[misunderstood<3]

Hello

I guess I will start with some background on my mom. Born and raised in a European country, very poor, little education. At the age of five was shipped off to another country to keep her safe from war, and five years later ripped out of that environment to go back with her family. First issue abandonment. Finally back home, dad was completely unavailable to her and abusive to her mother. Get married through an arranged marriage, husband (my dad) also completely unavailable emotionally.

Fast forward...two kids later they come to the US. She learns to speak, read and write enough to get by. Divorced when I was 16. Remember she has very little education and a language barrier, so the best she can do is minimum wage work, and I become the head of the household. I finally move out at 22 and she remarries and move to Florida.

Okay, She calls me everyday. If I do not pick up the phone she calls repeatedly until I answer. Usually she is in a panic by call 3. Then she starts calling my sons or my brothers to find out if they know why I am not answering. She tells me thing like "you are my rock" or "I don't know what I would do without you." When she finally gets me on the phone, she has nothing really to talk about except her list of complaints, her sick friends, or what she cooked for dinner. Oh, and she always sounds depressed.

To say she is suffocating me would be an understatement! BUT I have no balls to tell her to stop because I feel sorry for her. I know she needs therapy, but at 72 there is no way her pride would ever let her admit it. HELP!!!! I'm losing my mind and I really need some separation from her.
Any and all advice will be welcomed and considered.

If you have been through this yourself, I would especially like to hear how you handles it.

Thanks!

[Travelinglady]

Hi! I remember hearing about your mom from the New Member Intro, and you might recall I said that my mom was somewhat the same way. It's interesting how she has latched on to you more so than your other family members. But am I right that you are her only daughter?

I understand your feeling sorry for her, but that said, you need to keep your sanity and have your own life, too. I am thinking she might have borderline personality disorder, but I am not sure. However, I do suggest you read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells." The main issue is setting some boundaries.

I had to get a therapist to support me in being able to set boundaries with my mom, so I do recommend that, too.

[curley]

Hi Misunderstood. Wow your mom had quite a life!! Maybe if she wrote a book it would keep her busy.... No.... but seriously, if your moms behavior bothers you that much you are the only one that can do anything to change it! She is smothering you and no one else. Sorry, but as you put it.....grow some.... or deal with all the calls!
If you ask your sons or your brothers to say something it is putting them in a position to say how you feel etc. If you choose to talk to your mom be prepared for hurt feelings but if you choose the right time and right words she may still be offended or hurt, but with time will understand.
No easy way to go! Good luck

Perhaps it's not so much that you need to cut her off, not that that's what you're thinking but some might say that on impulse. But I think maybe you need to set up boundaries that are both fair and reasonable to you but also take into account that it's not that you don't care for your mother but that it's too much clinging that she does.

Make provison for her in such a way that allows for her to be able to have access to you but within reasonable limits. Without making her feel brushed off try to make her understand that sometimes it's just more than you can handle but you do want to be there for her. I don't know what the boundaries would be but that would be something ot think about. perhaps set it up so that you talk to her consistently but on a scheduled basis and if she calls outside of those times, and you don't answer, she knows why that is. Just some ideas.

[moremi]

I think shes your mother and you only get one. Shes in her seventies and you should be enjoying her while you have her instead of acting this way. Im sorry if I sound rude but to me it sounds like you are saying a phone call everyday to the woman that raised you is just a bother. Be grateful for what you have and be good to your mother. The day will come when you will give anything for one of those annoying calls.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337 using Tapatalk