[Lennny]

Hi,

Well, my wife of 10 years isn't attracted to me sexually, and she doesn't want to be in a relationship of that kind. She told me this today. And neither would I want to - but I'm madly in love with her, and I don't want to lose her.
It's destroyed me. I can't imagine and wouldn't want a life without her as my partner. That might sound extreme, but this is my wife - it'd be like saying to someone you can't have your child any more, move on. Something like that. I don't know, we don't have kids, but I can imagine. I'm 38 btw.

But... well, she doesn't feel that way. She's told me so. We're currently living apart due to stresses and a breakdown she's gone through this year (though we email daily). This has been the situation for 6 months or something now, but I know she's felt this way before all of the troubles we've had this year.

We've spent a lot of our relationship together, like total best friends, hardly apart. Working together, everything.... 24/7 almost. I feel though that she now resents me for that, as if it was my choice to spend all this time together, but it's honestly been a matter of circumstances. Or she's just plain sick of me now. We've not had luck making true, honest friends.. neither of us was cut out for a regular 9-5 thing, so we've always been self-employed. I guess we're both a little 'different' to regular folk in that we do our own thing, are less mainstream than most; that's sort of what drew us together initially.
She's become very spiritual this year, heavily so. Not a religious thing, but she pretty much only reads self-help books, books on numerology or books on healing, reiki, etc. That's been hard for me (for us both) because she's sort of re-discovering herself really, and I'm like the regular guy here paying the bills and doing the 'boring' stuff. It's not that I'm not spiritual - she knows I am - but I feel it's consuming EVERYTHING she does and thinks now. But I know it's all that's helping her with where her heads at, so I know it's helping her hang on.

But We've not had a sexual relationship for a while now, maybe a year or so. I've wanted to, but I felt in my head that she was becoming less attracted to me, and saw me more as a friend so I felt really awkward around her like that. She's never really initiated it... as long as I can recall anyway. I think that's now a thought that's settled in her mind, and she realizes that's what I am to her. We hold hands kiss, hug, that stuff... sex just sort of stopped. I felt like I'd gained some weight so felt ugly, and when we have had sex, well, she'd find it painful sometimes ... I think cos she wasn't turned on by me.

I don't know what to do. I can't imagine a life without her. She's said or inferred over the last few months that if we ever broke up, she'd really want us to stay friends, but that really would destroy me. To see her move on, see other people, re-marry...? How am I supposed to move on without her when it's the last thing on earth I want?
I've suggested counseling, but she refuses. Not because she's against help, but she's had counseling in the past, and feels she's never been helped by it. And she says there's nothing a counselor could tell her that she doesn't already know, It's just not an option for her. basically she just isn't attracted to me in that way, that's the bottom line.

I've self harmed in the past. I think I would struggle if we weren't together any more. I know I would. I've attempted suicide in the past, and ... well, I've no fear over doing that. I'm in tears pretty much all/most of the day. I'm on meds for depression, but they just numb me rather than make my wife be attracted to me, so I don't really care what they're doing to be honest.

I don't know what to do. I'm lost. I'm afraid. I'm really lost to think that we won't be together.

[Jan1212]

It seems she has a lot on her mind still, and stress inhibits that, I don't think that it's because of you. I'm sorry I don't have any good advice. You're going through emotions and writing it out, that's a smartest thing to do. What do you use to do for enjoyment? It's hard but I want to say focus on you for now.

[Lennny]

Originally Posted by Jan1212

It seems she has a lot on her mind still, and stress inhibits that, I don't think that it's because of you. I'm sorry I don't have any good advice. You're going through emotions and writing it out, that's a smartest thing to do. What do you use to do for enjoyment? It's hard but I want to say focus on you for now.

Thanks for that. I do think yes, I need to focus entirely on myself for a while. That's hard as I live alone and am kinda cut off from the rest of the world it seems, but circumstances are going to be that way for a while really.

[Webgoji]

It's weird, but I seem to be seeing this more and more often when a couple reaches the mid to upper 30's. The husband is slowing down, his metabolism is crashing and hair is thinning. The wife hits her stride (called "the dirty 30's") and doesn't find her husband as attractive anymore.

You both need counseling, probably as a couple and individually. If she's not interested in a counselor as you say then you've reached an impasse. A relationship is about compromise, deal-making. When one member of the relationship won't compromise then there really isn't much of a relationship ... more of a dictatorship.

This is going to sound harsh, but it's the best I can do with this one side of the story.

1. Couples counseling is probably a must for you guys to continue.
2. If she's done with the relationship, she's done. Don't be friends afterward. That's just her torturing you and you don't need those childish games.
3. She's not worth harming yourself over. Even if this ends poorly, you can still go on and have a very happy and fulfilling life without her. In many ways, she's holding you back now.

[casurfer]

That's a bummer... I have had some of the some feelings as you about your wife not wanting to get with you. My situation isn't as bad as yours, I just want to be closer to my wife, and she doesn't need to be as physical, but we get together about once a week or so... My advice though is to figure out what it is she needs to feel loved by you and work on that. At the same time, you can nicely express what you need to her to be happy and ask her point blank if she'd be willing to do those things. If she says she isn't sure or doesn't know, then I think you should try to date other girls. If you're separated right now, then to me that's a green light to move forward... it may help you with your confidence. Also hit the gym, lose the weight... it will make you feel better about yourself which could totally help!

[Lennny]

Originally Posted by casurfer

That's a bummer... I have had some of the some feelings as you about your wife not wanting to get with you. My situation isn't as bad as yours, I just want to be closer to my wife, and she doesn't need to be as physical, but we get together about once a week or so... My advice though is to figure out what it is she needs to feel loved by you and work on that. At the same time, you can nicely express what you need to her to be happy and ask her point blank if she'd be willing to do those things. If she says she isn't sure or doesn't know, then I think you should try to date other girls. If you're separated right now, then to me that's a green light to move forward... it may help you with your confidence. Also hit the gym, lose the weight... it will make you feel better about yourself which could totally help!

I really don't want to be dating other people, I want to repair this marriage.