[bamber]

I have been married to my husband for 9 years. We have 2 school age kids, and each had 2 kids when we married for a total of 6 kids. I have been in school for 3 years and will be done in January. My husband told me he cheated on me 2 days ago when I was out of the state at a presentation for school. I don't know what to do. I am so confused and scared. I love him very much, but I feel like he just ripped my heart out. We have had a very bad year, we have fought and threatened to leave each other many times. I feel like this was his way out? In my previous relationship I was cheated on many times, when we got together he knew this information and promised and swore he would never cheat. I told him then that I didn't think I could live with him cheating. I just want to rewind the last few weeks and make it go away. Help please

[timj]

I am so, so sorry. No one should have to go through this. When your husband told you, did he make it sound like it was a one-time thing or a real affair? Both are heart-breaking, but if it was a one-time affair and he is REALLY sorry and completely transparent about all his future interactions and works like crazy to rebuild trust and you love each other, you will have a foundation to rebuild your marriage.

The children make this hard to just walk away. If there is remorse, he agrees to seek out help (marriage counseling or personal therapy) and you have the foundation of love, it is worth rebuilding.

I have been dealing with something like this with my wife cheating via cyber sex and phone sex but we both still love each other and have reforged a new bond. I think the bond will last.

[gayleggg]

Originally Posted by timj

I am so, so sorry. No one should have to go through this. When your husband told you, did he make it sound like it was a one-time thing or a real affair? Both are heart-breaking, but if it was a one-time affair and he is REALLY sorry and completely transparent about all his future interactions and works like crazy to rebuild trust and you love each other, you will have a foundation to rebuild your marriage.

The children make this hard to just walk away. If there is remorse, he agrees to seek out help (marriage counseling or personal therapy) and you have the foundation of love, it is worth rebuilding.

I have been dealing with something like this with my wife cheating via cyber sex and phone sex but we both still love each other and have reforged a new bond. I think the bond will last.

I agree, but I know it is hard to deal with the issue of trust. I know it will be a hard decsion for you. Best wishes.

[Webgoji]

This is going to sound brutal and I apologize for the tone, but kick him to the curb.

If he was unhappy, he needed to step up and say what was bothering him so that you both could work it out. Going behind your back and cheating is dishonorable and cowardly and sets a terrible example for your kids as well as a symptom of bigger trust issues.

[oldlife_disrupted]

You have all my sympathies and I know you're hurting. Please don't make any huge decisions while you're hurting this much and don't do anything that has you committing to dates (like telling your husband he has to do X by Y date or else)...concentrate on yourself only, you need to heal from this.

If you're considering forgiveness, there's a book called Divorce Remedy that has strategies on working through this sort of thing. But first things first, you're in pain and in shock and take care of yourself first.

[healingme4me]

In house separation, until all of this gets resolved is my suggestion, meaning shock wears off, you are in a position to know your decision, and time to decide how assets to be divided and what is going to happen with the children. So sorry, he did this, and sorry you are going through all of this.

[Trippin2.0]

Does seem like his exit strategy, well IMO anyway...

You say your marriage has been suffering all year with threats of divorce, but neither of you pulling the trigger. Then he goes and does the one thing he knows you said would be a deal breaker, knowing you've been betrayed before.

Ask him outright if that was his way of pulling the divorce trigger, and then take it from there.

So sorry you're hurting so badly

[Perna]

That was ugly of him to tell you while you were away and alone at a professional conference where you needed to be able to concentrate on what was going on there. I would definitely consult a lawyer and accountant when I got back home, remind myself of the overall family situation and think about what I wanted/see happening and then have a conversation with my husband and maybe see about family counselling for the children as it is all worked out, whatever your husband and you decide to do to move forward.

As much as we love another adult, we cannot direct their actions for them, make them be responsible and supportive partners, parents, etc. I do not know what has been going on in the past year but it does not sound like he is working to make the marriage work better?

[HourHand]

I am really sorry you were broad sided like that. What a ridiculous place and time to drop a bomb like that on you. What a man, what a man...

I agree with one of the posters above, step back, get yourself apart from this dude (in-house) and figure out where his head is. If he is not communicating or you feel he is hedging or lying then go about the business of collecting paperwork. Protect yourself and your children.

Looks like he wants you to be the bad guy here. How nice.

Feel bad for you.

HourHand

[Brownie627]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am going through something similar. I wish things were different but the only thing that you can do now is focus on yourself and do some serious praying. I wish you all the best.

[Poppy Princess]

I would move on.