[Deepandnebulous37]

Hi, this is my second post on this site, but I wasn't sure where it fit. I'm basically going to let it all out because I'm not sure what else to do.

I'm friends with a girl from school, weve been friends for over a year now, weve both admitted in the past that we kind of like eachother, but also have admitted that our feelings change all the time... We hang out about twice a week- go for walks ect... All of this seems fine and dandy, except for one thing, she has a boyfriend...

I think sometimes I would like to date her, and was even so bold as to ask her out in the past... But truly I have regretted most of the advances ive ever made towards her... She treats me very well, always been a listening ear when I've been sad, and given hugs when I've needed them... But thats just it, I feel like if I was her boyfriend, I wouldnt feel comfortable with her having such a close relationship with somebody else. I think I'm driving myself into a brick wall, because I do like her... But the more we share while she is in a relationship... the more my trust in her dwindles... Its gotten to the point where I'm literally just unsure what to do... Sometimes I dont want to hang out with her... But I still do anyway, because I'm so afraid of hurting her feelings or having the whole thing crashing down... Should I just let come down anyway? I mean I want to do the right thing... Ideally I wouldnt like to hurt anyone... Sometimes this whole situation makes me so anxious that I cant even think straight about it...

I just feel that eventually, I'm going to let her down immensely... The alternative being, I just let this relationship take over my life and morality, and free will. Im so sensitive to hurting others that its honestly very very hard for me to do what I want or need sometimes... Its silly because the people who care about me, Im not afraid to let down, but those who could leave or hate me, I'm so scared to let down...

I know this goes back to my childhood. My dad basically abandoned me in so many words, he always claimed my mothers house was a hell hole and fought for me in court to live with him... But one day he just gave up and had me pack up my things and leave. I mean that really hurt, especially when on some of the following visitation weekends, he wouldn't even let me in the house if my mom showed up late... I mean Im just so afraid of people hating me again or shunning me... I just know, that I've put myself into this situation where I know I need out, but I see no peaceful way to leave... How do you tell someone you cant be friends with them any more? I honestly did try it before with her... And she was mad... and I couldnt deal with it... I broke down and called her and said I wanted to talk about it... But that didnt even help because here we are months later in the same situation... I just dont even want to hang out with her anymore though, besides her being in a relationship, I dont even know why... I just dont know how to justify that to someone though... And I understand that I can do what I need to, regardless of whether I have an explanation... But just being sure of myself is the hard part...

I know how dumb this post is... But idk what to do, this situation stresses me out way more than it should... But its not even the situation... Its just myself... I just dont even feel worth it... Every day, I feel less and less normal... Less and less like a likeable person... And it hurts to see myself deteriorate into some kind of creep... I'm only 19 but I'm getting older, I can see myself physically maturing and I guess I just thought by now in my life I would have been on top of things... I just see myself being that middle aged slob guy, who stays inside all day and is probably creepy as hell... I just feel like I'm becoming less and less attractive and more and more anxious and antisocial... I know its probably not true, but it sucks... Im sorry I know how ridiculous this sounds but I need to vent. I dont like the clothes I wear, I dont like my room, my car, my face... It sounds so shallow I know, but I just feel like I'm not a real person, just a fake guy living a fake life... I dont work out, I dont do any of that, I never thought I needed to, I'm relatively fit... But recently, I've just had this dog eat-dog mentality that makes the world seem so tough and me... so inadequate... I feel ill prepared... I'm an art student and I dont even know if I like art. Its so ridiculous because usually people do art because theyre taking a risk to do something they like lol. I'm like the other way around, I'd probably actually like to do something more practical and soul-crushing, but I'm doing art and I dont even feel good about it ehhh!

I havent been able to think clearly lately which is also a problem, I feel like my life is a dream sometimes... Sleeping and waking up are just one big blur to me... I wish I had a sense of identity... I know I'm too hard on myself and this is probably why the world seems like such a hard place... If the world was as deprecating as I am, I wouldn't blame myself for staying inside all the time... I used to feel like I had an identity, when I lived at my dads, I guess when I was there, I had my whole family.. I know my mom loves me and will never leave me... But I had the whole thing when I was there, I had my mom AND my dad, and not to mention my stepmom and stepdad, I was actually such a lucky kid to have such a large family... I actually moved back in with my dad at the beginning of college, and while living there I feel as if I made some huge steps forward in mental health, but once again... He asked me to leave... I'm still not sure why, he was fighting with my stepmom and me and her got into a small scuffle but it was nothing even huge.... Ever since I came back from there, my self esteem has dwindled, I feel like every day I lose more and more of my identity... I used to be able to meditate, but its so hard to focus my mind any more when it feels like oblivion.. I make it sound worse than it is... Because i have made small amounts of progress with meditation, but nothing like what happened when I was living where I had all of the support I needed...

Im just very sad i think... This girl is like, my only happiness. My closest relationship, even if the nature of it hurts me, I still grasp on like a parasite... Maybe I need to just learn to have some self esteem regardless of the circumstances... It hurts though when someone you really love asks you to leave... when a whole dimension of your life is suddenly shut down... blehh

Okay, listen, I know how terrible and whiny this post is... I know my problems pale in comparison to some of the people on here... I'm sorry if this post mocks you, this is not the intention... My whole life I've been asked to be strong, and I hope... via the internet, I can have my moment of weakness.

[Jan1212]

When I read that she has a boyfriend, you shouldn't try to make a move. She should either break up with her current boyfriend, or make it clear she doesn't want second love interest - you. It's not fair to you. not fair for her current BF. You need a girl that can give you all her attention, not split it with another boy. I think you need to put boundaries, between you and her because you'll need to do it with almost everyone you meet in the future. It's tough, emotion is complex. It's fine to hang out

I'm sorry what went on with your family in the past. At your age, it's normal to feel unsure about the future, I mean you've got love, career, moving out, money and independence in mind. It's a big leap. You haven't lived life yet, cause you're young so I don't think you know if you hate life (saying out of good intention). I'm older than you and I've been there. I hated life but I'm starting to love life. There's the bad, but there's the good. The very bad but the very good.