How to be less intimidating?

You do not need or want to be one of "those girls" They are typically conceited, don't take men seriously (because they are spoiled with too many choices) and many times are very shallow. NOT ALL but a lot of the time. Don't even envy them.

The only thing I can come up with from your postings here is that you may be a bit standoffish. Again, I reiterate, please do not think you have to change who you are. Being standoffish and getting in very heated arguments about your opinions on things is not YOU it's a behavior. Behaviors can be changed.

Of course that's the only thing I see here tht might possibly make you intimidating or unappealing as a gf off the bat.

Hmmm, I suppose I may be a bit standoffish, but until recently, I've never really had close friends so I'm used to not opening up and not sharing things and I probably do appear cold and distant. But on the other hand, if I feel comfortable, I tend to open up TOO much, which is what I think happened with this guy.

I will also say that anybody who talks to me/spends any kind of time with me would think of me as cold and distant. Perhaps cynical and a little lost in my head sometimes (the problem with having an active imagination I suppose), but people seem to like me where I am now after they meet and spend time with me.

So, hmmmm….

And yeah, I don't like those girls either. You forgot to mention that they're either morons or are pretending to be (well most of the time at least). I guess now I'm just wondering why so many guys only chase after them when other than maybe being skinnier than me, they have nothing on me when it comes to looks. I guess because they wear dresses and skimpy outfits when I wear tuxes/suits and clothes that cover everything. I've tried the whole wearing revealing outfits thing…doesn't work. Hilariously guys still weren't interested. They probably wouldn't even go after a blatant offer for sex. (Not like I'd blatantly offer it because I'd rather be in a long-term relationship or married before that, but still.)

well tht is something I've experienced. i can be a little too open with people and it is off putting for them. sometimes.

I see nothing wrong in anything you've just described :/ But to each their own.

Well aside from their looks, keep in mind that their whole persona is based on being attractive and they make a career out of being sexy, appealing and fooling men into their traps. (you know the ones I mean) Of course they can't be all that smart even if they are acting dim, because who would want to act that way if they really were all that bright? As for the clothing, well you'll get the type of guy you dress for. If you want one that likes YOU, dress as yourself, if you want one that's trying to rip your clothes off every five minutes and never thinks of much outside of his "3 target areas" then dress in skimpy outfits.

I think hordes of men that go after those types are indeed after one thing. If they even really want a gf they want one that is not seemingly bright either because they are probably womanizers and have a need to dominate anyway. :/ Granted keep in mind these are all generalizations but I do think this is true much of the time.

I seem to always be off putting…especially if it's someone I like. I've been called "creepy" before.

I don't see anything wrong with it either, I'm just brainstorming reasons that people don't like me to see if I can fix any of these things.

I'm not even sure I could pull off "sexy" if I wanted to (I don't want to, at least not in the scenario you described) because I have too much of a childlike innocence about me. Maybe I just can't be seen in a sexual way? Or I can't be seen in a sexual way without guys being bothered by it.

I don't know…still brainstorming...

Hmmm, there's being sexy, in a classy, demure way, and then there's dressing in a sexually, provocative way, that leaves absolutely nothing, to the imagination, which is actually classless.

I've grappled, with what you mean, about, not being approached. Not sure, if it's a social phenomena, in the era of technology or not?
You seem, through your posts, desire someone, with substance. As I was discussing, today, in t, how when I tried, for a whole week, earlier this year, online dating, it just seemed like substance/depth was lacking.
As described, the (making my own analogy now) pool for these types of fish, is scattered. There's more atypicals out there, than the real special ones.
I'm going out, on a limb here, concluding, really, it's them, not you.
Because you are bi(or at least uncertain), your fish pool, is actually a bit bigger.
Waiting around, sucks. That much, is reality. Sometimes, the good ones, are hesitant.
So, imagine, like many, fearing being the doormat, the good catches, proceed with caution:hence this lack of interaction, which May have been the Norm, years, decades past?

I, too, seem, to be brainstorming, with you
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Hi there. I hope I can be of some help.

Let me start by getting something utterly pressing yet entirely unrelated out of the way: I love the avatar. lol Had to be said before I could continue.

I should mention that I started this post, barring the still standing compliment on the Spongebob avatar (I never saw the first one), with a lengthy list of advice drawn from your first post, but then I read you and Sandman's posts. That shed a ton of light on everything that wasn't initially clear in your OP...lol essentially, I'm giving advice to my double here, as you sound almost exactly like me.

I too tend to come off as intimidating...I'm quiet, I'm 6'2", and I wear a jacket or coat at near all times minus the dead of summer (which isn't a fashion statement, it's an "I'm cold" statement...I'm cold natured as one can be). As a result, I tend to become "the creepy guy in the corner with the jacket." As a result, guys are a little slow to get to know me, which is fine, as it does eventually happen, and we either become friends or we settle into the realm of acquaintances. I don't count myself short on friends. Girls, on the other hand, particularly "those girls" that Sandman notes? My female acquaintances are few, and those I actually consider friends and expect the same mutual consideration from can probably fit on one hand.

There is though something to be said for it all. Yeah, I'm not the life of the party, and rarely do people gravitate to me for conversation. But the friends I do have, both male and female, are friends out of a sheer compatibility of personality, and I consider them lifelong friends. We're friends because we know each other, not out of some appreciation for who we could become or what we perceive the other to be. That, I believe, is much more preferable to someone who has a horde of mere acquaintances. It's like the popular kid back in high school. S/he knew of everyone and was known of by everyone, but did they really know much of anyone? Or vice versa?

I would tell you, ultimately, it is best to be who you are, and don't change yourself a bit. Don't ever change who you are to be "compatible" with someone else. That in itself is a relationship built in part off a false pretense, and those rarely stand in the long term. Be happy with who you are. There's only one of you, and that individuality is better than the mass produced guy or gal that society tries to churn out.

As far as being more approachable? That is hard for me to offer advice on, as I too struggle with that. I can tell you right now that being in a jacket when it's 68 degrees out isn't a trait you should adopt. But be yourself. Try not to worry about the perceptions of others insomuch as how they view you on the surface. Granted, first impressions, even mere first physical glances, do count, but it's who you actually are that determines the relationship. That said, what are your interests? You did mention a band...perhaps it would help finding groups with common interests?

I'm sorry I can't offer much in direct response to your question, but I did at least want to offer what I could, and certainly let you know you're not alone. But if you take nothing else away from this post, do take this. Be happy and be proud in who you are.

Hugs,
Harley

I think I might look a little young and act a little too childlike (not necessarily immature, mind you) to be taken as "classy sexy". Perhaps when I'm wearing a tux or suit, but that may be too masculine. Although, oddly enough, men have complemented me when I wear masculine clothes and have laughed at me when I wear a dress. It's almost like others see me as male more than female, but I'm not butch.

Maybe men subconsciously see me as a child or male and they aren't comfortable with that?

I hope it doesn't have to do with technology. I'm adamantly against some technology, like smart phones and social networking. I would only use them if I had no other choice or it was required as part as my career or something, but I wouldn't be happy about it. This seems to throw other people off a bit.

So, if this guy does still like me, but is just nervous about contacting me, what could I do to ease his nerves? I also think he's just bad at communicating with technology in general, so that doesn't help.

It's good, you are both using other means, to communicate. When will you see him again?
Casually, next time seeing him, smile, eye contact, say, 'I really like being around you.' A slight arm touch, May help, gain attention, without it being too bold. Is he above average, intelligence?



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My other avatar was an AxeCop avatar, in case you're still wondering. And I'm obsessed with Spongebob and everything and anything with Spongebob on it.

I prefer a smaller group to a big group and a small group of friends anyway…but I'm often stopped out in public by someone saying they've seen me performing somewhere or just to compliment my hair so it's sort of a taste of being famous which I'd love to be someday. I seem to be someone that's memorable.

I also have male and female friends…but the men are mainly by proxy because I was friends with their wife/girlfriend first. But it's better than not having male friends at all.

I do kind of like how I am and what I look like since almost no one forgets me or mistakes me for anyone else. But maybe that's what is intimidating? Maybe it's because I'm somewhat unpredictable. That's not really what my (our?) generation wants. They want mass produced. I guess because they're easier to replace? Or just easier in general. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong generation.

I have actually found several groups that I have common interests with. Everyone I know is taken. Except the guy I was pursuing or trying to pursue. He may think I'm too young for him though for some reason. He's only 6 years older…it's not THAT big of a deal.

I should see him on the 13th.

I have sort of already used that "I really like being around you" line. I guess I could use it again…but I don't know…he already knows that I like being around him.

We're not really communicating anymore. I just got tired of texting him and him not responding (he responds about 50% of the time) and him never initiating. I suggested other means of electronic communication, but no dice. But he's a good conversationalist if you can get him to talk in the first place. In person, we can talk for hours.

Also, I know you're supposed to touch their arm or something like that, but that's something I'm really not comfortable doing. At least not at this point in the relationship/friendship/whatever.

Well, I agree that 6 isn't *that* big. Granted, some people can find it substantial, and at younger ages that difference seems to be exacerbated (it, for whatever reason, is normally considered stranger for a 24 year old to date a 30 year old than say a 44 year old to date a 50 year old. Makes no numerical sense, but it seems to be that way), but there's no real logical reason behind it.

And perhaps ours. I myself am 20, and I had you figured for being no more than a few years older than I am. Complete ballpark guess there.

I absolutely agree with you on the desire for the "mass produced" thing, but I am not sure it's generational. I think each generation has their own sort of idea of what "attractive" is, but it's all based on culture for the given generation. Take, for example, how Marilyn Monroe was considered drop dead gorgeous for her time, but would now be considered "heavy" or some such nonsense. It changes, but I find in this instance the old saying that the more things change, the more they stay the same to be a truism here.

That said, nonconformity to the "standard" isn't unattractive. You've already acknowledged that you get compliments for your hair (which does, if I'm imagining your description of it, sound pretty awesome ), so there isn't a sort of black and white strictness to it. People just tend, in my experience, to shy away from what isn't totally familiar to them. Perhaps they don't get to know you very well by virtue of that shying away? Just taking a shot in the dark there.

I do still stand fully by what I said. Don't change you. You, I think, will find someone in time. Granted, I know waiting sucks, but it's better to wait and find a guy right for you than to compromise yourself for someone else.

I forgot to answer this earlier…I find his intelligence comparable to mine, so yes, I would say he's above average.

About the age thing…I do have a bad habit of teasing people about age differences, height differences, etc. so I may have gone too far in saying what grade I would have been in when he did XYZ in high school or college (because it was usually 6th or 7th grade). I already teased him about something else that he actually found amusing…but I probably went too far.

Age-wise, I'm in my mid-20's, he's in his early 30's. In sounds like a lot more on paper than it does in real life. It may be completely one-sided, but I feel like we're close in age in real life, if that makes sense. If there is a problem there, either with the age difference or my joking about it, I wish he'd tell me. But I think he's either shy, has issues with communication (which at first he seemed to be pretty good at, but maybe just at a superficial level), or hasn't been involved with anyone in a long time. Or all three.

Or I wish he could at least tell me the ideal way/time of day to contact him, and if he's the type that prefers talking everyday or not. I feel like I've opened up more to him and him to me, but then again, that's my own fault.

I wish I knew how to engage in a conversation with him about this without making him feel uncomfortable. I sort of want to know if there's any possibility of anything beyond friendship or not. I don't want to make it awkward between us since we play in an ensemble together.

I may have part of the answer to that question...

By that same analogy, many expensive consumer goods have high demand just because of what they are (sports cars come to mind). So if the product is good enough, a higher selling price isn't going to make people want it less. So maybe I'm too "expensive" for my quality?

I wish I had a solution for you but the truth is I would never think anyone is too expensive for their "quality" Because first off, quality with regards to people is entirely subjective. What one man finds junk, another would find a treasure.

I still contend that it's the right man you need. one that would not be intimidated. you need one that has a certain quality that would be able to match you. You just haven't found him yet.

I wish I had the solution for finding that particular man. I know he's out there for you though.

How do you know there's someone out there? Aren't there quite a few people who stay single their whole life.

And who knows how long my life will even be? Apparently, I'm really susceptible to tumors/cancer and my doctor is extremely surprised that I don't have a tumor or cancer.

There's something physically wrong with me and they can't figure it out, so who knows how many years I have left? At this point, it may just be too cruel to find someone.

How to be less intimidating?

Yeah. That's a question I asked myself for years. I twisted myself into all sorts of knots trying to be less intimidating, trying to be what I thought "less intimidating" was. Well, I'm a large-framed guy. Some might describe me as being rather "bearish". And I have a God-given sort of scowl built on to my face. There's no denying it. I'm intimidating as hell. I've had both men and women tell me that my whole life. "God! You were the most intimidating man I've ever met! You scared the hell out of me and I avoided you every chance I could!! But then, I got to know you... yeah, you're bearish alright... a big teddy bear".

Anyway. I'm an old guy now. And I still intimidate people with my looks, my demeanor, my very presence, my self-confidence... you name it I've heard it all. I'm intimidating.

But ya know what? I'm me. I'm not intimidating to me. Others PERCEIVE me as being intimidating. But honestly, that's their stuff, not mine. It look me many years to figure that out. I AM WHO I AM. I'm a really nice guy. I'm a genius. I'm self-confident. I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm intuitive as can be. I'm in Love with my wife more than words can say and I want the world to know it. I'm standoffish as all get-out. I can feel insecure when I'm in new social situations. I'm often outspoken and opinionated. (But I'm always right!... well...) I'm all the things you described about yourself... and more. I'm me. And I like that.

I stopped trying to be less intimidating a long time ago. EVERYBODY has a different idea of what intimidates them. There are as many reasons to feel intimidated as there are people in the world. So, it occurred to me, "How on Gods Green Earth can I POSSIBLY not intimidate everyone?" The answer is, I can't. The best I can do is to just be myself and to be genuine with everyone... and to not try to be anything else... not try to LOOK differently, or ACT differently or treat anyone differently than I'd want to be treated. I do what's genuinely in my own heart. And I'm happy. I'm not responsible for trying to figure out how other people perceive me. They'll think whatever they want to think and that's that.

I'm not saying that it was EASY to learn how to be comfortable in my own skin, because I'm STILL working on that little chore. But, it was still easier to learn to be genuine than it was for me to try to be something I wasn't. I'll always be a work-in-progress though, even though I'm 60 years old now. (When did THAT happen and how did I get so old? I'm still only 25...sigh)

You sound like my wife did all those years ago... She was afraid she'd never meet the right guy too. Oh, and there's the whole biological clock thing too. I dunno... I guess it's something people, especially women, worry about when they're young. Guys, not so much. Everyone knows that guys get better with age. Women just age... God, I hate sexism!

Anyway, I wish you the very best this life has to offer. I hope you learn to relax more and learn to love who you are, JUST as you are! Try not worry so much about how to make other people like you... because once you learn to like yourself more, others will too. It'll happen. You're much too smart to let it NOT happen. And, my dear, you ARE smart... and that's a wonderful thing.

Dan

I'm not sure if anybody has said anything to you about becoming assertive. Assertive people hold power by being confident but not overly confident. The way they hold themselves is what you would describe as more graceful and the way they speak which is calm and firm. Which they are themselves by being direct on their thoughts and ideas. They are who they want to be and also assertiveness is of course not 24/7. You do need to be passive and aggressive in certain situations also.

Plus, you of course will be intimidating to people no matter what because everybody is different. It the way they control themselves and their own emotions. What matters is being able to look at yourself and say hey I am me. That step then leads you to being happy around others even when they are less tolerant themselves of who you are.

It would depend on the man. I have met several men who don't think that way. It can of course be difficult considering most of our society is low on themselves. The men who feel that way are the one who need help to realize that women don't need them just as much as men don't need us.

Though love is a necessity part of being happy in life. I would say it's more like we need people so we can be happy in life.

Another problem with looking the way I want/being who I want to be is isolating myself from my remaining family. I definitely can't do that now because of money.

And there's the issue of employment…no one wants to hire me for anything as it is. As money (and life) permits, I would like a few more piercings and some tattoos. The sorts of jobs I'm interested in for the most part wouldn't care about that, but the reality is I may just have to go with whoever would hire me, whether I like it or not.

At least where I live now, everyone around me are the type of people who except everyone no matter what. But what if I'm forced to move for employment reasons…even though there's 300,000 in this city and about 1,000,000 in the area, so there should at least be a job I could get temporarily right? Nope. Not with my specialties.

I also have a fear that when I get my eyebrow pierced again (the first one migrated and had to be taken out) that it would put off the guy I'm attracted to now or others in the future. I know that sounds terribly superficial, but some people are morally against piercings and tattoos. Even if they're not judgmental about it, it makes them think less of you.

I just don't know…I'm starting to go off topic now I think, but piercings/tattoos are going to make me look much more intimidating.

I believe I'm assertive…at least I was at one time. I may have become less so when I tried to be super nice to everyone and I also hate saying no to people, but I have done it when I've had to.

And I know I'll be intimidating to SOME people, but it seems like I'm intimidating to ALL guys my age. Doesn't help that I have an alpha-male personality. I really only truly get along with beta-male types because that way their isn't constant jockeying for power. But those sort of guys are usually terrified of me, which makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint. But two alpha-males are not going to get along without a lot of conflict. I prefer less conflict.

I don't know if I completely agree, at least not from my personal perspective. I have a need for emotional and physical intimacy (like cuddling, not straight up sex) but to me, it's all within the realm of sexuality and seems wrong with just friends (unless it's friends with benefits, but that's not the sort of relationship I'd prefer).

So with only friends in my life, there wouldn't be true emotional and physical intimacy for me because that would seriously cross a line of appropriateness with someone I'm not in a relationship with. So to be truly fulfilled, I believe that I would want to be in a relationship and not just have friends.

Disliking tattoos or body piercings is not necessarily "morally" related. Some people just are not attracted to certain things or looks. I don't care for either but don't judge at all. Just not sexy, IMO. Others feel the opposite. 😊