Just a $h1t ton of YEAH over here...

Came here tonight weepy-cry-sad, interspersed with sprink-ly bits of anger, then gloom after attempting to google:

"when people tell you you're depressed." My boss did this to me today when I was having a conversation with him about a potential new-hire. He thought I was being *really* stubborn with how I viewed this person's lack of professionalism. He then (out-of-nowhere) said:

"See? Look at you. It's obvious how depressed you are! I guess it's a good thing you don't drink--- I mean-- mixed with your depression-- drinking would just make you a miserably stubborn drunk--- or worse yet-- a sloppy drunk-- and goodness knows we don't need sloppy around here."

I will say that I am proud of myself for pressing him to answer me as to WHY he thought I was depressed-- or what made him think that--- to which he could not answer. I didn't even touch the "drinking" thing. At that point I was so angry I walked out of his office-mumbling that I needed to finish paperwork. See what happens when people know a little bit of your personal information and use it against you? HE KNOWS that I do not talk to my family because they are abusive alcoholics. He knows that I DO NOT DRINK. He knows that I am a very hard, reliable worker. Some people would say "oh, don't let that get to you-- he was just pushing your buttons." But you know what-- that crap is highly uncalled for-- and the reason why people like you and me are here trying to find "happy" and "nice" and "cheery" in a world full of miserable jerks. And....

Somehow, I wound up here. Then this place made me mad. Seriously-- I just wanted to talk to SOMEONE-- ANYONE. ABOUT ANYTHING. The registration process made me angry-- seriously? They expect anyone who's already under duress to answer Freud, Jung, John Adams, 1976-- which that crap kept timing out... Was that their first test? I thought this was a "friendly forum" with chats rooms for my mind to wander aimlessly for a change among other uber creative and introspective people-- and somehow I already feel like a guinea pig.

I have a great displeasure for therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists. (I think, in total, I've had 13 or so since I was about 8 years old.) My current therapist and psychiatrist have only lasted because I "gave in" and play their game--- where as long as I make them laugh and entertain them with my wit and cynicism every time I go into their office (along with give them advice on whether or not they did "the right thing" when it came to grounding their teenager before prom--) life's just peachy. Oh yeah-- and as long as I rattle off numbers below 5 on a scale of 1-10, they don't give me any lectures on how I should try to reduce my anxiety/ depression etc.

If you look at my profile "issues" you'll see more than just depression, anxiety, adhd... but feel blessed-- with the anonymity that online profiles grant-- y'all are the only ones who have ever heard me say boo about childhood or my issues with food. Not really inclined to go into any of it at great length. Those are my two secrets that I have always protected at all costs. Though it would be nice to meet another 31 year old (or there abouts) who, like me, cannot physically have children because of the severity of childhood abuses. For a commiserate fest I suppose-- but just someone who understands how aggravating it is to put on a smile and crochet "baby" things for all your friends who are having kids and rubbing it in your face on social media by posting photos of their EPT tests. *gag*. And how you have to be the "bigger" person and not say anything that would ruin "their moment" and they're just left to believe that you hate children because it's easier to portray life that way than EVER admit to the real reason why you'll never have kids and why every guy you've dated has accused you of being an incomplete woman. (But that's still better than whatever other cruel thing they could muster up in an argument if THEY knew the truth.)

I've overcome many things/ threats/ emotional ratchet straps, rid myself of those people who call me their friend b/c they needed someone to take care of them/ be their servant, ex-communicated myself [permanently] from all members of my biological family (they're not "good people"), recovered from organizational politics, and quit smoking March of 2012. I Started running everyday-- anywhere from 30 mins to an hour. (Sluggish days I just walk an hour).

Depression? Anxiety? ADHD? A whole happy combo-meal? Yes. I'll be so anxious I'm stagnant-- pondering the inhumanity of the world in nylon carpet fibers whose VOC's are slowly killing us all thinking about the wastefulness of society that's feeding ye old seven deadly's while being sold on sustainable "marketing" tactics that make people think they're being economically resourceful--- saving water by using disposable plates that are 50% reduced plastic. By 8 am everyday I have gone through "working out" the angry anxiety with my run, but then undergo a showering catharsis as I sob while getting dressed-- the depressive feeling that takes over my chest that I just can't shake. My ADHD kicks in- and even though I got up at 5:30am-- SOMEHOW I cannot get out of the house before 10:45am because I do confused laps-- remembering each and every chore-- not in order of course-- that I want to do--- or thought about doing but then started something else. AND of course I *must* turn right-side-out and color sort my dirty laundry in the appropriate bin, fill my water bottles, wash out the sink, clean the shower--- hmmm, guess there's some ocd perfectionist tendencies mixed in there.

So I'm trying. I'm on meds but I think I need something stronger-- but I don't want to feel zombie. I like feeling-- just not feeling bad. I often get upset that I can't just be happy. Why the heck do I cry? Wow! Look at that-- I can cry because I'm crying-- how wretchedly pathetic. People have let me down- like the people you PAY to educate and mentor you. I am very disappointed in myself that I am struggling to do/ finish a master's thesis.

Statement of facts now-- not intended to illicit sympathy or any of that nonsense-- I am an only child-- I don't know necessarily how to interact with others/ how to trust/ how to ask for help. These are problems. I'm normally the one who jumps in and helps others (this does not behoove me as it becomes a distraction from things I need to do for myself). I am an introvert. I have not spent a Holiday with people (I have no friends-- that's not meant to be sad-- it's a statement of fact now) in probably 7+ years. So I'm not lonely-- but I'm afraid that SOMEDAY I might regret that I didn't try to be more social?? (Does that make sense?)

I've been in many relationships-- and was even married (for an incredibly brief time of 6 months nearly a decade ago). I guess it would be nice to talk to like-minded people who have similar pasts, who have always taken care of themselves, enjoy being alone, and don't look to anyone for approval. BUT!! That need that same like-minded person to tell them everything is going to be OK and that they *truly* understand and empathize ('cause the voice in my own head just doesn't cut it anymore.) Anyone else in my life just wants me to tell them my "stories" because it makes them laugh. The terrible scenarios and quirky situations I find myself in I often retell in a cynical humor with well placed punchlines. But at the end of the day, those things actually really hurt me, and those people laughing don't know how to comfort.

Welcome sbonnie40,
That was beautifully written. There are others here with similar backgrounds as yours. Look around on the different forums. Im glad you found PC.