind keeps reminding me of how imperfect I am. When I look in the mirror I can only see asymmetry in my face. Looking back I was always like this but now it has gotten out of hands. I look in the mirrors alot but then I avoid them too just as much. I really don't talk to people anymore fearing they'll notice my flaws and I'll embarrass myself. I think I'm wasting my youth and I'm too thankless for all I've got. At the same time I'm narcissistic too. Sometimes I believe somehow I'm different and smart and pretty but the imperfection thoughts are slowly eating me away. I've started looking at celebrities pictures and comparing myself to them involuntarily. It's so hard. When I don't get attention or don't get talked to I cry and get so depressed. I lock myself up. I've a large family and nobody really cares among any of them. I've become so weak to the point where I believe my life might end soon, which I even want to. I was always religious but now even my faith has become so weak. I get suicidal thoughts. I don't have anyone to talk to. I'm in a relationship with a guy suffering from bipolar disorder I so believe. He has effected my life a lot too. He has kind of pushed in the knife that was already inside of me due to a terrible childhood. Worst thing is I'm in love with him and so afraid of him too. He was too nice in the beginning but you know how bipolar disorder shows its true colours later. He blames me and my family for every thing that goes wrong in his life. That's what bipolar people do. I've been there for him the whole time and he has always treated me ****, while he thinks he 'made' me the smart person I'm right now. I'm with him cause our personalities sort of match and he's very intelligent. He knows everything. But he doesn't understand me at all. Since the beginning I've always stayed quiet while he'd say all the worst things in the world to me. He breaks up with me twice a week since four years and it has always killed me. Two months ago he totally left saying he deserved better but came back now. Those two months I had really straightened myself up and so strongly I had moved on despite being crap heart broken. But now he's back and I realise it can't work anymore. My parents never liked him cause of his mental illness and never accepted him. That struck me and him badly. His self esteem is deeply affected and I cannot believe I'd never be able to marry the person I love. He doesn't ever accept his mistakes and he'll never make up to my mother for weird things he told her. I've always waited for the day when he'd really listen to me and I can clear his path and we can be together but he hates me to bits cause of my family and is making my life hard. He has started telling me now that if I make him even a bit upset while talking he'll show my family my nude pictures. My older sister got married and I'm terrified that I'm the next one now and I fear I'd never find someone like my guy but with a lovely and peaceful heart. I'm dying to be loved. I'm frustrated as hell. I love him so much it's almost impossible to ever let him go. Though I can't leave him. He says he'll ruin my life and tell the future guy(if exists ever) strange things about me. Plus I cannot think of being with another new guy in future. I've been with my guy only and i can never touch anyone else. It'll be heartbreaking thinking I couldn't get the man I love (my guy) and I'm with this new jerk. I think Worst feeling is that of guilt. He blames me for everything and I feel so guilty. I forget my reality that I'm actually innocent and that I've drowned along with him cause of his illness. It's like I've given him my hand to help him out of water but instead I'm drowned down too. My education is effected the most. I fear I'll die or take my life before I can even do something good in life. I'm not going to kill myself God will hate me but still when I'm too depressed then I think of future suicide which is a sick thought. My dream was to get in a medical college and study medical but I failed the test. I'm going to give it next year. But I'm really stuck somewhere. Please help. I'm not listened to at home too. Even because I don't want to tell anyone these things. I don't trust anybody anymore. I don't believe in love anymore. I don't believe in dreams anymore. So I need real help. Plus I can't see a psychiatrist or therapist for real that's why I'm here. I can't even go out to party and crap. I'm not into that stuff. So please help me allign everything in my head. I'll be so grateful. I'll pray for you (: thanks alot.

[warriorbride]

Hi, Teresa35.
I'm truly sorry that you are going through all this. It seems that your guy doesn't truly love you by the way he treats you and sounds threatening. If he keeps breaking up with you and coming back on and off, maybe he doesn't know what he truly wants?? I can see that you truly love him and care about him. When your family didn't accept him, you did. When they rejected him, you didn't. Does he see that in you? It's never a mistake to care about someone, much more love someone. Can he see your worth? Does he realize that you are a blessing? You love him and fear him at the same time. There's no fear in love. If you truly love him, you would be at peace.

Don't worry about what people think of you or how you look. God loves you just the way you are and you are beautiful in His eyes. Worrying about what others think will keep you a prisoner. He is the only one who will never hurt you. He sees every tear that you cry, knows every moment you're alive. He knows your heart and understands how you feel. I'm going through something myself and need someone to talk to. I would like to be your friend and be here for you.

[curley]

Wow, It sounds like you have a lot of drama in your life. I think you should concentrate on your self confidence! Try not to worry about what someone who said he could do better will say or do! And him trying to blackmail you with pictures you took in private. I say he is low budget and YOU can do so much better because you seem to have a good heart and a conscience. I think your mom may be upset if she saw such a thing, but do not stop that from telling him to get lost.
Dont worry about another man right now....work on yourself....Hang with people that know how wonderful you are! People can be mean.......Like I said work on you and never forget all your assets! Anyone that tries to make themselves feel bigger by making you feel small is not acceptable and please dont listen, turn and run!!!!! Be good to you!!!!

[baboosaa]

they say the most difficult disease that any medicine cant heal is metal and the most subtle disease that needs no medicine is also mental