relationships experience

jack_of_all · Sep 29, 2013, 12:39 PM

Well, a person in the introductions suggested I drop by here and talk a little more about my relationship fears. Although I'm not even close to really wanting a partner, I figured it won't hurt. Besides, the grass is too wet to mow right now anyway. Might as well grab yourself a drink... there is lots to tell. And I've never really told anyone before.

I suppose I'll start from the beginning. Maybe something is important. As a young boy, I moved around a lot from school to school. For the most part, it was just me, brother, and mom. My first youngster crush was a girl of color. A white boy in Tennessee in the mid 80's simply did not do that. This would have been about first grade or so. I was of course ridiculed to no end.

My next youngster crush was in the middle of 2nd grade. I was in Illinois now. It was the only girl that would talk to me like a person and help me catch back up in school work. Tennessee and Illinois had different educational goals then, and I was far behind by Illinois standards. She and I were close friends all the way to 5th grade, when I moved again. I never did ask her out.

In 8th grade, I found myself moved back to the first Illinois school again, and found myself wondering why the girl had less interest. I was too young to really get it that youngsters change over time. I had a different crush though. Helped her with her biology all the time. Even helped her cheat. It was a bit of a secret, and nobody would have believed her if she ever did tell. I gave her the right answers, I marked wrong ones. Her tests came back as A's, mine as D's. As an interesting side comment, all those biology tests I practacly did for her... she is now a RN. Ha! Back on track though, I never did tell her I had a thing for her either.

8th grade valentines was also the first and last dance I've ever been to. The three popular girls at the school all decided it would be a good idea to dance with me. They surrounded me in this triangle type thing, took turns twirling me around, dancing then would push me hard enough I'd fall to the next girl. I still don't think they had any intentions of anything mean. I think they just wanted to dance, and this was the first time they ever got to be around me outside of a classroom.

It was a little sweet, the early 2nd - 5th grade crush made her way over and told the populars that what they are doing is too much for me. Not long after, I happened to see first crush and current crush talking. They came back to this triangle of torture. Current crush kinda pulled me away from one of the popular girls... and told her "This **** is over. He hates it, look at him." She was right... I was in tears, short of breath, and barely standing. The first crush had some kind of spat with all three populars. I called for my ride home, and made my way outside. I looked in through the windows, watching. The first crush and current crush gave each other a hug. One of the populars got a good slap from current crush. The rest of my time at that school, I was known as the only guy in history that hated dancing with the populars. I've never been to another dance anywhere since.

Sophmore HS year, I find myself in St Louis area. I was interested in two girls. Being fearful, I just decided that if they were interested, they would come to me. One finally did. My first kiss was her trying to jump up to land a suprise one on me. LOL! She missed though, it landed on my chin. Pretty regularly, we would go to a riverbank of the Missouri river and chill there. Several weeks went by like this. She finally figured out that I would never get past the hugs and hands. She knew from other talks that I can't swim. One day, she somehow managed to jump up enough and knock my balance so far off, I landed with my back against a small tree. With her leaning her weight into me, nowhere for my arms to push against, and a drop-off to the river behind me, I had nowhere to go. Vola! My first "real"kiss. Oh sure, I was major panicking at first. It didn't take too long though for 16 y/o hormones, an endorphin rush, beautiful girl, and some cheering from a boater who was watching the entire spectacle to make it all better. Later, she invented this game to help with the nervousness. We were to try to steal each others candy from our mouths. I was a kisser now!!! By the time that school year ended, I was still virgin, although she tried her best to fix that many times. I moved to the other side of Missouri over that summer. This was really upsetting. Of course it was, she was my first g/f at an age when I had the boy hormones to tell me she was definitely a girl. People always say that first one somehow holds a special piece of your heart that never fades.

My next meeting with girls would have been around my Senior year, if I would have stayed in school. School was a relentless, cold, and hateful place to me. Always had been. With the exception of the two Ilinois crushes... I hated the other kids at school each and every day.

I lived with this girl at her parents for a while. I was working at a retail store, and she was finishing high school. The next fall, she was in college. The first visit to her at college was an experience. It's been said college is an institute of higher learning. I met beer that night. Well, a beer funnel/bong. Later, as I continued to get more and more plastered, the rest of the girls on that floor of the girls dorm found out I was still a virgin. It would seem that horny college chicks think that's somehow adorable. It probably was... I was 19ish at the time. By the time the night ended... my "girl count" went from 0 to a number a little more on par with the norm for a guy my age.

My next significant relationship was a girl I had met through a college classmate. It seemed great for a while. She was very attractive, although a touch on the mouthy side. We ended up moving to Indiana, where we had a kid. Shortly after, she changed drastically. It went from a nice time with the occasional talk about compromise to her constantly screaming and yelling at me. I was always wrong, no matter what. I'd on occasion have to re-cook a meal... or even do it a third time before she was satisfied. We moved back to Missouri. I wanted to end this relationship, but had no support in Indiana.

Back to Missouri. Met what was to become my two best friends, we were neighbors. Broke up with the witch. We had been together for three years. I lost a custody battle. At the time, I didn't know Missouri strongly favored the mother. I was deeply devastated. I knew that my daughter would now have to live in filth with a screaming mother all the time.

Somehow, I came into contact with one of the St Louis girls again. Remember when I said there was two? It was the other of the two. We got together. I'm not sure why, but it's hard for me to account for most of the time with her. I do remember that she always seemed a little cold and uncaring. It was having a friend with me that I trusted though that I really cherished. I over looked her cheating on me. Hell, we each had our own "toy" there for a while. We knew it, and it was acceptable. We both came home at the end of the night, and our room was a special place where we would talk, share stories, and watch silly late night TV.

One day though, I came home and she was gone. As were her things. I lost it. Mom had to help me for a long time to even function. By the time this girl had left, I'd known her for 14 years or so.

This event was in 2009. I haven't been interested in girls since. Somewhere I seen an article about relationships. At the end of the article was a questions about... Sure, love is a risk. But would you rather take the risk and either get hurt or enjoy a lifetime of deep connection... or would you rather stay alone and never have the chance?

Personally, I just assume stay alone. I don't think I will survive another relationship. After the previous two, the several suicide attempts thereafter... there is no way I'm going back.

A cuddle once in a while might be nice. But that would then likely lead to talking, and... well... yea. Cuddling is how the road to relationships start. I won't be doing that.

manwithnofriends · Sep 29, 2013, 01:07 PM

If you don't think you will survive another relationship, you don't need one. You won't be judged because you don't have a partner. My mother's colleague never had one for 48 years!

curley · Sep 29, 2013, 04:14 PM

I agree with Manwithnofriends.
I think that many people worry to much about not being in a relationship.... Family pressure or society pressure maybe.
Do what is right and comfortable for you!

healingme4me · Sep 29, 2013, 07:16 PM

I agree, if your aren't interested in having a relationship for a long time, it's not the end of the world. Sometimes, people just need some time to be solo. Nothing wrong with that.

jack_of_all · Sep 29, 2013, 08:03 PM

Thank you guys much for the non-judgmental support on this! It's nice to hear "it's ok" rather than the typical pressure and odd looks I'm accustomed to getting on the topic. Perhaps someday it'll be different, but not tomorrow. Next week isn't looking good for it either!

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