[nojoy]

I'm new to this type of forum, but I have to get some feedback on what I am feeling, I can't take feeling this way anymore. I am 45yrs old, was widowed at 32 and have 2 daughters that are grown and out of the house. I raised my children on my own since they were 9 years old, working 3 jobs, had a nice home and had a full life, friends, family and travel. I was in a relationship with someone for 6 years, never lived together though, but, we got along ok, he was younger than me, eventually the age gap showed and we went our separate ways but still remain very good friends and he still stays in touch with my daughters. About 5 years ago I met someone, my daughters were about to move out of the house for college and I decided to move away from my hometown to live with him. I came fairly large suburban area, and moved to a rural area 3 hours away. At first I liked it, looked forward to building a life here, excited about fixing up the house ect. Now,,I HATE it here. I am l am living in a house that needs so much work that is not getting done, I never invite friends or family I am so ashamed of it, my kids can't believe I am still here. I am in the middle of no where, it takes 1/2 to get anywhere that has a store bigger than a corner market. The people here do nothing and there is nothing to do.
My live in is a total slop and thinks a woman's place is in the kitchen, he does nothing to help around the house, he never finishes any thing he starts. I have no friends here, not real friends, just ones that I see once in awhile, I have one "friend" in the area I live, I only see her when I go there to have some wine. I don't find making friends here easy and I am an outgoing person by nature. I have tried but being so far from everything and everyone it is so difficult to make friends. We never go anywhere or do anything together, I haven't been away for a weekend with him or dinner or anything in years. I use to travel and go away and do things all the time with my family and friends, in fact I was never home, and I had kids at home. I don't have kids at home, I don't work 3 jobs and now and I do less than I ever did. The only time I go anywhere is when I go to visit back home, but, it is so difficult to come back here and I get so homesick afterwards I almost hate going back home. I miss my family, my friends, my life back home. At first I thought it was just me, having to get adjusted and all, but, I don't think that is it anymore. I don't want to do anything either, I am not a loner by nature but I have become one and it is making me miserable.
I work 45 min away from home and am going to school online. The only saving grace I have is my job, I love it. I go to work and I feel alive, I laugh, and enjoy it.

It seems like all I do is work and come home and do more work. I use to care about how my house looked, would get my nails done, go to the gym, go shopping, I don't do any of that now. This house is a crap hole and I can't stand it. I would never have let my children or myself live in something like this when I was on my own, why am I allowing myself to do it now? Why do I have less now living with someone, (who makes decent money and pays most the bills) and have and do less than ever before?
I have begun to realize that my live in and I really don't have much in common, but I still care about him, even love him, just not in love. I don't care about sex that much anymore, it has become more of an obligation to keep the peace. He gets an attitude and it has caused problems when I get very moody like that. It makes me feel like the only good I am around here is to lay down for him and cook and clean. I wasn't made that way.
Deep down I know what I have to do, and I know that it will cause hurtful feelings by leaving, and that is what is holding me back I guess
I feel like I made a commitment and I am giving up. I feel like I am dying inside, disconnected from everyone, even myself, i feel alone and isolated, sometimes I look around and think what am I doing here, I don't belong, I don't fit in. I have even thought I would rather be dead than spend the rest of my life here, although I would never do anything to myself.

I feel no joy in my life, I look forward to nothing. There have been times here that I have gone out drinking with some of the girls at work get hammered and not come home, stay at one of their houses, knowing it will cause problems and I don't care.

I'm sorry if my thoughts are all over the place, so much to get out I guess. My dream has turned into a nightmare.

[rubyred]

Your first obligation is to yourself. You are not responsible for the feelings of another person. If you must go, then start planning now. Make it your new project. If you love your job, perhaps you can live near the job, or else move back to your original home town. Or even go someplace completely new, that you've always wanted to see.

Sometimes it's better to just leave a note, and then go. Sometimes, it's the only way.

Life goes on, he will survive without you, and you will not survive if you stay there. So you must go.

[dexter]

yep I agree with ruby. i don't like giving concrete "advice" but it sounds like you already know what you want and need to do, and maybe you just need some reassurance that it is the right thing to do. If you can work it out beneficially with him that is great but don't let him make you feel guilty or change your mind.

You are worried about hurting his feelings. That is considerate. But he will get over it. Compare that to your own feelings. It sounds like you are in much more emotional pain right now than making a change will hurt him. Also consider that if you stay here you will likely be suffering for a long time. Once a change is made you will both adjust in a much shorter time.

Even if you are someone who always puts other's feelings ahead of your own, consider the magnitude of the hurt that you are expressing now. You should not ever sacrifice your happiness out of fear of hurting someone's feelings. Put it all on the scale for balance. It seems like your pain is very very weighty and you have to take that into consideration.

Good luck.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[nojoy]

You are right,,he will survive and I won't if i stay,, then again maybe he won't either, LOL,,,