[katgalaxy8606]

Hey everyone,

It's been a while since I've been on the boards; I hope everyone is doing well.

I need to talk about something. Will see my therapist tomorrow, but for now, I need all of you

Any advice or commentary is appreciated.

So, here goes...parents divorced when I was 3; father is an alcoholic and mother is very emotionally distant. When I was only 4 my mother got engaged to another man, my stepfather, who has raised me for the last 20 years.

Both of them are emotionally distant and seem unable to give love to my sister and I. They seem unable to give support and don't seem to be very interested in their children's lives. I hardly recall being told I'm loved or my parents inquiring about my activities. They do not show physical love, either.

I am 25 now, and it is still hard for me to deal with this, probably even more now because I'm out of the house. I do not have any close female friends, and I try so hard to get support from my mother. She's the one I try to go to when I need something, but I keep getting hurt because she's emotionally unavailable, and due to her own issues, is hardly able to handle anything but her own problems.

She and my stepfather are easily annoyed by my anxiety and depression and when they get angry at me, they are known to ignore me for a long time--currently they have been ignoring me for over a month over a comment I made that upset my mother and was heard second-hand by my father. I didn't think it was that bad. But it doesn't surprise me--they are very strange and spiteful.

So with no real female support, and no idea of who I would go to for that, especially a wiser female, I feel pretty lost. I am in the stage of life where I need a lot of advice, married a few years ago, a new homeowner, a young professional, someone that does indeed need guidance. I can't get it from my parents. They are very distant.

And because of this, I have no confidence to ask anyone else for support. If my own parents can't do it, who would want to take that burden on?

I can go more into detail if you have any questions. This, as I mentioned, is the kind of relationship I've had with my parents all my life. It's a shame, because as I've grown older I've realized how important family relationships are to me. However, I am being crushed as I'm learning they really (especially my mom) might not be able to give me what I need emotionally.

Where do I go for support? How do I cope with this and move on to a place where I can accept that she is my mother, but she cannot be there for me emotionally or when I need advice or have a concern? It's very difficult and confusing to be a daughter and you can't go to your mother for support.

It's hard for me to figure out who else would want to be that figure for me, especially when I'm often very emotional due to bipolar. Not everyone can deal with a person like that.

Who else do I go to, or who do I find to go to? Currently I have my therapist, I go to her twice a month, but I just wish I had someone I could call when I needed it. I'm not very close emotionally with any family members or friends.

I just feel lonely. It's hard to only have my husband to talk to. He doesn't open up or talk very easily, and I'd really like to be able to talk to a woman also.

Any advice on this?

Thank you.

-KAT

[winter4me]

I am now aging (60), but your post brings back so much that I still grapple with. Although my parents did not divorce, they also were emotionally unavailable and did not provide needed information to me or my brother. This was very confusing for many years because they were both well educated and had their own lives well organized. They just weren't "there". Over time, I learned that much of this had to do with a kind of underground passive-aggressive anger they had with each other. (no, we couldn't "see" it out loud, but there was "something wrong" though all "looked nice"---superficially.
Sometimes, my father acted out violently against me (only me until I left home...then my brother) but no one would believe that, the man was so kind, so mild in his relations with others...
I learned much later, my mother gave "great advice" and "listened" to friends of mine, and even cousins that I never was allowed to get to know.
In the end, I took care of my mother for 6yrs, my brother had taken his life, my father then died, and she had (a sudden discovery as my father covered for her) dementia.
I recommend you FIND a good strong, and Warm, female support, whether in a therapist (shop around for one who feels right), an older, trusted female (teacher/coach/the mother of a friend/mother in law if that works...) and that you get involved if you can in local community education (eg: cooking classes, household finance, etc---things I did not do because I was so confused and could not identify what was wrong for so long. Best to you! It sounds as though you, although hurt and feeling a bit lost, know what you need, which will make it easier to find what you do need.

[katgalaxy8606]

Thank you for your words, I appreciate it. I have been doing a lot of thinking this week. I have to find a way to get my needs met in other ways.

I just have a hard time grasping that my mother could love me but not be emotional.

[lsamson]

That sounds really tough Kat and I don't know if I can offer much advice but I just want you to know that my prayers are with you and I hope you are able to push through this