[Mildmanneredgirl]

Hi

I come here after experiencing what I can only describe as the worst few weeks of my entire life.
I've been with my partner for 20 years and we have two children (12 & 16) together. We met as teens and he was/is my first true love.

Our relationship has never been a 'conventional' relationship any sense of the word. I've long suspected he's on the autistic spectrum, because of his unsocial ways, unusual obsessions and communication problems. However, despite his social disabilities, he's always been a fantastic Dad, a soul mate for me and I consider him my best friend.

As is well documented his disabilities eventually took their toll on his life in so many ways and has meant he has been unable to work for the past ten years.
And has other health issues that have added to his stress levels. He's a very proud man, and this has affected him mentally. To the point that ten yrs ago he has a psychotic break and spent a few months in a psych unit.
When he was in the unit he kept telling me he did not want to continue a relationship with me even thou he loved me. He said he did not think he could fulfill any of my 'needs', even thou it was him second guessing what my needs were.
His Matriarch, controlling Mother (who verbally abused him as a kid) made it her mission to encourage him to come back home to her, after verbally abusing me via phonecalls, and even yelled that I had 'taken her Son away from her' all those years ago!
But, my Partner and I eventually reconciled and he moved back home.

The past year or so I have noticed a major change in his personality and moods. He was tons of eating sugary foods, sleeping all day and disappearing off for hours at a time after rowing with me over silly things. His memory has been terrible and the other week he even forgot what year it is!
Our relationship has suffered in a big way. We were rarely intimate, although when we were he told me he loved me...Then a few days later he was telling me he is unable to feel love. Or that he feels he doesn't love me. Then again a few days later he's showing me affection and telling me he loves me again. I Just knew he was going to breakdown again. Which he did..

So now history is repeating itself with even greater force, and he's currently back in the psych unit, under a section (that I had to make happen) & they have diagnosed a psychotic break.
Since being in hospital he has not communicated with me, asked the nurses not to tell me anything about his treatment. But asking (via his Mother) to maintain contact with the children. His meddling Mother is right back in the middle of everything. Even down to trying to control when he speaks to the kids, and making my life very difficult. But, she is his only contact right now.
I've heard from the hospital that he will be allowed to leave tomorrow and in so many terms has said he wont be coming home. So his Mother has said he can come to live with her (and her grown Daughter, 3 yr old Grandson and Husband) temporarily until the psych team can find him somewhere permanant to live.

I have had a hard time dealing with the fact his Mother has been right in the middle of it all again. Its almost like its what she wanted...I can imagine she hasn't told him how much I miss him like I asked her too. As she said his mind is 'too fragile' for her to speak about anything too personal.
I've had a row with her over the phone the past week, and she has called me 'abusive' because after she told me she knows how I feel, I told her that she has no idea how I, or our kids feel!...How is that abusive? Since that day, she has said she will no longer be communicating with me via phonecalls and will be limiting it to texts only, just to ask how the kids are 'coping'.

All of this situation has made me sick to my very core. I'm not sleeping well, eating much, crying all the time and I just feel cast aside like the villian in all of this. I understand that right now he wont be in the right frame of mind to come home, and we probably could do with the break. But, this time it feels like he's not ever coming back and I feel so heartbroken and lost without my best friend and long term partner. I just wish I could make everything all ok again. (

[Travelinglady]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central! Let's hope when his mental health gets better he will be ready to come back home to you.

It is unfortunate that his mom is so involved. After all, I assume by now that you are his common law wife. I assume if you were officially married, then you would have legal precedence over the mother. But, anyway, let's also hope his mom will back out some as time goes on, if he does improve and want to come back.

So sorry you are going through this all.

[LadyShadow]

Hello there,

I am sorry all this is happening right now. All I can say is just keep posting and writing down your feelings to get it out of you. I understand this is a difficult time for you, and I hope your husband's mother backs off of you too.

You are no way the villain in all of this. Just hang in there, hugs to you

to you and your family.

[Mildmanneredgirl]

Thankyou everyone for your support...

Its been a dreadful few weeks and lots has happened. My Partner was allowed to leave the hospital, but his Mother said she did not want him staying with her! So she phoned an old friend of hers and he's been staying there with her two grown up children. The place he's staying is about ten mins drive from his Mothers house, and he's been going to his Mums to do his washing and the occasional meal.

I have broken contact with his Mother as she was still trying to dominate the situation. One of the things was her trying to arrange for the kids to come to her house to see their Dad. I told her if they were to see their Dad it would be something him and I would be arranging and on a 'neutral' ground.

At first he was ringing the children every few days for a few mins at a time via their mobiles. But, that soon dwindled.
Then two days back I bumped into him whilst waiting for a bus. I asked that we chatted about the situation. And I was quite surprised to hear him asking me if his Mother had been her usual dominating self! He said how she had been barging her way into ALL his sessions with his psychiatrist and he had been overwelmed by her demands. He also said he had told the staff in the hospital how she had at times interfered in our relationship. I told him how upset the whole situation had made me, and the kids and he seemed to show a sense of guilt. We chatted about him saying he wanted to move out and he said that he felt his mental health was too much for me to handle. That his anger issues were a big thing for him, and he wanted me to have a better life. He held my hand when I became emotional. And said he would always love me, I was his 'first love'. His level of empathy and understanding were actually really overwelming. And for that brief while I felt the person I fell in love with was talking to me. He hugged me, leant in and kissed my face & deep kissed me a few times. Those moments took me by surprise, but it felt really good. I guess I was enjoying the tenderness that I've missed for so long.
I told him to call me to arrange something for him to see the kids. And I also made him know that he was welcome to drop by to collect anything he needed from the house. ALL his stuff is still here, and he has a LOT of things. We said our goodbyes, and I walked away feeling like I had forged some kind of friendship link with him at least. Maybe I was even a little bit carried away with it all..

Anyway, that was two days ago and I've not heard a thing since. His phone has been switched off all that time....I cant contact him. The kids cant contact him, and they haven't spoken to him all week. I'm feeling really angry today..Almost like he had lied to me during that conversation we shared, and had only said what he felt I wanted to hear. It really hurts. Not only for myself, but why isn't he bothering with the kids, despite me telling him how much they were hurting & needed to know he cares!

[wisedude]

Well... Firstly the mother sounds like an interfering nasty vindictive person! She obviously has ZERO respect for you, and wants to destroy your relationship.

But to be honest, your partner obviously has MASSIVE mental issues, like REALLY BIG ONES.

Psychotic episodes are not just a small deal. I mean his mental health characteristics sound so significant it is hard to imagine that it is good for children to be exposed to him.

He has not work for 10 years! He is essentially a psychiatric invalid.

I don't know why you consider that he can be a supportive partner and a good father, he has SEVERE ISSUES.

I personally would not be involved with someone with such extreme problems, but if you must be, well he could still be somewhat ill and perhaps his opinion of your relationship will change if he gets better. Of course, maybe he is not mentally capable, and maybe his mother is manipulating his vulnerable state to get him away from you.

If he is suffering from psychotic breaks it would be useful to know what is diagnosis is.

I can't comment further without knowing a diagnosis, but his problems sound very severe and long term.