[hvert]

I met Sara seven years ago. She is in her early 70s. I am in my late 30s. When we met, we both participated in activities related to shared interests. Now we only get together for lunch every six weeks or so.

For the past year and a half, I've noticed that Sara has become intolerably rude. She interrupts me in mid-sentence to tell me a completely unrelated story about herself. If I ask a supporting question during one of her stories, she ignores it and just talks more loudly. If someone is talking to me in a group situation, she talks over them, as if they are not there.

I spoke to her on the phone yesterday after a two month hiatus and she did not stop talking for 23 minutes. When I finally got a chance to get a word in, she told me she had to go.

The last time I saw her, I was determined to not let her monologue at me. I succeeded, but the end result was that she left early, seemed angry, and didn't contact me for several months.

I'm not sure if this was a dramatic change or a slow, steady buildup of increasingly rude behavior. I've realized recently that I have a very bad pattern of surrounding myself with conversational narcissists. Sara always tended to tell long stories about her past, which was okay before she started repeating them.

If it weren't for her age, I would just end this friendship. However, I feel guilty, like I am abandoning her because she turned into a boring old lady who talks all the time and asks me for favors. A comment earlier this year about wanting to surround herself with people who would take care of her as she got older really rubbed me the wrong way.

I wonder about her behavior being related to a medical condition, but I am not really sure what I could do even if that were the case. I'm not her only lifeline. She sees her children, grandkids, and sister several times each week. I suspect she has a more active social life than I do.

Has anyone confronted a friend about this kind of issue and had good results? I've let this go on for so long that I'm not sure I want to spend time with her even if she stops. I enjoyed doing things with her when we first met, but I do not enjoying talking with her.

[River11]

Hi hvert

What an unpleasant situation! I don't have exactly this sort of experience to draw from, but I would like to encourage you that, especially as this lady has other support people in her life, there's no need for you to feel guilty. It's a healthy thing to have and respect your boundaries.

And it seems to me that you're not rejecting her because she's become boring but withdrawing because her behaviour leaves no room for friendship. Sure it would be good if someone helped her recognise this ... Maybe someone has? Would she be open and able to work on it now?? I think, if you feel you can tell her why it no longer feels like a friendship to you and explaining that her behaviour makes it impossible for you to enjoy her company then great; if not, it doesn't have to be your responsibility. Especially as you're not leaving her lonely.

Hope that helps!

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by hvert

If it weren't for her age, I would just end this friendship. However, I feel guilty, like I am abandoning her because she turned into a boring old lady who talks all the time and asks me for favors. A comment earlier this year about wanting to surround herself with people who would take care of her as she got older really rubbed me the wrong way.

I wonder about her behavior being related to a medical condition, but I am not really sure what I could do even if that were the case. I'm not her only lifeline. She sees her children, grandkids, and sister several times each week. I suspect she has a more active social life than I do.

Has anyone confronted a friend about this kind of issue and had good results? I've let this go on for so long that I'm not sure I want to spend time with her even if she stops. I enjoyed doing things with her when we first met, but I do not enjoying talking with her.

Yes, I confronted on a similar issue, but with bad results. Or good - ending the friendship. If a person can't negotiate problems, then . . . it won't work. I think you can take age out of the equation, and also be relieved you are not her only connection. But it's hard to broach these subjects with anyone. About it possibly being disorder-related, I guess you could ask her family.

[hvert]

Thank you both for your kind words and confirmation that it's okay to set boundaries! I grew up with a narcissist father and a martyr mother, so my idea of where boundaries should be is really, really bad. This particular friend in some ways combines traits of both my parents.

I am not sure why I am so bothered by this, but I am. I feel like I am being a coward by not talking with her about it, but it's just not a conversation I want to have.

I like the idea that her behavior leaves no room for friendship. It's not just the talking. I don't really know how to explain it, but she offers me favors I don't want (or accept). I think in her mind, this means we are even if she asks me to do those things for her (which I generally don't).

She doesn't sound like a great person from this description, but she does do a lot of work with an at-risk population. She will give someone in need her last ten dollars. She's often taken advantage of by people with sob stories who drop her when they are done using her for rides to work or loans they never pay back. Sometimes it seems like I am the only person she can 'take' from. I think she's actually mentioned that herself.

I've been tempted to speak with her family, but I've never met them. I think I could find contact info for her daughter or sister, but I would worry that they would report the conversation.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by hvert

I like the idea that her behavior leaves no room for friendship. It's not just the talking. I don't really know how to explain it, but she offers me favors I don't want (or accept). I think in her mind, this means we are even if she asks me to do those things for her (which I generally don't).

...

I've been tempted to speak with her family, but I've never met them. I think I could find contact info for her daughter or sister, but I would worry that they would report the conversation.

That behaviour sounds manipulative.
Report the conversation to her? Well, that would be unfortunate, but you're not in control of what they do, and if you asked it'd only be in a caring way, right? But whatever you do is okay, and she'll be okay.