[mastercain]

I will be mentioning my sexual schedule several times as I am now at an ending point in my relationship and wish it were not the case – for me it is due to the complete lack of intimacy/her interest in me that I have been experiencing for quite some time now. I will refer to this feeling as sex and, when herein mentioned, we did follow through with full intercourse.

I was a single father of one and then met my [now] fiancee at my brother’s wedding. I was unemployed at the time. We hit it off right away and were hot and heavy for each other. I was contemplating that this woman would be the right partner for me for life. She then dropped the news that she was pregnant and I was ecstatic. I probably jumped the gun (only because of having two highlights of our life at one time) but proposed to her on the spot. A few months later we moved in together. One month later we entered a destructive phase of our relationship that has been ongoing since October of 2010 (it is now October 2013).

She phrased to me one night just a few days after my birthday that she wanted to go to a wedding. I said that’s great when is it. She told me and I said sure, what do I need to bring. She stopped me and said she was going to the wedding with another guy – her ex. I remained calm and told her I was not okay with that and did not understand why she would go with her ex instead of me. She explained it was because she was friends with him and all of his friends and that I would be unwelcome. I mentioned that any friends like that are probably not worth being friends. Since that day she has said that I do not respect her and I have vocalized the same.

We went through what I consider a half-*** relationship from that point – the trust and respect began to diminish. In an effort for employment I began my own financial planning practice – unfortunately the income was so low we hardly stayed afloat.

What was daily intimacy with wonderful sex turned into once a month. Once our daughter was born we had very little intimacy as is usually the case (at least in my life). We bought a house, with the help of her folks, in October of 2011 and had a one month period where we needed to move back in with each of our parents – she with hers and I with mine – due to the lease ending. We spoke once a week. I cleaned the entire house to ensure it would be a fit residence – no help, interaction, or stop in from her. On move in day she did not help at all as she had our six month old.

I was hoping the moving into the new house would be a fun filled romantic time in our life. It turned out to be anything but that. We did not even have sex until our 2nd month of being in the home. Unfortunately this routine did not improve. We had sex around Christmas, Valentine’s day, once in March (3 times in the first part of 2012) and then got into another dispute over the first birthday of our daughter and the third birthday for mine – they happen to have the exact same birthday.

The battle was over the fact that she was throwing a party and wanted to celebrate our child’s first. I mentioned I had two daughters and wanted to celebrate them both. We disagreed and it was a terrible party. We ‘made up’ a month later – makeup sex ensued. Unfortunately, I began to distance the two of us and put zero effort into our family – a fact she uses today as reason for a complete lack of intimacy. We did not have sex again until mid summer and then again on my birthday in October (where she apologized and thought we had truly made up). Five days later we were invited to her friend’s ‘new job party’. The ex was there (the one from the wedding bit). The event was the first time I had met him – I knew him through Facebook photos. I was not introduced. It was terribly awkward. After the fact I made no mention that I knew who he was. I closed my financial practice after receiving zero support from home and attempted a home based business. We did not have sex again until I got a new job in January of 2013. In March I felt something was off – she had Facebook messages to/from her ex around Christmas. She had left my folks’ house early with our youngest on Christmas Eve to go back to her parents. I noted the time of the online chat took place once she returned to her parent’s house on Christmas Eve. After confronting her about these events in Mar 2013 I told her I wanted to read her Facebook (I also, stupidly, suggested a mistress might be in order to satisfy my sexual appetite as I wanted her stance). She let me in after a two hour fight. I clicked the browser back button and low and behold she had deleted the conversation she had been having with her ‘ex who was a friend’ about the lunch date she swore to me she never went on (my friend saw her out with the guy and told me). Additionally she had been talking to another friend about seeking a lawyer and had actually contacted one.

Life has been terrible since this point. We ended up not having sex until a talk several months later. I felt we had truly made up at this point. We had a one hour venture where we were rushed in the morning before our kids woke up. We had a good night where I was just unable to perform more than once after a long day of work a few days later. She offered a quickie (that felt unpleasant because I hate being rushed) about a week later. We have had sex four times this year – the issue is so predominant in my mind I am now having trouble focusing on any other aspect of our relationship. From that point we went two weeks with only rejection and virtually no interaction – I took it in stride and did not push… until she told me we would be able to meet up on Thur for sex and then she did not follow through because she had a lot of work come through. I was relentless in trying to appeal to her to set the work to the side and stop ignoring me. She got pissed, then so did I. A few weeks later we went to my niece’s birthday party and she got mad at me for not pulling the kids out of Chuck ‘E Cheese twenty minutes sooner – that I was not listening to her. We had no sex on my birthday. We got into a pissing match on Tue (10/29) because she had a surprise appointment pop up from work.

We had some brief interaction on Thur where she had to ‘work’ (even though I noticed she was on Facebook again). We finally talked last night – where I was under the impression we would have the whole night to talk. I got home at 6, called her promptly, got no return call for an hour. She brought me Starbucks. She got home at 8 and went straight to work on her computer. By 8:30 I finally managed to say what I needed to and she just got pissed the way I said it. We put off talking until our daughter went to bed at 9:30. We talked about how she is still hung up on past issues and she views her work as looking out for the family (which I do as well since I think in the same manner). What bugs me is that she mentioned she could not/would not put me above work due to this fact. I mentioned that sex is a major issue. She has, in the past, told me to deal with it myself. I told her that is not an acceptable manner of dealing with my needs and that I did not think it fair that I should cater to her needs with no hope of having my needs fulfilled (which was the same route we attempted back in late August). Her summation was that she would try but that she would not have sex with me since she does not feel a connection. With this statement I certainly don’t feel a connection and am ready to tell her to pound sand - I am now ready to pull the plug as much as I don’t want to…

1) Our sex life is lacking. When we do have sex it is not open and we get to have intercourse and that is about it. She will not give oral. We do no mutual masturbation, etc. In general its pretty ****** sex when it does happen. She is aware of my stance and this may play into it based on what she mentioned to me last night.
2) She does not make time for us in her daily schedule. Without the time to build intimacy sex is not a possibility for either of us anyway.
3) I’m still bent out of shape about past issues. I have tried to get past these issues but the fear of infidelity (she swears she only went to lunch with the ex) has me gripped and wanted to just dump this relationship and move on.
4) I really want what we have to work but I cannot do it by myself. Aside from last nights assurance that she would try to make more time but would not have sex with me I feel that we have nothing.
5) I did everything in my power to shutup and just go to work today so I do not say something I will regret later. I told her this morning we need to talk either tonight or tomorrow morning and to leave our daughter at her folk’s house.
6) We have not gone on a date with just her and I since we moved in together. We go out a lot with the kids, family, etc.

Tried to schedule with a counselor (though I feel counseling is only a means to ending a relationship rather than fixing it) but she could not fit it in her schedule… So I am posting here. Some insight would be nice please. I’m super hurt and super bitter and not sure we have more than a few days left at this point. I could hold out and see where she goes with her ‘trying’ but it is the same old circular cycle that will end up right where we are now. How can we break this cycle????

[Rose3]

Would it be possible for you to go to your own personal counsellor at this point, since you've mentioned that she could not fit counselling into her schedule? Does she realize that your fears of infidelity result in your wanting to dump the relationship? In order for the two of you to go out together (without kids) - could arrangements be made for a babysitter or family to look after the kids for a few hours?

[Rose3]

Is there a way for each of you to consider what each of you want for the future? What kind of changes each of you want? What each of you appreciates about the other?