[SlowlyISigh]

Hello everyone. It's been a while...six months, it seems. I'm not sure if the same people are here anymore, or if anyone remembers me, but basically I just wanna say first that the issue I was having before is resolved. I'm safe now, away from negative influences, and trying to build my life over again. Staying with my aunt, getting to know a side of my family I never knew. We had a pretty good holiday, it's just too bad that my mind had to be burdened again. It always is, it seems, with just about everything under the sun. I'm going to therapy now, but once a week doesn't seem to be nearly enough for me. Of all the things going on in my head, I just had to log on again and talk about one in particular, one I consider as the least important (at least, it should be) yet it's been bothering me for hours everyday.

I just can't seem to get my social situation in check. It's only gotten worse, to the point that I've been wanting to come back here for MONTHS. Its like I feel detatched from every single person in this world, save my best friend. And sometimes, even with her I have no energy. Again, things I've brought up with the therapist but have no solution to, other than that I might have adjustment disorder, which actually makes a good deal of sense. Anyway. When I'm faced with the prospect of so much as talking to someone else, I get nervous, don't know what to say, or am in general just disinterested and bored right off the bat. I don't know what happened. I used to be SO outgoing online and eager to meet new people. Now I don't know how to act, how to be myself since I don't know who that is anymore. This is hindering me from just about everything I want to do, and it's deeply concerning.

Combined with that, and on a level far more intense and bothersome, is my attitude and issues with men. Now, to any men reading this, please don't get offended. I realize that not all men are bad, that even with the situations I've been in that drove me crazy with guys, they have their good sides, that I misjudge people on a regular basis. That's the problem, in fact. I REALIZE a lot of the misconceptions and unneccesary grudges I hold, yet I can't do anything about it when these feelings come over me. Deep in my heart, I still want a guy. At least, I think so. I'm not even sure of THAT anymore. All I know is, when I see a couple so much as holding hands, I wonder what I did to make it so I don't even deserve that little gesture of affection, which I could really use lately. One thing I'm certain of is that a lot of my issues truly started with my mother's boyfriend. He talked about women being submissive, to the point of doing whatever a man said, and my mother indeed followed suit with that like a fool. Definitely a reason why I despise weak women like her who make things harder for the rest of us to look respectable. I let the generally outdated chauvinistic statements get to me, like women should be quiet, pretty, never argue back or stomp their feet, blah blah blah.

I am a firm believer in equality, that both parties should respect each other, that it shouldn't be about who dominates who, just about being supportive and helping each other, using the raw facts as to who's capable of making and contributing to decisions instead of just a person's gender. I want someone who will share my ideas but also help me to grow, someone who will be kind and supportive and not push me to change. Especially since it seems guys have so many issues of their own. And yes I know, women do. But what do men get? An excuse. "Oh, that's just how guys are." I HATE that. It seems like they get justification for everything they do, while women are just this and that and have to improve, while guys get to take their sweet time. And lately, I am NOT for dealing with people's issues, I've had enough of that my entire life. So if some guy wants to try and be a know it all with me, yet act like he can't even work on himself or that it's somehow IMPOSSIBLE, no thank you. Discarded without another thought. I'd just feel a lot about it if everyone wasn't so quick to excuse something a guy does versus a woman.

That's another issue. When I said I'd discard that person without another thought, that pretty much goes for everyone who irritates me in the slightest way. Lately, the only type of guy I seem to attract is the kind that'll fall for anyone and cling to them as if they were glued by the hip from the day they met, then will turn right around and do it to someone else. I've seen this several times and it's really quite frustrating. Not only are these guys acting overly cute, which is what they think it is but I just call it immature, but they don't make me feel special AT ALL because I'm just someone to sate their attention since they're lonely. In short, I can't stand them. What's worse, no matter WHAT kind of guy I think of, it seems to annoy me or not be good enough. I'm constantly overwhelmed by the thought that I'm not good enough for the kind of guy I want: at least decently attractive, kind, funny, etc. and will have to settle for someone who won't even make me happy just to have someone. I don't know why. Yesterday, I got checked out by a group of really cute guys, and that honestly made me feel better about that part. But, say one of them were to actually approach me (HAHAHAHAHA). Would I just push them away, putting all of the stereotypes that I already realize may not and probably don't apply onto them? Would I snap at them the moment they make a mistake? The answer, right now? Probably...yes.

Sometimes, like today, which should be a happy day, this tears me apart inside. I don't want to and WON'T be taken advantage of, treated as less, like my opinion doesn't matter, etc. just because of my anatomical makeup. I will be treated as an equal, or else I'll gladly go to my grave single. But...if there is someone out there who's willing to be that for me, even with their own baggage, I want to be receptive to that. I don't want to feel numb and uncertain forever, wondering what I could've missed out on, feeling insecure and bitter and jealous for the rest of my life, which will surely be shortened if I'm always carrying that with me. As stated before, I am going to therapy for all of my issues, but so far it's not doing much help. Nothing is. Not the statements of "You'll find him one day, this is this way, that isn't as bad as it seems, no one really says that anymore," etc. etc. It's like I'm incureable. Any perspectives or personal experiences would perhaps be helpful, and again, please realize that I'm not talking about all men, only the ones that actually fit the molds I described. And please, don't give me any advice that has to do with a "woman's place". I'm a Christian, but I've been put down enough just to be stuck in some mold forever, so I don't buy into that. I'm sorry, I just don't and I won't. And if me simply wanting to be seen as equal, to not let someone lord over me as if they're any better than me solely because of their anatomical makeup, well, I guess I'll be taking that walk into twilight alone, after all. And, it's probably a little late to say this after my bleak message, but Happy Thanksgiving.

[manwithnofriends]

You can be independent and still have friends, even male ones Yeah I know pretty ironic eh?

[SlowlyISigh]

I do have friends, including male ones. They're not the problem here. Right now, I'm having trouble connecting with ANYONE. My problem with independence or simply not being demeaned was in an actual relationship with a potential boyfriend.

[healingme4me]

How long was it, since your last relationship, and how long were you involved with him?
You were raised, in an environment that taught submission by women to men. That's a tough one, to work through, even, if you knew it was wrong for you, on an intellectual level.

You mentioned, feeling like you'd be in the twilight zone, if you ever were in a relationship, like the one you've just described as needing and wanting; yes! Precisely, it would be out of your comfort zone, as it's not what you've been accustomed to.

I'd say, keep exploring all of this, in therapy. My T, once suggested discovering my 'needs.' I feel, I really need to go find the place that I found this list, and link it to my profile(if that's even allowed), it was a tough but useful find. And it helped me, see what my needs really are, so that I can articulate them, not just romantically, but in all areas of my life.

My impression, it may, still, be too soon. Hence, the frustration.

Originally Posted by SlowlyISigh

I am a firm believer in equality, that both parties should respect each other, that it shouldn't be about who dominates who, just about being supportive and helping each other, using the raw facts as to who's capable of making and contributing to decisions instead of just a person's gender. I want someone who will share my ideas but also help me to grow, someone who will be kind and supportive and not push me to change.

And lately, I am NOT for dealing with people's issues, I've had enough of that my entire life. So if some guy wants to try and be a know it all with me, yet act like he can't even work on himself or that it's somehow IMPOSSIBLE, no thank you.

Lately, the only type of guy I seem to attract is the kind that'll fall for anyone and cling to them as if they were glued by the hip from the day they met,

I just call it immature, but they don't make me feel special AT ALL because I'm just someone to sate their attention since they're lonely. In short, I can't stand them.

I'm constantly overwhelmed by the thought that I'm not good enough for the kind of guy I want: at least decently attractive, kind, funny, etc. and will have to settle for someone who won't even make me happy just to have someone.

. I don't want to and WON'T be taken advantage of, treated as less, like my opinion doesn't matter, etc. just because of my anatomical makeup. I will be treated as an equal, or else I'll gladly go to my grave single. But...if there is someone out there who's willing to be that for me, even with their own baggage, I want to be receptive to that.

As stated before, I am going to therapy for all of my issues, but so far it's not doing much help. Nothing is. Not the statements of "You'll find him one day, this is this way, that isn't as bad as it seems, no one really says that anymore," etc. etc. It's like I'm incureable. Any perspectives or personal experiences would perhaps be helpful, and again, please realize that I'm not talking about all men, only the ones that actually fit the molds I described. And please, don't give me any advice that has to do with a "woman's place". I'm a Christian, but I've been put down enough just to be stuck in some mold forever, so I don't buy into that. I'm sorry, I just don't and I won't. And if me simply wanting to be seen as equal, to not let someone lord over me as if they're any better than me solely because of their anatomical makeup, well, I guess I'll be taking that walk into twilight alone, after all. And, it's probably a little late to say this after my bleak message, but Happy Thanksgiving.

[SlowlyISigh]

How long was it, since your last relationship, and how long were you involved with him?
You were raised, in an environment that taught submission by women to men. That's a tough one, to work through, even, if you knew it was wrong for you, on an intellectual level.

You mentioned, feeling like you'd be in the twilight zone, if you ever were in a relationship, like the one you've just described as needing and wanting; yes! Precisely, it would be out of your comfort zone, as it's not what you've been accustomed to.

I'd say, keep exploring all of this, in therapy. My T, once suggested discovering my 'needs.' I feel, I really need to go find the place that I found this list, and link it to my profile(if that's even allowed), it was a tough but useful find. And it helped me, see what my needs really are, so that I can articulate them, not just romantically, but in all areas of my life.

My impression, it may, still, be too soon. Hence, the frustration.

My last relationship was probably about...a year ago or so. All I've had is online relationships; never been on a first date or been asked out, I haven't even been called pretty to my face by a guy my age. We were together for several months, though much of that time was gone. I'm thinking that wasn't a relationship at all, more like me being catfished. He wouldn't show me his photo, made all sorts of excuses that made sense but were rather far-fetched, and much of the time we talked, he only wanted to cyber. After that, I was friends with a guy where there was supposedly a mutual attraction. Things got bad between us but I keep trying to make up for it, but in the end he just completely cut me off and is dating someone else. I realize that women can be just as bad, that it's not just men, but in general men are so abrasive and controlling and I can't stand it. Two examples. The other day, one of my cousins was yelling at his wife, telling her to get out, and the door to their bedroom was dented. Needless to say, that brought up some bad memories. And today, my uncle and aunt were arguing over something extremely petty and he ended up pulling out the whole "this isn't your house it's mine" statement. Frankly, if someone said that to me at this point in time, someone would end up getting severely hurt. I'm so tired of being demeaned, of women being demeaned just because of their body parts and some stupid scripture that people take and run with just so they can feel dominant. As much as I'd love to have someone, I'm beginning to think that it'll never be right for me. There are SO many problems I have with the way things are, between husbands and wives, between parents and children, like how my mom would call me a ***** for the simplest things and get an attitude with me but I couldn't do the same...it's just all bullcrap. And my aunt says that I should EXPECT these things, that people "get frustrated". Umm, this was simply over groceries, can I not at least try to find someone with, oh I don't know, an even and sane temper? I have different ideals that I'm sure no one will share with me, and that'll end up in all sorts of chaos. And I don't want to give up my independence; I can't. It's all I have, it's all that's gotten me through, and I won't have anyone pulling me down and rehashing what I've been through. I'd rather just be alone. But...thank you. Thankfully, I'm going to therapy again in two days. I really need it. I'll mention this to them, as well as the part about my needs, and try to find some resources on that myself. I'm just afraid that my needs are too much for the rest of this world. I feel so alienated from everyone.

[healingme4me]

You sound like you are just surrounded by some real bad examples of couples.

I'm an independent woman, myself. G-d fearing, and all..

The only time, I walked barefoot and pregnant, in the kitchen, was to crack a joke.

Good luck, with your next session

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