[Broncos38]

My fiancee's mother is against cohabitation for us to live together due financial reasons. But I had a voice mail from hr she said I have second interview which is a good sign. How are we going to approach her mother about living together. It's not a crime to do so cause I can't make it by myself and constant driving to see my fiancee. Her mother just doesn't want to workout anything not even compromise.

[FrayedEnds]

how could your fiancee's mother stop her from moving out?

[Ionic]

maybe u need stronger support from ur fiancee#her mother is a bit too manipulative

Just think of all the years of wondrous bliss you and your fiance are gonna have with this meddling mother manipulating your every move!

Wait a minute, that response was a bit too vague ...

Until you and your fiance kick mom to the curb, you can expect this to continue forever.

Is this really what you want for yourself the rest of your life?

You've got some serious decisions to make, and your fiance is either with you or she isn't.

If you choose to continue on the current course, you are going to be angry and miserable the rest of your life because you are allowing another person to "control" you.

Think about it!

[healingme4me]

What's there, to compromise on?! Your fiancé is an ADULT!!

[healingme4me]

Let me ask, since you mentioned, in another thread, on this topic, about housing. Your fiancé may, I presume, receive some medical benefits? And if so, due to her epilepsy, is her mother, your fiancé's mother, 'dependent' on that income? Is that, perhaps, part of this???

[trekeegirl]

I think it's more 'cause my mom has become so dependent on me to do work around the house for her. I have been doing A LOT of chores around the house since I was 8 years old!! My brothers are starting to pick up some of them, when I am not at home, but I REALLY LOVE MY fiancee-Broncos38-and want to move in with him ASAP!! I really am getting fed up with the way my mother treats me at home, then when I try and tell her how I feel she turns things around on me. My FATHER is even afraid to confront her, he normally just lets things go, but when he tried to intervene today during the argument on several occasions, he ended up showing how scared he is to approach my mom about things. This often makes me feel like I'm getting punished for speaking up to my mom, because like me; the rest of the household is afraid to approach her or disagree with her.
We used to be a really tight-knit family, now it seems we are falling apart because I speak my mind about anything.

Time for talking about it is over!

It's time for action!

Just Go!

Sever all contact & never look back!

The old sow will get the message then!

LOUD & CLEAR!!!

Or you (and your fiance) can continue to allow her to manipulate and abuse you.

The choice is yours.

It took me 33.5 years to escape mine ...

I hope it doesn't take you the same amount of time.

You can't ever get those years back and the longer you stay the more damaging it will be!

Sad But True!

[Broncos38]

Originally Posted by Pfrog

Time for talking about it is over!

It's time for action!

Just Go!

Sever all contact & never look back!

The old sow will get the message then!

LOUD & CLEAR!!!

Or you (and your fiance) can continue to allow her to manipulate and abuse you.

The choice is yours.

It took me 33.5 years to escape mine ...

I hope it doesn't take you the same amount of time.

You can't ever get those years back and the longer you stay the more damaging it will be!

Sad But True!

What kind of damage? And we're going to have an apartment by Tuesday this week.

What Kind Of Damage?

The kind of damage that emotional abuse causes!

What this mother has done to her daughter and is now doing to you as well.

When you've been brainwashed and gaslighted into feeling like you aren't capable of trusting your own mind and thought processes.

When, as an adult, you won't make your own decisions regarding your life, but still allow your parents (or hers) to do it for you ... Even if it ISN'T what you want or desire.

When you allow other adults to sabotage your life by interfering with your job, promotions, living arrangements, etc.

If you allow this meddling sow to come into your apartment, then it won't be your apartment for long.

Hope you are able to establish some extremely firm and clear boundaries pertaining to that!

If not, the damages will just continue to add up.

Hope y'all've got a good therapist to help you sort through all the debris so you can become healthy, independent, functioning adults ... Preferably without the meddling mother!

If that's what you want.

Who knows, you may be so enmeshed you can't live without the drama and trauma she keeps causing y'all.

Only y'all can decide when enough is enough!

Some people thrive on having their lives in constant chaos.

Maybe that's y'all, I don't know.

I'd rather live alone with absolutely nothing than to ever allow someone to ever disrupt my emotional and physical well-being ever again!

Good Luck & Best Wishes Figuring It All Out!

[Trippin2.0]

IMO you are asking allll the wrong questions...

The question why your future MIL won't allow you to anything obviously doesn't get you anywhere.

The question you should be asking, is why two grownass people think they need anybody's permission to do ANYTHING...

You've posted numerous questions about why you can't get permission, what kind of consequences or damages will ensue and people have answered as best they can.

I think what keeps you posting on the same topic is the fact that you're asking the wrong questions and thus receiving the wrong responses...

You guys are in therapy, so use it to your advantage. Ask the therapist to help you transition into independant adults, thus making your own decisions, and in so doing, live the life you both want to lead.

Actually starting to wonder ... Reckon we're being played?

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by Pfrog

Actually starting to wonder ... Reckon we're being played?

Yes actually. I came to that conclusion in an earlier thread after my first response of "you're adult, make your own decisions and face the consequences" was met with "what type of consequences?"... I even elaborated but that lead to more questions,even though I can't read FMIL's mind... So I've refrained from replying to anything again until now...

[trekeegirl]

My fiancee is just really concerned about me. We are NOT playing you. As his fiancee, I ca tell you my fiancee WOULD NOT play ANYBODY,nor WOULD I!! Just because he's tried several times to get opinions in different ways doesn't mean he's playing you. HE'S REALLY CONCERNED about me and has done nothing, but care about me. WE GENUINELY LOVE EACH OTHER!!
I just got into another argument with my mother yesterday, and my father tried a couple times to break it up, I had my fiancee listening to the whole thing over the phone in my pocket, my mom didn't even know!! He wanted to NOT go to his job and come by me to help me after the argument, I had to convince him to go to his job so we could have some money. HE's My Knight In shining Armor!!

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by trekeegirl

I think it's more 'cause my mom has become so dependent on me to do work around the house for her. I have been doing A LOT of chores around the house since I was 8 years old!! My brothers are starting to pick up some of them, when I am not at home, but I REALLY LOVE MY fiancee-Broncos38-and want to move in with him ASAP!! I really am getting fed up with the way my mother treats me at home, then when I try and tell her how I feel she turns things around on me. My FATHER is even afraid to confront her, he normally just lets things go, but when he tried to intervene today during the argument on several occasions, he ended up showing how scared he is to approach my mom about things. This often makes me feel like I'm getting punished for speaking up to my mom, because like me; the rest of the household is afraid to approach her or disagree with her.
We used to be a really tight-knit family, now it seems we are falling apart because I speak my mind about anything.

Don't look at it, as a punishment, even though it classifies as punishing behavior. Sounds, like your family dynamics, have been structured around tiptoeing around your mom. Your expressed desire to move, is crushing her 'imagined world'. Sounds like, a parent, that has had a most difficult time, letting her children grow up and leave. Which could be part of her own baggage. I'm not sure what type of childhood your mom has had.

It's ironic, that she's babied your epilepsy, at the same time, has had you performing chores, most of your life. Kids weren't designed to be their parents caretakers.

Have you done any outside self-help, in discovering the dynamics of being raised in dysfunction? It's usually, referred to, as being an 'Adult Child'. Sounds, like, you may have grown up, too fast, in the sense that you were expected to do adult chores, as a child; not sure, how else, but that's something to explore in therapy.

It's not easy, overcoming the after-effects of being a child that had an overbearing parent. It's never easy. On the one hand, you can see the goodness, on the other hand, you can see where it's not fair, not being able to be allowed to grow into the adult, that you were meant to grow into!

And, Congrats, saw, Broncos38's post, about Tuesday and your new apartment!!

Let the healing begin, from there.

I apologize for feeling like I'm being played ...

My misgivings have more to do with me and my @#$%! than it does with y'all and your @#$%!.

It just hits close to home for me and my own personal experience with this kind of controlling mom and I guess I remember how freaky it was 20 years ago when I was having to escape and all those feelings of doubt and dread, etc.

I truly hope y'all get away preferably before you are as old as I was when I escaped because each year will just compound the confusion, dread and doubt y'all are feeling about "getting away".

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

[Broncos38]

Originally Posted by Pfrog

I apologize for feeling like I'm being played ...

My misgivings have more to do with me and my @#$%! than it does with y'all and your @#$%!.

It just hits close to home for me and my own personal experience with this kind of controlling mom and I guess I remember how freaky it was 20 years ago when I was having to escape and all those feelings of doubt and dread, etc.

I truly hope y'all get away preferably before you are as old as I was when I escaped because each year will just compound the confusion, dread and doubt y'all are feeling about "getting away".

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

Me and my fiancee got approved for a apartment. We are going to look at it on Monday. We will take it and move in in January. But how can my fiancee move out without her mom knowing it? And I'm waiting on my job too.

[healingme4me]

Not sure how you'll ever get her stuff out, under her moms watchful eye...
Has she considered bare essentials, leave everything else behind, or, being adult about it, and say this is happening.

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[Broncos38]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Not sure how you'll ever get her stuff out, under her moms watchful eye...
Has she considered bare essentials, leave everything else behind, or, being adult about it, and say this is happening.

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

She is moving in when her mom is at school. And is a teacher but not happening til January 6.