Loss of Friendship

I'm not sure if this is the best place for it - I'm still new. I recently lost my friendship with my best friend, Zack. He had been having a lot of trouble with his wife, and I thought I was just being supportive, but he told me we we having an emotional affair and he couldn't talk to me anymore. I'm depressed over the loss of a friend, guilty even though I thought I was just being supportive and a friend. I just feel horrible. And part of me wonders if he was just using me until his marriage got better. I just needed to talk about it, and I don't have anywhere else.

I am sorry you are going through this. Sounds like the troubles with the wife, resulted, in his needing to cut off all communication with you

Hard to say, whether it was or wasn't an emotional affair. Not all friendships, take away from marriages, so without understanding how or why, I cannot either say if he was just using you until things got better?

Did he explain, how and what made this an emotional affair? Was it mentioned through marital counseling?

Just because it ended, between you, doesn't necessarily mean that things are all rosey between, them, either.

Depends on the nature of their troubles?

I'm not sure if it's something his therapist mentioned or not. I thought we were just friends - we would talk about work, our parents, cry on each other's shoulders, try to help each other through hard times. But I always encouraged him to work through things with his wife and to talk to her. He had told me a few months ago that his wife was jealous of our friendship, and that was when I first started to feel guilty, even though I'm not attracted to him or anything. I tried to talk to him less, put some distance, but I guess that wasn't enough. I worry that I contributed to his problems, even if it was never my intention.

If he mentioned she was jealous of your friendship, it could be what's dangled over him? As in the divorce, dangling over the head, with threats? Not sure, just sorry you've lost a friend.

I'm sorry. I haven't been in exactly the same situation but I have lost friends. Having friends of the opposite sex when you are adults and in relationships things can get very complicated very easily. Right now your best bet is to try to be understanding...I'm sure your friend doesn't want to end the friendship with you but right now he has to put his marriage first and work at making it work.

I'm so sorry. It sounds like you had something really special with Zack. I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet. You needn't feel guilty for having a close friendship, it sounds like the feelings were mutual. Perhaps someone encouraged Zack to separate from you and to focus more on his marriage. Maybe once he gets back on track with his marriage, maybe you can be friends again?

I hadn't considered that maybe his wife encouraged him to push me out. :/ But maybe you're both right - maybe if he continues to work on his marriage and it gets better, she'll be more secure and maybe we can start slowly again.

I was on vacation last and I was so used to picking up cheesy, dorky gifts for my friends that I picked up this ridiculous cheap thing without thinking anything other than, "He'll crack up when he sees this." It wasn't until I got to the register that I remembered.

You know where your feelings stand, but maybe Zack felt something more like an emotional affair on his part. I don't feel it is too fair to think it's just the wife, perhaps but even so you only have what he said to go by, especially since she hasn't spoken for herself about the issue.

I know that I would not really feel comfortable with my husband crying on another womens shoulders, after that is part of the reason I am there, maybe he was leaning on you a litttle to much instead of his wife. There is a point where it becomes unbalanced, and it could very well be him and not her. While you did nothing wrong her feelings may not be out of place either.

It's not your fault the friendship came to an end. I would repsect his words and choice to end it tho. Doing otherwise at this point is more likely to complicate things further. It's hard to loose a friend but it's not all lost. The time you did spend together still has value. I would try to look at it that way were it me.

Maybe things will change but I would not initiate at this point.

I commend your friend for knowing to do the right thing, the commitment to his wife is bigger than the one to a friend. It is always a risk when we befriend the opposite sex, and doubly so if they are married...
I wish you the best as you find new friends...make new memories. Treasure those you have with this friend, they will help you grow.

Its tough when guys and girls are friends. I know I am friends with a guy and if he ever gets in a relationship it will be really hard for me.

Emotional affairs are difficult to place blame on from an outside party, so maybe him leaning on your shoulders for support looked bad to the wife.

But as hard as it is, I think its time for you to move on and make some new friendships and step aside and let him work things out with his wife.

Thank you to everybody. It helps to just be able to talk about it.