Boyfriend break, please help.

Hey everyone. Just on this past Wednesday, my boyfriend of 3 years told me he wants a break. He says that he isn't even going to tell anyone, because he has no doubt in his mind that we will be together, but that he just needs some space from me. Also, this is his first winter sober in 8 years so he wants to really find out who he is by himself, and not associate himself as me. If that makes sense.

He said that he just wants some space to find out who he is, and so that we can both learn to be our own person because over the years we've became so dependent on one another and doing things based on the others availability.

He said he wants a little break just so we can learn to be without each other because when we get back together (which we will soon, in his own words) we will be stronger

I'm just having such a hard time dealing with this. So many things have come up for me: if he's staying loyal, how long it will take, etc. etc.

I guess I just need encouragement and kind words to stay strong and for someone to let me know that this is okay, and natural.

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This makes, some sense. I am sorry, it's hard, sounds hard. I'd probably have a hard time, with it, too. Is there, something, about this time of the year, that he needs to resolve, within himself? Some people's depressions and addictions, et al, have some type of starting point. And, maybe, the holiday season, is it, for him? Christmas, was the first time, I ever actually drank, for the sake of drinking/to feel drunk. Never had a dx of alcoholism, but certainly, I can remember, vividly, what, why, when. It was a point of hopelessness.

I can, appreciate, how, he was to resolve what it means to him, to be dependent on another. Goal, of relationships, is a sense of interdependency.

If, you two, weren't on a rocky path, when he decided this, sounds like some type of either spiritual journey, healing journey, whatever you want to label it.

Will, he at least, stay in some type of contact with you? Albeit, minimal contact, like one might, while taking a business trip, or visiting family far away?

The thing is he wants to talk and see me everyday because he doesn't want the distance to get in between our relationship.

Basically, what happened was for three years we became so dependent on each other's schedules. For example, if I wanted to go to yoga practice, I would only go if he was busy. And if he wanted to hang out with friends, he would only do that if I was busy. At work, I would only pick up shifts when he was at work, and he would only take new clients when I was busy. We became that dependent on each other.

He said that he wants to take this break so that we could learn to be ourselves and so our relationship would grow stronger. He said that we broke up for different intentions: not to never be back with each other, but so that we could be stronger.

It all makes sense, but it's so hard. People at work keep saying oh he's probably cheating. But this is a real thing, right?

He said he just wants to be able to hang out with his guys and not worry about what I'm doing. And that he's not even telling anyone because he has no doubt in his mind that we will be together. But I guess I'm really scared that he will enjoy his freedom so much that he won't want to get back with me.

So much heartbreak and confusion.

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People, at work, need to stop!! Seriously, need to stop, saying things like that! Two whole individuals, make a whole relationship. So, instead of catering schedules, to schedules, cater schedules, to when there's yoga, when there's girls night and when there's guys nights, then blend it all together.

If he's not saying, anything, about being apart, to anyone, then you aren't really not together. Just fixing the schedules, so that neither one of you, are missing out on things, because of the other.

Thank you so so so much. I really appreciate it. It's really difficult though, and just really, really hurts.

It hurts the most to not know when things will get better.

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It just realllllllly hurts.

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Then, it's time, to take up, all those missed yoga classes. You've been missing yoga, for him

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Yeah. I am usually so, so, so strong. But for some reason I can't get through this. I've literally been beating myself up. Not eating for a week, no sleeping. SI. :/

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I think he is serious; I think he is being honest, so that's good. I've been in this situation before. I think he just wants to recharge his batteries.

Did it work out for you?

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Yes its a real thing, and if both parties are willing, and committed to the exercise as well as relationship, a very good thing indeed.

There's no rational reason for you to be beating yourself up with worry, starving or self harming, because you 2 have not split up. You are letting fear and anxiety dictate your actions, instead of the reality of the situation.

If I am to understand your post correctly, its not even actual space because there's contact, the only thing that is changing is to not base your schedules on eachother, and to do what you feel like doing, when you feel like doing it, independently.

Yes, I see how it can be hurtful, I'm not minimizing your hurt, but your reaction to a schedule change is a bit worrying, which leads me to believe he's doing this for the right reasons, for both of you.

When I've asked or been asked for space, it was no contact, no text, no calls, no "bumping into eachother" for a set amount of time. Sometimes 2 weeks, sometimes a month, depending on circumstance. So what you are describing does not seem like space, but rather the freedom to explore and enjoy things, without worrying about the other.

This is a good thing, because too many of us get so wrapped up in our relationships / partners, that we lose sight of who we are as individuals. And when that happens, how are we to recognize ourselves, or eachother when the person you fell inlove with no longer exists? Or when the person you were in the beginning, no longer exists?

Its hurtful at first yes, but if you can understand and accept his motives (and there seem to be no ulterior ones) then you can adjust and commit to making this exercise work, and in so doing, strengthen your relationship.

This is just my opinion, but something to think about: If your bf knows how badly you're taking this, how you are not able to actually make a go of this exercise without falling apart, you will prove his dependency issue accurate and it may lead him to take more drastic measures (eg. no contact / longer period of "space" ) to address the dependency problem, or he may want to eventually in future re-evaluate the relationship if this exercise goes belly up and dependency remains the name of the game.

So my advice?
Trust him, and as healing said, embrace those yoga classes you've missed. Have coffee with friends or family etc. And make it fun, "pics or it didn't happen" type of challenge for both of you.
Send him pics of activities you're engaged in, and he can do the same for you. That way you can surprize AND cheer eachother on, because trust me, this is not easy for either of you.

Ps. I hope I didn't come across as harsh

I really appreciate that. Weirdly, I feel much much better about the situation. Everyone who wrote here, thank you for all the support and encouragement. I am the highly anxious type, and very, very on the edge type of person.

The main thing I learned from the experience was that I don't think I understand what it means to trust someone.

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There's always a lesson to be learned from these exercises, and so far you've learned a really big one. This is a good thing, it gives you 2 some material to work with, instead of fumbling in the dark and hoping to strike gold.

Sometimes people do need their space, maybe that is what he needs right now. I don't think it is a bad idea, and if you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you it is yours, if not it was never meant to be, this is something a friend of mine lived by and i think it is an ok thing to do.

Now I understand why you were freaking out about your t being off for 2 weeks. It might help to find an ALANON meeting? Or read some stuff about codependency. Just hang on til your t gets back then you can start working on these issues. I agree with trippin.

Yeah, for sure. I will try to do those thoughtful tips. I think this whole situation just brought up a lot for me. Never before this did I feel like I didn't know how to trust someone - in fact, I used to give my peers talks about trust, specifically about relationship trust. I did a whole presentation for my organization at University on trust. And now I feel like I don't even know who I am if that makes any sense.

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Trusting that this still exists, is a huge step Reading through this, I have great hope, that your bf, must love you dearly, to do this. There's a real chance, he'd love to see you become that woman that you are designed to be. The not even knowing who you are statement, rings solidly true for so many people, at various points in life.
You've conducted presentations on trust, you must be someone who is articulate and able to express themselves, in front of a group of people. Giving talks to your friends, you must be the type of trustworthy friend, who others want to confide in, and respect your opinions.

I'm currently involved, in a LDR. Distance, is something, that makes, things seemingly intangible, at times. There's a wealth of trust, that I need to put out there, and extend my own trustworthiness, in return. Yes, contact, is daily, at the same time, each of us, is out living our lives, not sitting at home, sitting by the phone, so to speak. Seeing, now, jovially, most everyone carries their phone around Developing hobbies, and rediscovering passions, is what takes away those hours that each of us, cannot be together.

I, see this, 'space', as a loving gesture, on your bf's part. Do things, that will help define you, and keep you as a whole, when you come back, together.

I hope so. Thank you for those reassuring words. Tonight I saw him, and after hanging out with him, he gave me a hug and said "you know I still love you right?" And I lost it.

>.<

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