[pammie]

My sister has been in a bad marriage for 15+ years. Her husband is emotionally unavailable and emotionally abusive. I have been listening to her problems about this guy for 15 years and have urged her to leave him on many occasions. They have 2 school aged kids and that has been her reason for staying. Also feels her particular faith binds her to the marriage. She has a great job and makes more money than her husband.

Over the last several months, with the help of her therapist, she decided to give her husband an ultimatum--either get help or she was leaving. I listened to all this and was proud of her for finally doing SOMETHING! She said she would give him the ultimatum when she finished a project she was working on for her business that was time consuming.

Next thing I know, she tells me hubby is being much nicer to her and the kids, trying hard to please her. ( because he knows he was on the verge of a separation ). I told her he changed due to the threat to his current lifestyle and not for any deeper reasons. All of a sudden, my sisters response to me when I ask about the relationship is I don't want to talk about it. " I refuse to talk about it " I ask, What happen to your plan of just a few weeks ago? She won't discuss it.

My beef is as a concerned sister who listened to this woman cry, complain and ask advice for 15 yrs, that now I am being asked not to bring up the topic because she doesn't want to discuss it. As a sister, I am very emotionally invested in the whole mess--15 years is a long time. I told my sister that my feeling are very hurt that now she shut me out because she made this choice. I know that just because she is my sister doesn't mean her life is any of my business but I feel very used. I'm good enough when there is a problem or she needs comfort but otherwise, bug off!

Can someone help me to validate these feelings toward my sister? Am I over reacting? I really do feel hurt and used and next time she has a problem with this guy, I really don't think I will want to talk about it! I need to get over it but I must try to understand my feelings first. Thanks in advance.

[Rhapsody]

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pammie said:
My beef is as a concerned sister who listened to this woman cry, complain and ask advice for 15 yrs, that now I am being asked not to bring up the topic because she doesn't want to discuss it. As a sister, I am very emotionally invested in the whole mess--15 years is a long time. I told my sister that my feeling are very hurt that now she shut me out because she made this choice. I know that just because she is my sister doesn't mean her life is any of my business but I feel very used. I'm good enough when there is a problem or she needs comfort but otherwise, bug off!

Can someone help me to validate these feelings toward my sister? Am I over reacting? I really do feel hurt and used and next time she has a problem with this guy, I really don't think I will want to talk about it! I need to get over it but I must try to understand my feelings first. Thanks in advance.

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Please know that most FEMALES need to VENT / TALK about their problems as a release..... to try and solve that which is broken, and at the moment the situation seems to be OK, therefore, she is not needing to talk / vent about the matter that was once so complex that she needed a FRIEND to lean on and to understand her from her POV..... and that friend was YOU.

Hang in there and do not give up or get angry if she needs to talk again, for she just might.
Your sister still needs you - just in a different way now..... try and be HAPPY for HER.


LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

[FaithisAlive]

I agree with Rhapsody..she feels like its okay right now.. and she is going to hang on to any thread of hope she gets.. even if its false hope driven by her ultimatum to him.

Hang in there. she is likely going to need you again before too long if this guy is that bad. And I must add that her "faith" shouldn't be her reason for staying in an abusive relationship. The bible teaches that a man should love his wife as Christ loves His church.It also teaches that 2 people should not be unequally yolked.. which they seem to be.

Stay strong.. try not to worry.. she wil need you again.. and being the good sister you are i am sure you will be there for her. I know it hurts to be shut out like this.. but she isn't trying to hurt you ...

[Jenn1fer82]

I have been going through the exact situation with my bestfriend of over 10 years. She's also married with a 3 year old child and another one on the way.

I've always been the friend that she could call to have someone to lean on but after some time I could only hear so much of it especially when time after time no matter how much she saids she doesn't want to put up with it anymore, she some hows give the marriage another chance.

I was just as upset like how you are with your sister but now I've realized that all I could ever do for her is to simply listen.

There are some people out there who knows exactly what is that they need to do and have been given the best advices possible but what they need the most is to simply be heard and understood.

It is hard to stand by someone you love so much settle for less and hoping for something that might not even be available but instead of judging them, you could simply be there for them by listening to them.

Their mind is so clutter of all the things they should do for the family and children and that is when they lose their own voice so by listening to them and allowing them to be heard will help them to finally hear their own voice and strength.

You must try to have paitent and and love and care from a distance. It took me alot of time to accept this.

[Perna]

I don't think we can ever get into anyone else's marriage. My stepsister had your sister's marriage for 40 years (4 children)! Lots of us told her to leave him and she would not. He finally died and she remarried another college boyfriend, this one wonderful (both in their mid-60's). It's your sister's life and she's going to live it how she lives it no matter what anyone else's input. I wouldn't take what happens to her personally. Her husband might grow up/mature and get his act together or might not but it's not your problem.

[pammie]

Thanks everyone, for your thoughtful replies. Lending an ear to my sister for 15+ years gave me the feeling that I was entitled to information about her life. Even though my feelings were hurt and I felt used by her, it truly is none of my business. I will graciously "butt out" now. You are all very wise peolpe and I'm glad I posted.