[wife22]

hi
I am 39,married with 3 kids,still waiting to feels happy....I know it is a cliche,but I feel lost and frustration grows day by day.I got married at 24,had our first kid at 25,meanwhile studied,took my exams ,got my MD,by 31 was accomplished as a professional and had 3 kids.Should be happy and proud ? Well,all the while I was loosing my identity as a woman,person,trying to adapt to new family.
See I live with my in -laws,always have,there are controling,my husband has to be in control of everything;what I do,where I go,whom I befriend.He has no idea I am signed to this site behind his back,which makes me feel guilty,but I need to talk ....otherwise I am going to break down seriously. sometimes I wonder what keeps me in this marriage other then kids:intimate life is frustrating(he takes,but does not give,),he and his family are in control of everything I do(despite I work and earn almost half the income),there are defining whom I should talk to as a friend, I do not have close girlfriend to unload,If I talk to colleague my H is jealous.He recently admitted that he will not go against his parents wishes to do something for me.Meanwhile I see my parents and brother once a year,there is no communications between them.
I should mention that I was anorectic when I married,and we had huge problems with my H and in-laws blaming my parents in trying to get rid of me,because "who else would marry anorectic". My newlywed life was a disaster-psychologically and intimately, I gave my H everything got nothing back,but his feeling of shame b/o my anorexia and his disappointment. I do understand him as a man,but ...I lost my first pregnancy,he did not even touch me,hug or console me,only thing I felt was his and his family's blame for loss.I did recover from my anorexia same day(strange,but miracle,something changed in me ).Still relationships never recover,I am still lonely,I have never been his priority as a person/woman.What kind of wife/woman would you feel you are ,when you feel his indifference to you as a woman, when even male instincts don't kick in,and when they do -he gets what he wants and turns away snoring...makes me feel like a call girl.It hurt:no trust,no communication,no sharing,control,no intimacy. I keep myself busy with work/kid/house chores not to think,but nights are hard.He is a good man,his parents are,they do love me in their own way,but why I do not feel happy?what is wrong with me?
Advise?
wife22

[gayleggg]

I honestly do not understand how you can live the life you are living and not have mental health issues. I'm glad you were able to over come you anorexia. That is awesome.

I'm not sure you are doing your children a favor by staying in this marriage. It is not a very good example of what married life should look like. I would give serious thought to leaving this marriage to save you sanity.

[wife22]

hi Gayleggg
the sentence in your post about "secret of health is to live in present" is what I am trying to do. My H is a good man,he supports his family,works hard,does not drink/smoke, I think does not cheat(definitely hope doesn't).I am trying to be what he wants me to be,but I can not change completely and I lost myself in the process.He admitted recently that I took too much on my shoulder:all kids related issues(from sleepless nights to homework and driving),housework,professional work,lately I had to assemble my son's racer car and trampoline so my H can present to son's birthday."I have the best Dad",my son said,but my husband did not even acknowledge the fact that he was asleep while I was assembling something which by instruction required 2 adult man,not even" hey, I was tired,I should have helped you".I am not saint, he is a good man,but I do want to feel woman,is it so much to ask. Why should I "feel" desired when stranger touches my fingers while passing a card?(I know he is interested,but he is still a stranger in the library),I did not expect to feel that,did not see it coming ,so I doubt I imagined.What is wrong with me that I do not feel my H wanteing to touch and feel me,to look into my eyes,to hold me. I know he is man,they do not show emotions,but I want to feel him turned on because of me,not because "nature's call",and not because I am wearing something seductive,but because it is me.I still have hope but do not expect much anymore,if it makes any sense.
I thought of divorce,sometimes I want to get out so badly that it hurts,I am tired walking on eggshells,because if i say something he will not like, there will be explosion,and at the end it will be my fault,I do not know how to behave.
He even said many time ,though in rage, to get out ,that he is tired of me. I do not know what keeps me with him,"selfdestruction trait" ha-ha...I think about kids,about fact that maybe he is not happy either and maybe we want the same thing ,but keep circling on different levels and can't get connected.
I don't know. I am confused,I need help. I would love to see psychologist,but can not afford without my H knowing. Come to think about it,this is the first time I am expressing my feelings .....