Family & friend interference in a relationship

Hi

I need your opinion on the following experience I had.

I met a man while living abroad. All went very well for one week, he told his family and friends about me, started making plans with me...
After that I traveled for my work for one week (I got very confusing messages from him during that time even though he seemed to miss me) but I got worried and took an earlier plane. I arrived around 10PM. He was not in a good state. He nevertheless convinced me to come with him to his country to visit his relatives and friends the next day. He had no time to let his mother know of my arrival so she seemed surprised when I got there. Ok, that can happen but he had told her that he had a girlfriend so I was a bit puzzled. On the other hand I remember that she didn't sound thrilled when my ex told her a week earlier over the phone that he was in love with me. I brought a gift of course and chatted with his mum. We had not that much in common but I made an effort and I like to get to know people who are different from me. That's how you learn.

Apparently I did a series of social mistakes. Nothing serious I'm aware of. She says that I forgot my underwear on her couch (we had to leave in a rush to a wedding). I am a neat person so I will have to take her word for it. Anyway, that was a crime in her eyes. But she didn't tell me anything. I cooked a meal for her and made lots of efforts. In vain. Instead she took my boyfriend on the side and told him that she didn't want me in her house. She even gave him money so he would take me to the next city under the pretext of an excursion and dump me there.

He changed his mind and stayed with me. But after that, he was torn between his mother's rejection of me and his feelings for me. I wonder if she knew that we were still together when we returned to Spain. As a result of this tension we fought a lot. I couldn't figure out what was going on because I didn't have all the information.
At some point she told my ex that she had heard wild rumors about me being kicked out of the wedding (I was sitting the whole evening next to my boyfriend). In fact we left the wedding with someone else because we needed the ride but a drunken friend of his yelled at me "You don't want him to drink with us!". He was very agressive. I have no doubt that he started that rumor.

My exes mother refused to believe her son and insisted that I had been kicked out of the wedding. Which is ironic because I was the one looking out for her son while his friends, who took cocaine according to him, just wanted to get him wasted.

We flew back to his place but the shadow of this experience was constantly over our heads.

1 month later my ex moved back to his country. He wanted me to move there too, which wasn't a problem for me. I wanted to take my own flat to see how things would evolve. But first I moved to my own country to see my family.

When he asked me to go on a trip with him in his country (a normal thing for a couple, no?), he told me that his mother told him that he was mad. Apparently his friends believed we were not together anymore. He told his best friend in my presence that he was with someone else. You can imagine how I felt.
His mother stayed constantly in touch with him over the phone which of course ruined our trip and she finally guilted him into coming back. I think she blamed me for a job interview that didn't go well but I hadn't arrived at that point!

A few days later he broke up, not even in person but by email.
He now lives at his mother's place. We could have separated in a civil manner but that seems an illusion now. Any simple request (not to trash me on his facebook wall, to remove a pic I took of him, to unfriend me) turns into a lengthy battle. He has decided to please his mother, fine, but can't he just live with it and move on instead of venting against me and making every single process a lengthy power struggle with me. Why this need to win over me? Everything went according to what he/she wanted so why make things so complicated? I just want my peace.

His mum is completely unaware of the unfairness of her actions towards me and how much she's harming her son with her behavior. I am of course not perfect. I could have handled some things with more serenity but I'm human and there's no way I deserved being treated like a criminal for minor things.
What happened to talking things out, instead of making judgements? I felt like Joseph K in Kafka's "The Trial".

I wrote her a thank you note before I knew about the rumors but I think that her son didn't give it to her because she had already told him about the rumors by then. I wrote her today another one (because he's ignoring my simple and I believe reasonable request to stop trashing me) asking her to tell her son to stop his friends from trashing me (I had gotten a message on FB from his friends who used his mobile phone, while he was at the bar apparently, to call me a "**** up", another strange friend wrote some absurd and nasty stuff about me on my exes wall...).
His mum wrote back "You're a piece of work" and started mentioning the underwear as a proof of my awful personality. So I decided to tell her what no one seems to have the guts to tell her: that her behavior is harming her son. She has taught him that communication functions through ignoring people, not telling them the whole truth, portraying them as mentally ill if they ask for respect, guilting them into doing things. I never had a simple and honest conversation with her. She could have easily told me that this or that bothered her and I would have taken it into account but no.

I know that she believes she's right and it's of course easier to vilify me (my ex is doing the same thing) but that's my opinion.
I've given you the facts as I know them. Of course my exes friend may have come up with even more fairytales I'm not aware of.

I don't want to know who's the bad guy but tell me, did I have any chance here from the start? I made so many efforts to please others that I feel like I lost myself in the process. The few times I said "no more" the backlash was terrible. I was perceived as irrational, unpredictable, vile. My ex even called me a psychopath because at some point I couldn't take the tension and agressivity anymore and I yelled back at him. I never called him a psychopath and he never apologized or even seemed to regret saying that.

I'm glad I don't have to walk on eggs anymore but I thought I'd share this story to get your opinion.

You don't say what country your guy was from (unless I missed something), but some people in certain countries are very strict about who their children marry. The fact that you were not from that country could have doomed you from the beginning.

The guy was taking a big chance that his family would accept you. It could be that he was seen as making a big mistake by everybody--and he would lose all the family, friends, and contacts he would have.

I am sorry this happened to you, but I suspect it was for the best.

He's European as I am. He had foreign girlfriends before. I do believe it could have worked for a while as long as he didn't return to his country. I'm glad though that his friends and families didn't like me (his best friend actually liked me before he got brainwashed as well) because who wants a boyfriend who is with you only as long as his entourage is fine with it? So yes, I'm lucky I found out early on. It was for the best indeed He actually repeated word for word the criticism his mother made of me. No filter, no critical mind.

Yes, it was good you found out early how tied to his family he is. I can imagine if you had gotten married, then you would have been miserable!

By the way, welcome to Psych Central!

Thanks. Yes! I don't think someone who is so much under the influence of others is capable of true love. When you love someone you work harder at convincing your family and friends. You don't give up at the first sign of displeasure, however strong that displeasure may be.
I remember now that he said that his best friend thought that I was a good influence. I thought it was a compliment but what he said was: "My mum hates you, but my best friend doesn't so for now I am convinced". I miss the part where I, me, moi was truly "convincing" him of anything.