[LandShark]

I'm analytical & Bi-Polar. Several years ago I was having a Bi-Polar communication problem with my husband. I got frustrated & used the phrase "Can you understand me now." I even said it in Polish to see if that made an impact! We never got the situation settled. My feelings got very hurt & my husband left. I cried for several hours while doing some housework.

He came back with some jewelry. I felt like he was trying to bribe me with my favorite things in the world. He brought some earrings & a necklace.

I can't stand the necklace. It's beautiful but I can't look at without it reminding me of my hurt. It's one of those necklaces that you wear & the conversation goes like this:
"That's a lovely necklace."
"Thank you, my husband gave that to me."
"He must love you a lot."
"Thanks."

What I want to say is:
"That's a lovely necklace."
"Thanks, the jerk bought this for me as a bribe for hurting my feelings."

I told him that I thought he was bribing me & to take it back. He said he just wanted to make me happy & show me that he loved me. I wore it once to make him happy. I hate it every time I look at it & decided to never wear it again. I was so upset that I almost threw it into the trash!

Anyway, to the question at hand. One of my favorite rescues is having an auction. I know that the necklace would get a high price for the rescue. I want to donate it, but I don't want my husband to find out. I feel guilty if he ever found out but I think the rescue should have it. This way I'd never have to look at it ever again, make money for the rescue & someone else would appreciate it.

The auction starts Nov 26th, & I don't have much time to do this.

Anyone please weigh on this.

[Christina86]

Will you be able to live with not having it? Will you be able to handle it if/when your husband finds out that you no longer have it?

Donating it is a noble idea, but don't do it out of spite. And be prepared for the fallout if your husband finds out that you've no longer got it.

[1776]

Seems ungrateful. He was trying to make up with you.

[Travelinglady]

Hello, LandShark, and welcome to Psych Central!

Actually, I know more than one husband who has gone out and bought an expensive gift to try to get back in good standing with his wife. For example, one man went out and bought his wife a $300 dress he found out she had been admiring in a fancy store.

And another man often bought his wife expensive jewelry when they had a falling out. (Alas, this situation must have happened relatively often, or he really bought expensive jewelry, because he is now in prison for white-collar embezzling. )

My take on it is that he wasn't trying to bribe you, but rather he really just didn't know how to get back into your good graces, so he wanted to do something nice for you. I know the women I mentioned wore the things their husbands bought.

Of course, it is now your necklace, so you can do what you want with it. But if your husband finds out, then I think he might be hurt.

[too SHy]

This probably does'nt apply to you, but my husband beat me badly and bought me a 10,000 dollar diamond ring. I took the children and left for good. I told him to shove the ring. LOL

[LandShark]

It's funny but I've been trying to type in different responses & thanks to ya'll, I'm going to keep the necklace; but won't wear it until I feel comfortable again. It's going to take awhile.

[Travelinglady]

So sorry, too SHY. I definitely think you should have left.

But just like what I am recommending to LandShark, I would have taken the ring and kept it. I might have sold it under your circumstances, though. But it was yours to do what you wanted with, and if you wanted to refuse it, then that was your choice.

Originally Posted by LandShark

I'm analytical & Bi-Polar. Several years ago I was having a Bi-Polar communication problem with my husband. I got frustrated & used the phrase "Can you understand me now." I even said it in Polish to see if that made an impact! We never got the situation settled. My feelings got very hurt & my husband left. I cried for several hours while doing some housework.

First, I'm glad you kept the jewelry. I don't think it's completely a bad thing to give gifts if you feel bad for a fight or argument that you got into with your SO. I think it's a good thing if it's his way of saying "sorry". People communicate differently. Some people are gift givers and I am one. I do not do this in order to "buy"someone back, although there is an appeasement element to it, that's not all it's about. I am the type that knows that it doesn't make the problem go away but it can help to bring people back to the table where real communication related to the initial problem can return to mature and rational talk.

The part that strikes me is that in the section above, it seems to me that it's not a one way thing. In no way does it sound like he's the only one at fault here. The feeling I get is when you say "can you understand me now?" and in polish even, it is rather insulting and cutting. I'm sure he's not without fault but that you hold such a grudge after a fight seems to make it sound like in your mind he was all wrong and you were not. Rarely is that the case. That it shows HE did something to appease you and nothing in this shows that you've apologized or even feel apologetic for your part in this concerns me.

I'm not trying to be harsh here, and granted I do not know the whole story, but from what you've said that's the impression I get. Just trying to give you another perspective.

[Odee]

I would say to not donate it, but to keep the jewelry. Not everyone knows the words that others want to hear. All your husband knew is that he wanted to fix his relationship with you and 'bribing' was all he could think about. Men don't always understand us, nor why we don't like their solution, but if he finds out what you've done with the jewelry it could be disastrous on his feelings of security.

Hopefully you will be able to learn to see what the worth of the jewelry is in a new perspective. However, I'd rather you be cynical than hear about woman automatically wooed by jewels!

[healingme4me]

I'd say, keep it. And, when the time comes, that the resentment, from this argument passes, you may find loving memories, in this necklace, instead of a painful reminder of a sour moment, in your marriage.