[Ivan4567]

I just got engaged to my girlfriend of 4 years. We are both in our 40s. We both love each other, and have had a "normal" sexual past history. She has said many times, convincingly, that sex with me is the best she has ever had. Over our time together, I have suggested on a number of occasions that we have sex in a risky place in public. Nearly all of the time, she comes up with a reason why she does not want to do it, such as being too scared to do it, even if it is obvious that we will not get caught (swimming pool at night, for example).

However, a few days ago, in a slightly tipsy state, she told me that she had done risky sex in public in the past with other guys. She named about 5 times she had done it, and I am guessing there are more. At least one of the incidents occurred only a few years before she met me. I am thinking that the only explanation is that she is not as sexually attracted to me as she was with the other guys she has been with. I cannot sleep, I am nauseous over this, and I am afraid to bring it up with her, since she would then perceive me as being insecure and will not tell me things in the future. Please help! How should I handle this?

Originally Posted by Ivan4567

I just got engaged to my girlfriend of 4 years. We are both in our 40s. We both love each other, and have had a "normal" sexual past history. She has said many times, convincingly, that sex with me is the best she has ever had. Over our time together, I have suggested on a number of occasions that we have sex in a risky place in public. Nearly all of the time, she comes up with a reason why she does not want to do it, such as being too scared to do it, even if it is obvious that we will not get caught (swimming pool at night, for example).

However, a few days ago, in a slightly tipsy state, she told me that she had done risky sex in public in the past with other guys. She named about 5 times she had done it, and I am guessing there are more. At least one of the incidents occurred only a few years before she met me. I am thinking that the only explanation is that she is not as sexually attracted to me as she was with the other guys she has been with. I cannot sleep, I am nauseous over this, and I am afraid to bring it up with her, since she would then perceive me as being insecure and will not tell me things in the future. Please help! How should I handle this?

I don't think it has anything to do with her being sexually attracted to you. more than likely, this happened in her younger days, and as we get older we mature and sometimes that means becoming more conservative sexually. Not that that's more mature or what not, I'm just saying people change as they grow older and sometimes they change in that way. Dont' take it personally but talk to her about it if it's really that important but frankly, if she's really that important to you, listen to her reasoning, and if it is a serious concern for her, I would find other ways to spice up your sex life and don't push the issue further. On the other hand, it may help to talk to her as maybe the issues can be resolved and she will change her mind.

Key point here, dont' take it personally. This has to do with having sex in a risky place, in no way can I see that as being a reflection of how sexually attracted she is to you.

[Heather11]

I would try to let this go. Having sex in a risky place doesn't mean it was good sex and if she's telling you that it's good with you, accept it. I've always had issues with my boyfriend's sexual past but people are in different places in different times of their lives and what thrills them and makes them happy at one point in time isn't what makes them happy and fulfilled in another. Sometimes that "risky", or experimental stuff just gets overblown. Be happy where you are with her now.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Ivan4567

I am thinking that the only explanation is that she is not as sexually attracted to me as she was with the other guys she has been with.

Whoa! Why are you putting yourself down like that? I can think of 3-4 other reasons/explanations.

It is not about sex at all but about risk taking (not about you at all but about her).

She had a bad experience (got caught when there was no way she could be :-)

She is older and has changed her mind about some of her past behaviors.

She did not enjoy doing those behaviors but felt forced to but trusts you and knows you will not force her (or leave her; the old high school "have sex with me or we're through"/"If you loved me you would have sex with me" arguments)

[Rayleigh22]

I understand completely the need to have new and exciting sexual experiences. But, there are so many other things that the two of you could do to...spice things up that don't make one or the other of you uncomfortable.
One thing that my fiance and I have started doing recently is writing erotic stories for or about one another, or simply about fantasies... it's difficult sometimes to put wants or needs into words when speaking. I find writing to be very helpful and it can ignite all sorts of new and fun ideas.
Risky sex can be exhilarating, but you can create that same feeling by introducing new things into your sex life, even if it's something as simple as a blindfold or a little extra time taken to do not so typical warm ups during foreplay, If she isn't comfortable with the idea of public sex now then it won't be fun for her so why push,you know?

[eskielover]

As we mature.....so does our behavior.....that has nothing to do with level of attraction....it has to do with being comfortable & the fact that there is no reason to need that kind of thrill.....it should be more about REAL feelings for the person which is better expressed in the privacy of home when it comes to the very intimate times together.

[healingme4me]

Doesn't sound like she not attracted to you, but as you mentioned, too scared to do that in a public place. Most places, you can be arrested, if caught. Maybe, she's more career orientated, at this point, and the thought of being arrested, is deterrent enough, when one reaches their 40's?

Guess, the question is, why just because she doesn't want to do it 'there', have to do with whether she wants to be with you, at all?

Maybe, being in the same places as past lovers, is something she just doesn't want to do?

Is there, a reason, you find it necessary to keep bringing up, to her, risky locations?

[Angel of Bedlam]

People grow up and their sexual desires change. If this is a deal breaker for you, then make that clear. If not, it's maybe time to let it go. I know for me a huge turn off is to feel as though I'm being pushed to do something I don't want to do. Maybe try asking about some of her desires and see if you could work yout way up to yours. Just an idea. Also, just because she's done it with others does not mean she is not sexually attracted to you. That's crazy talk silly!!!

Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk

[ididwhat?]

Talk to her about it. W/o blame, accusation, judgement... Maybe tell what you'd like to do, you and her... in public.
Or, maybe... discreetly make a move when you're with her in a public place... I dunno.
Tell her what you like, what you need... Ask her the same. And listen. Hopefully, she does too... listen, that is.

It doesn't sound like she's said, "absolutely not"... yet... right? You could ask her why she tells you about the other guys..?

People who love each other ought to be able to talk about ANYthing w/a goal of understanding. Very tough, tho... An ongoing challenge.

[eskielover]

Maybe you need to ask yourself WHY you feel the need to be intimate with your GF/fiance in a public place rather than keeping your intimate feelings in a private intimate setting.....what thrill are you looking for & does it really have anything about caring about her or is it just about your feelings?