[mardandew]

My husband of 30 years (31 this Oct. 26th) and I had a very bad falling out. He had a breakdown and I left with my two grown sons, father and dog to stay with my youngest in California.

After weeks of name calling, he did, she did and lots of crying, he has again (he has been asking over and over but we keep fighting) asked me to come home. I still love this guy but the things that were said and done were very very hurtful.

He has always been a good husband and provider, but because of his cultural background, he believes the man should shoulder all the responsibility and kept all the problems to himself despite my pleas to help and to discuss things.

In any case, he wants me to come home and try to mend the broken fences and resume our relationship. He has promised that we will go to counseling and that he will put all the hurt and bad things behind us.

My biggest worry right now is that I will now be leaving my three sons alone in an apartment that they may not be able to afford (we rented the apartment together when I came here) on their own. My husband hates them right now because he blames the two older ones for everything that happened (it's a long story but not really their fault) and doesn't want to have anything to do with them.

I'm hoping that with time and therapy, he will learn to realize that most of what happened was his fault and yes, we all had a part in it, and that we can one day become a family again. My sons are all grown and in their 20's but we have always been a very close family. My husband is just hurt and feels that we all abandoned him (he kind of forced us out by his words and actions) and I'm pretty sure that he will come around eventually, or at least I hope and pray he will.

He is a very proud and stubborn person. As I said I still love him and want to mend our relationship so I do want to go back home to try to fix it. But I'm worried about his stubbornness and his reluctance to let go of the past.

He has asked me to make a decision as soon as possible and let him know, so he can make the arrangements to help me get back home (I'm 3000 miles away with no money or means to get back home).

What should I do? Should I let him help me get back home or should I stay with my sons. I think my place is with my husband, no matter how difficult it may be to overcome things. My sons are grown and need to get on with their lives and don't need their mom hanging around their necks. (Even though they say that's not true). I do not handle stress very well and that is one of the reason why I left him. I couldn't take his ranting and raving anymore. He has always been a very take charge person and I always gave in to him just to keep from fighting, but after 30 years of it, I guess I just had enough. Since I left him in July, I believe I have been standing up to him more and more and I know he is not used to it and resents it. But he will have to get used to it because I am tired of being a doormat and need to build up my self-esteem and feel important in my own eyes.

Looking for confirmation that my intent to go home is the best solution. Is there a chance that because of the ordeal we have just experienced that we might become closer in our relationship? I am close to 60 and he just turned 60.

[NWgirl2013]

If he gets some counseling BEFORE you go back to him. Otherwise you will be going into a situation that has not changed. He will assume you will be his doormat especially without the support of the grown children behind you. And it is likely. You need counseling to learn how to withstand what he throws at you. You are just starting to learn.
I would stay put, if I'd made such a great step for myself. Encourage him to get started on the counseling. Then see if it makes things better. Don't be bullied into returning to the same situation. If change is what you want, stick to your guns. Tell him what you need to happen. Then wait and see what he does. He needs to prove it will be better.
I wish you so much luck in this!