Last week we learned that my mother has pancreatic cancer. They just performed a procedure to help her rest peacefully but the cancer is non-operable and fatal. She is, as usual, in denial and believes she is in the hospital for gall stones.

Mom leaves me, as her executor, a HUGE mess to clean up. Her house is a mess. She has refused to clean it for years. She leaves me with an alcoholic brother who, when we sell her house, will have no where to go. He is uncooperative and impossible to deal with. I don't know what I'm going to do with him. I will be difficult to get him out of the house. He cares about no one but himself and is extremely difficult to reason with, if at all.

My mother was neglectful, emotionally controlling and cold, and verbally abusive. She will not be missed. But, years after the witch is gone, I will still be dealing with the problems she left behind in addition to those she gave me.

My c-PTSD is very, very bad today. But I have to drag myself to a cousin's house and to the hospital to visit mom. She comes home tomorrow. As usual, I have something planned for that day - my first visit with a new T. I have waited for this appointment for a month and don't want to reschedule it. As usual, Mom makes everything more difficult. I hate her.

[spondiferous]

I'm sorry you have to go through all this. I don't even really know what else to say. Hopefully you're able to get through this alright. Do you have other people who support you? It sounds like a crucial time right now, just getting started with a new T. I hope that works out for you and that it's a good match.

[Travelinglady]

So sorry, unguy. Certainly use your T to help with what you are and will be going through.

[(JD)]

Having gone through this with my own mother 4 years ago, let me give you advice you should follow:

Take care of yourself first.

If you put her and everyone and thing else first, you will burnout very quickly and still have the frustration and guilt and all that piled on.

Don't reschedule your new T appointment. Your mother can wait on leaving the hospital, or have an ambulance deliver her home if she is still able to make her own decisions.

Are you in the USA? If so, then you must have your mom sign a living trust, with you as Trustee. Otherwise, with just a will, things go through probate and the delay and expense is avoidable with a trust. You can go to SuzeOrman.com and download one for free. If you don't find it there, let me know and I can get you a copy fast. (In Florida you don't even have to legally file a Trust and it's legal..) you will need a notary for her signature.

Does your brother live at your mom's? Check with your mom's will lawyer (he should have Trust documents as well, but will charge you when you don't need to pay for them)... see if there is some way to give your brother notice now, before your mom passes...or if you can have your mom put something into the trust that removes him so you can sell the home?

I know this is a mess already, with guidance you will make it less of a mess.

GO SEE YOUR new Therapist! Good self care is very important right now, and you're needing support hon.

I'm concerned for you in this ... but care so PM me if you need more support to do what's best for YOU in the long run, okay?

sorry you have to go through this- you need to try and be strong for her.

i'll pray for you all if it helps

Originally Posted by (JD)

Having gone through this with my own mother 4 years ago, let me give you advice you should follow:

Take care of yourself first.

If you put her and everyone and thing else first, you will burnout very quickly and still have the frustration and guilt and all that piled on.

Don't reschedule your new T appointment. Your mother can wait on leaving the hospital, or have an ambulance deliver her home if she is still able to make her own decisions.

Are you in the USA? If so, then you must have your mom sign a living trust, with you as Trustee. Otherwise, with just a will, things go through probate and the delay and expense is avoidable with a trust. You can go to SuzeOrman.com and download one for free. If you don't find it there, let me know and I can get you a copy fast. (In Florida you don't even have to legally file a Trust and it's legal..) you will need a notary for her signature.

Does your brother live at your mom's? Check with your mom's will lawyer (he should have Trust documents as well, but will charge you when you don't need to pay for them)... see if there is some way to give your brother notice now, before your mom passes...or if you can have your mom put something into the trust that removes him so you can sell the home?

I know this is a mess already, with guidance you will make it less of a mess.

GO SEE YOUR new Therapist! Good self care is very important right now, and you're needing support hon.

I'm concerned for you in this ... but care so PM me if you need more support to do what's best for YOU in the long run, okay?

Thanks, JD. There are actually two trusts. The trust for the house has me as trustee. I am also executor of the will. There is a living will. There is a second trust for the care of my alcoholic middle brother; the trustee for that is my youngest brother. I don't know how that is going to work out because, currently, they are not getting along. I can work with my youngest brother to find the middle one an apartment until the house is emptied and sold and the trust for the alcoholic brother can be funded. Of course, I will have to clean out the house and take care of its sale. My alcoholic brother will put up a fight and I may have to change the locks to keep him out.

Two days ago, Mom announced that she would like to leave a generous amount to a cousin who is not mentioned in the will. To do this, I will have to deduct the amount from my share of the inheritance. (I doubt my brothers would consent to have it divided among all of our shares.)

It's crazy already and it's just starting. I will be taking a vacation afterwards. I'm going to need one.

[~Christina]

As Jd said make sure the paperwork is in order so that it will make things easier for you legally.

Keep your T appt and keep yourself healthy.

One thing you can look into is a progam that allows you to hire people to handle all the mess of getting her home ready to sell and how to remove your brother from the home.. Sounds cold maybe ? But I know someone who did this and it took most all the stress off of her. All she did was walk through the home and decide what she wanted to keep and a crew comes in and cleans the home and then its able to be placed on the market for sale.. Not sure what it cost her but she said it was worth every dime.

Good luck Im sorry your having to deal with all this .

[shezbut]

I am sorry to hear about your mom and the stressful position that you and your younger brother have been put into, as trustees. Definitely don't cancel or avoid going to your T appointment! You need that emotional release and setting your head straight for a bit. Non-negotiable.

I have been closely related to each of my elders caregiving, and have seen what a mess the trustee position can be. It can get very ugly unfortunately. I hope that you have a somewhat decent relationship with your siblings, and that you're able to work with one another to make this experience as smooth as possible. That is the toughest task.

I am very tired and will go to the hospital after my T appointment today. I am very, very tired. My alcoholic brother is and will be a huge problem through this difficult time. My mother is also difficult and I don't know how it's going to play out with her emotions. Mom lives by her emotions and they are unpredictable.

The appointment with my new T went well. I will see where it leads. I see her again next Tuesday.

Mom's stay in the hospital has been extended. I asked the MD to tell her the diagnosis by phone tonight. He will tell her tomorrow.

On Wednesday and Thursday, I will be cleaning the house with 1-2 friends. Relatives will be visiting her those days. On Friday, unless things change, I will be taking Mom home. She has asked for a home helper but that has to be approved by her MD. Hopefully, he will approve one.

[eskielover]

Ugh.....be very careful with home care people.....I ended up going through a horrible trauma with the home care person who manipulated her way into caring for my mother (a neighbor of my mother's BF & friend of his daughter)......I caught her having written checks out of my mother's check book & drugging my mother & trying to get her to sign the checks......she stole all my mother's valuable jewelry....as I couldn't be in the house when my mother came home from the hospital....this person graciously was there & all the jewelry vanished when I was going to put it safely away the next morning....it was all gone....along with my mother's wedding ring disappearing off her finger.....found of course by the home care person....who also found the checkbook that I was working with in the den....dropped behind the bed I was sleeping in.....caught her on the phone one morning giving out my mother's ID information along with mind (which was wrong)....I fought her for the phone & when I walked into the back bedroom with the phone trying to find out who she had been talking to (a CC company) the phone went dead....I found the phone chord to the base phone cut later that morning when I had a chance to look closer after she left. All these things left me with a really bad feeling about what was going on & I never left my mother alone at that point....but I was getting in the way of her goal because one morning when she was gone....got a phone call with her Caribbean accent claiming to be a social worker wanting to talk to my mother....I was listening to the conversation & it was about not allowing her daughter to control her finances & all about how family abuses people who aren't well....right after that, the police ended up at the door from found out from an anonymous call claiming I was abusing my mother.....which they found out wasn't true.....but it was after a whole morning of traumatic events. I had already talked to a bonded company the day before & had someone scheduled to come out....but this person had OD'ed my mother on her morphine while getting her ready to go to her DR's appointment & when I said there we were expecting a new care person to come....both my mom's BF & this home care person blew up while we were all trying to get my mother warmed up & stopped the shaking she was going through....called the paramedics & I used that chance to get my mother out of the house & get rid of the home care person while having my H change the locks on the doors.......it was am amazing nightmare I went through all in about 5 days....but it continued in the hospital & I ended up filing a report with the police...unfortunately I had done such a good job protecting my mother that they had no evidence to get her on.

Use a bonded home care provider if you get one for your mom.....it's much safer...I have heard of a lot of stealing that goes on with people who are dying of cancer & want to stay in their own homes.....my mother's home in reality couldn't handle her medical condition with the narrow doorways & the old toilets.......Sadly, my mother never should have come home that time......but there was a horrible mess with the hospital in that they never included me, the only family in any of the decision making processes & in reality, I'm sure that when my I fought her oncologist to have her put into the hospital that time the home care person got involved...I am sure my mother had a stroke the previous weekend from the bloodclots in her legs (when she said she lost her balance & slid down the door to the floor & couldn't get up....stupidly she called her BF to help her get up instead of 911.....but that was my mother's way of being in denial also......& her denial caused me so much trouble....I try NOT to be bitter about what she did & what I went through because of what she did...but it's really difficult even 8 years later when I actually stop to think about it again....at this time of year.....just added to any other PTSD issues I've had from the past.

Please be ware & be careful & always be a part of the decision making process even if she's still believed to be cognitively capable to make her own decisions