[abagail44]

My sister is one of those women who never wants to marry or have a long term boyfriend. Nothing wrong with that, I know a lot of women are like that these days. She defines herself as a career woman, which again, is fine, but she has dated in the past and they've all broken her heart, really badly.

So I think she's a bit scared of being hurt so that is why she no longer tries.

But please help me understand the reasoning behind women like my sister. Even at my work place, there are many women who are single in their 40s and don't ever want to marry , have kids, or a companion. They do a lot of traveling around the world with their other GFs, and just concentrate on career. But sometimes it makes me think if they've been also heart broken in the past and have given up or if there is some other reason for this lifestyle.

Please help me understand these type of people?

[ECHOES]

What type is that?
She is an individual with her own desires and goals. She's stated what she wants and that's exactly what she's doing and what she's comfortable with. Her relationship with her bf is right where she wants it to be. What about that makes it seem as if she's afraid of being hurt, I'm wondering.

Being single is attractive to some people and not to others.
Can you think of benefits of being single and unencumbered?

[venusss]

One is complete person on their own. They do not need others to be complete. And some of us are married to their career pursuits. We feel we'd cheat one or the another if we went for both. So we chose.

How many men are willing to put up with women who are in work all the time and when they come home they talk about their work or want to be alone, because they been around people all day? Yeah, not many. So better than start a bound to fail relationship, it's better to just be a single.

And yeah, travelling the world, having fun, being free... unless you meet another individual who wants to be in such relationship and tolerate long time appart and like.... you have to chose.


I am single, I am plan to keep it that way and I don't see anything wrong with it.

[Perna]

The problem with the scared-of-being-hurt-no-longer-try theory is that our interests and needs have their own individual weights and if we want something, it does no good to give the "sour grapes" response and decide you aren't going to try. I did not get married until I was 39 years old but I obviously didn't stop trying even though it was a difficult process for me?

Your sister does not want to be in a relationship and married right now; that is all that can be known. We cannot know how we will feel in the future, what will happen and how it might affect us. It took me a really long time but I quit saying, "I would never do. . ." because, inevitably, the situation would rise where I had the opportunity and interest in doing whatever it was. If one has not had an experience, one cannot know how one would feel in that experience. It is like not liking a food you have never tried.

I would just accept and respect your sister's current interest in not marrying but not worry too much about how she will "turn out" in the future; she will or will not marry but it probably does not have a whole lot to do with a declaration made before she meets someone she would like to be with the rest of her life. I don't know anyone who meets someone they want to know or be with who says, "Sorry, back in 2011 I swore I did not want to ever hook up with anyone so I'm going to have to leave now. . ."

[venusss]

this is what my friend posted on FB some time ago:

When you're single, people ask about a boyfriend or girlfriend. When u have a fiancee, they ask about a wedding. When u get married, they ask when will u have a baby? When u have one, they ask when is the little brother or sister coming? When you have another one they ask, why you having all these children? When u get divorced, they ask why? If u moved on, they ask why so quickly? People will NEVER STOP ASKING & TALKING... if you're proud of who u are and u don't care about what people think about u, paste it on your wall because it's your life and u should decide how u live.

So can't we just be pro-choice when it comes to relationships?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by abagail44

My sister is one of those women who never wants to marry or have a long term boyfriend. Nothing wrong with that, I know a lot of women are like that these days. She defines herself as a career woman, which again, is fine, but she has dated in the past and they've all broken her heart, really badly.

So I think she's a bit scared of being hurt so that is why she no longer tries.

But please help me understand the reasoning behind women like my sister. Even at my work place, there are many women who are single in their 40s and don't ever want to marry , have kids, or a companion. They do a lot of traveling around the world with their other GFs, and just concentrate on career. But sometimes it makes me think if they've been also heart broken in the past and have given up or if there is some other reason for this lifestyle.

Please help me understand these type of people?

there are many reasons why a gal may not want to marry. those reasons dont necessarily have to be negative ones. I never wanted to marry. my reasons for it was up until this past year in NY there was no such thing as two gals getting married. I expected to live my life single and was happy to do so. then recently NY passed the gay marriage law. My partner and I took that leap along with many others this past summer.

i know people who just are not interested in having the typical marriage and family life style. they are comfortable with how their life is. they dont want nor need the responsibility of a relationship, raising children and all that comes with it to make them selves happy. they arent materialistic where they absolutely need other people and objects to fulfill their happiness. One person I know from back home in the mountains lives way back in the woods, grows their own food, tends their own animals ... the life of a hermit kind of style just because they can.

America is an amazing place where people can choose what kind of life they want including whether they want to spend their life pleasing other people or living the typical spouse, two point 5 kids a dog and a cat and a 9-5 job or live the kind of life you want even if you want to live single, no kids, single with kids, single no job, single and a job with flexible hours. traveling ... gosh here in america *anything* is possible.

i am one of "those women" (the room goes silent, mouths drop open after the initial gasp, eyes are open wide in either horror or another look previously undefined)

what's wrong with me? geez...my dr's could give you a whole list of stuff...asthma, kidneys, ptsd...etc.

but as far as why i don't need/want a mate right now..let's see...i travel to the places i want to. do the things i want when i get there. don't need to coordinate things with someone else. eat where i want. & oh god...i enjoy it.

i live alone. my house is my place. if it's clean (well it's a miracle) well that's ok, if not..that's ok too. if i have a great tv same, if not you get the idea..currently there is no tv. by choice.

i am comfortable by myself...i don't get lonely...i go out with people..so it's not that i sit home alone all the time..most days i am out enjoying the company of others...i would just as soon not bring them home. i enjoy having company over for dinners, etc..i love to cook for them.

so...what is there to understand? i am happy..this is the lifestyle i enjoy, i like. i don't question your lifestyle..should i ask if you are happy? etc. who is to say what is the norm, or who is right?

i have found my sense of peace. not everyone needs to get married, make babies etc. that certainly is something i could do but don;'t want too..

thuis life works for me (& i guess your sister too) so that is a good thing...my theory is let's not fix what ain't broke...there must be other things you can worry about.

[roads]

There is less of a stigma now than there used to be on women who don't marry. Not everywhere, but overall. I think many women are taking advantage of that. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with us, and being single doesn't mean no one's ever asked. We just have more options.

Sexual identity issues are more open now, and that's changed things for a lot of women too. I had a great aunt who married "to keep herself" she told me "from being lesbian." Those nightmares, we can hope, are mostly over. Ought to all be.

[abagail44]

Please don't get me wrong, I never said there is nothing wrong with not getting married. Thank you for the explanations and reasons, all are legit.

I too agree that these days you don't need a man or woman companion per what society says is the conventional way to do things.

She's done great in her career, well respected in her job, and she does make the time to travel and enjoy her life with her GFs.

I think I'm more worried since Im an older sister and I don't want her to be lonely, I think that's just a natural feeling for an older sibling. She doesnt mind dating and finding someone, but i don't think it's a top priority for her. She dated jerks and been hurt, so I feel like I need to protect her in some way sometimes, but she's a big girl and can take care of herself.

Maybe if she finds the right guy one day and it happens it happens, but if she's happy being single, then I'm happy for her too.

[kaliope]

I have been single for over nine years, havent dated or even really looked at another man. I could say I would be content to stay this way the rest of my life but I would also be open to the right kind of relationship if it came around. But the two long term relationships I have had were pretty bad.

I really like that I can cook (or not) when I feel like it. I can watch whatever I want on TV and there is no tv in the bed room. That I can rock myself to sleep at night. That I can leave my stuff lying about, that my space is mine. That I dont have to put somebody elses needs before my own. I can go to bed anytime I want to. that i only have to live life for myself.

it is very nice not to have to make decisions based on the needs of another in the home. everything is about me and my own happiness. after 20 years of living in fear of doing something that would displease my mate it is so cool to finally jsut be able to relax and do things my way. my life is very simple and uncomplicated now. i like it just fine this way.

[abagail44]

Originally Posted by kaliope

I have been single for over nine years, havent dated or even really looked at another man. I could say I would be content to stay this way the rest of my life but I would also be open to the right kind of relationship if it came around. But the two long term relationships I have had were pretty bad.

I really like that I can cook (or not) when I feel like it. I can watch whatever I want on TV and there is no tv in the bed room. That I can rock myself to sleep at night. That I can leave my stuff lying about, that my space is mine. That I dont have to put somebody elses needs before my own. I can go to bed anytime I want to. that i only have to live life for myself.

it is very nice not to have to make decisions based on the needs of another in the home. everything is about me and my own happiness. after 20 years of living in fear of doing something that would displease my mate it is so cool to finally jsut be able to relax and do things my way. my life is very simple and uncomplicated now. i like it just fine this way.

Kaliope - you sound more like my sister reading your post.
She also had some really bad relationships where the guys were big self centered jerks who basically wanted her to serve them. If I was in a relationship like that with every man I met I would be the same way.

My relationship with my husband is pretty free where I don't need his permission or do things and he doesn't expect me to serve him like a maid. My sister tells me I got it good because my type of relationship is rare. I don't know how the dating scene is these days but if that's the case, then that is really bad. I wouldn't give up my freedom to serve anyone too if that is what they wanted you to do.

[Daphne W.]

I think I know how your sister could get to such a spot in her life. I don't know her story, but here's mine.

My heart got broken at 22 - first love left town for just three months supposedly for business, we were not engaged but had an understanding. He returned with a red-headed West Texas fiancée in tow. No explanations no apologies. Again my heart got broken at 25 - reconnected with somebody I knew at age 19 when I was 25. We were going to get married. When the day came he said he decided to re-marry his ex-wife. I changed jobs just to break up my daily routine and forget him. I got involved with a guy at age 26 who said he broke up with the last girl because she was too dependent on him. Within a year he was complaining that I was too independent. After two years the only reason I kept him around was the great sex. I broke up with him at age 28. The men who came afterwards were just one kick in the teeth after another. Finally at age 31 I had had it up to here. I decided I wanted to go back to school, concentrate on my education, and get my MS. I got two of them actually. I had a tubal ligation at age 30 because I could no longer take the pill, did not want to risk pregnancy, and even more did not want to risk reproducing someone who would just be destined to feel the same pain I had up to that point.

From that point forward until age 38 I would find guys at work to hook up with for sex or an occasional evening out - it was easy, I'm an engineer and there are not that many women in my workplace, never have been. At age 38 premenopause hit and took away the only reason I had left for wanting a man around - a sex drive. Now at age 55 men are only good for home and auto repair as far as I can see.

Some background - I was always the ugly sister. When my two younger sisters married, nobody ever acted as though that was strange, or questioned my sexual orientation, or offered to set me up. I guess they actually LIKED their single male friends!

Again, not your sister's story, just mine. But I can see how somebody could get burned to the point that they just don't care anymore.