[Jagz]

Hello,

I am 22 year old male and have been dating my girlfriend for 2 years now. Overall we have a great relationship. Now at the beginning of our relationship she would always check my phone to make sure I wasn't flirting with other girls and what not, which I never did or do. This stopped about 2 months into dating.

I never had the tendency to spy on her or do anything of that sort but yesterday I got a little curious as to what she googles. I know her password because I've seen her type it many time before. So google has a web history with everything that you've searched while on your account. I went to this to see what she was looking up. Everything seemed normal except the last thing she looked up was a "military porn". I didn't think anything of it at first, because earlier she told me she was feeling horny and might masturbate later on. I guess I forgot to mention we live about 40 minutes away because we go to different colleges. Anyway I call her up and she told me that she got back from her self defense class. I ask her who was teaching this class and she said some guy how in the military. Well that raised a red flag in my mind.

I'm worried that she is thinking of about this man when she is pleasuring herself. Now that I connected two and two I feel really bad about spying on her like this and finding out what i did. I mean I know that she's not cheating, technically but it still hurts me that she could be thinking about him with her.

She the starts telling me about how I should take self defense because she's never see me try to "defend" because I've never been in that situation and knowing that I can protect her is a turn on. Which to me I am like great " she goes to a class that turns her on and has a military teacher that she look up military porn.

Wha do I do? Do I confront her and tell her that I snooped and potentially damage our otherwise wonderful relationship or brush it under the rug?

Please any I'd really like some advice right now.

Jagz

[healingme4me]

First thing, would be to ask yourself, what emotions were floating through you, that led to a moment of not trusting her.

If she is fantasizing about someone else, while masturbating, of all things, why is this a personal affront to your relationship? It's a fantasy, if that's what she's even fantasizing about, whether the person is real or not.

The point of imagining oneself with someone else, and crossing that boundary into a full blown affair..that's a far reach.

I get that you stopped flirting with other women, to be true to your relationship. I just didn't, personally, realize that it wasn't OK, for someone to fantasize about another while involved??

[Webgoji]

1. You need to be honest and I would suggest apologizing.
2. As HealingMe4Me said, fantasizing about someone else is not big deal, it's just a fantasy. For example, there's no reason to be worried about her going to work because she read 50 Shades of Gray.
3. There is a correlation between violence and sexual arousal (not a causation, just correlation). Ergo, she's interested in seeing you in martial arts because of that correlation.

Finally, I think that last one is really important. She want's you to join her in that class and that means, ultimately, that she's choosing you to be with.

[Odee]

I absolutely want to point out what Webgoji emphasized.

Perhaps your girlfriend has just discovered that she finds protective men attractive, but she has invited YOU to fulfill her fantasy. She obviously wants you. In terms of fantasy, she may have not been fantasizing about particularly her MA instructor, just turned on by the general concept of martial arts oriented men.

I'd say to have fun with it, learn about her turn on. It would be great for both of you.

[Jagz]

Thanks for you input everyone. After I typed my original post, I was so distraught that I couldn't bare holding it in anymore. I called her and told her everything I did and know. She admitted to it and also said that it was the fact that her instructor throws around all these girls turns her on and her classmates. I asked her straight up though if she thought about him specifically when pleasuring her self. At first she was quiet bit admitted that she thought about him specifically.

Although we talked for the next hour and a half I couldn't help but still be upset. She said that she would never and has never acted on feelings of that sort. She also said that she felt disgusted after doing her deed and knew it was wrong right after.

We only see each other on the weekends which isn't that bad and usually for both days of the weekend. Plus I'm only 35-40 minutes away. She tells me sometimes that she has needs and because we don't see each other leads to this kind of thing. However, all throughout our relationship she has never had a high sex drive in the first place and has told me this many time, which doesn't bother me because its not all about sex. So you can see now why this whole situation on top of many other stresses in life (schooling and etc) really put me down.

As of right now, her last message to me was that she is confused and needs time to think. What that means, I have no idea. I doubt it means our relationship is on the line because other than this our relationship is great. But still a part of me worries and it worries deeply. I'm afraid to lose her. I am supposed to go over to her tomorrow but right now I'm not sure what is going on.

as a married woman who is not too opposed to pornography, i'd have to say she's trying to get you to fulfill her fantasies. sure, maybe this military guy does turn her on, but you should feel great and relieved that she is talking to you about taking a self-defense class and becoming more like this other guy. if she wasn't wanting you to fulfill her fantasies, then she wouldn't be talking to you about taking a class because she'd just go for the other guy.

basically, what Webgoji and Odee said, lol.

[Odee]

Jagz, when you girlfriend said that she needed time to think, it may be that she needs to think and sort out your reaction to find the best way to define her position and make you understand her without any hurt. Your GF may have been very confused by your reaction and was surprised by the intensity of your hurt. That places her in a position struggling to determine whether what she did was right or wrong.

But, your GF had no ill intentions and what she did was extremely normal.

(and a guy throwing around girls? Yes, that's hot, lol.)

[Grey Matter]

Spying never ends well for either party. She wants to fulfill those fantasies with you, as others have said.

[wisedude]

You are reading WAY TOO MUCH into the situation. CHILL OUT.

The guy at her martial arts class or whatever it is may be in the military, and she may have LOOKED AT (that does not mean she masturbated to it) "military porn", but that does not mean she is thinking of THAT guy.

Maybe she has sort of disciplinarian / authority figure type sexual attraction / fetish. I don't know, but maybe you could act I don't know strict or dress in a uniform, she might have some sort of fantasy that you could be involved in for her.

It was a search term in google. If I was judged for what I search for on google, I would get the death penalty!

[wisedude]

My suggestion is don't be paranoid she is not interested in you (if she shows good signs that she is), but ask her if there is anything about "military or police guys" that she finds attractive, and ask her if there is anything you could do, that she would like.

[carla37]

I disagree , im the party pooper hear. Sorry. It isnt healthy or. Right for her to be thinking about anyone bit you, i no what damage fantasy can do, if you are not strong enough to handle the emotions that come with it, she should be excepting you for who you are not who she wants you to be. These are very tricky emotions to stir up. Be yourself if she.doesn't like u whole heartly for who u.are i.would not participate in this, i no its lame, and boring but someone always geta hurt. These are lust feelings not to be mistaken for truth. Be careful,