Off Again (for good?)

I've been in a relationship for almost 19 years. It's a long story but suffice it to say that we've had a lot of difficult times. We both suffer from depression & have a hard time dealing with the demands of everyday life. We have what I'd call a tumultuous relationship which has been on again/off again many many times. We used to live together then broke up, but then got back together (living separately). Now, however, I think we might have reached the end for real.
My partner (I'll call her A) has become a very angry & self absorbed person. She wallows in self pity & in her mind her victimization began at conception. Now I'm not a fan of either of my parents but to hear A refer to hers as "rutting pigs" makes me wince. I mean if she can't forgive them for conceiving her how can I ever get A to forgive me for some of the things I've done?
I freely admit that I'm not perfect & have done things that I'm ashamed of. At times I've treated her badly but I think I've really changed in the last couple of years. I have less of a temper now, I drink a lot less, & I yearn for a sense of calm. I just don't want to fight any more. Life is hard enough for me with my emotional issues & practical difficulties (ie. I'm poor).
The last time I spoke to A it was New Year's Eve. I called her & she informed me that she didn't think we had a real "relationship" & that I was a taker & all she did was give & give with no appreciation on my part. I told her if that's how she really felt maybe we should be apart. She agreed. That was about a week ago & since then we've had no contact. Usually when we fight after a couple of days one of us will phones or visit the other but this time it feels different. Maybe our relationship really is over. I can't help but feel sad- 19 years is a long time & despite all our fights there was a time when A loved me. Now I'm alone (with the exception of my wonderful cats) & although I'm lonely & a bit lost I'm also relishing in the quiet & peace. I haven't been insulted or demeaned in days & that feels good.
If anyone can identify with my situation or if you have any suggestions on dealing with the loss of my long term relationship please write back. It would be nice to have a little support. Thanks.

Hi Evilregalreginafan - your description of the situation between you and your partner sounds like it has unhappy aspects, yet there was love. 19 years is a long time to have a relationship. It's unfortunate that A seems to feel victimized, but for her maybe things were unpleasant for her - so it might be that she doesn't feel validated or heard or understood when someone else wants her to forgive (maybe it's like jumping ahead too many steps for her - and she's not at that point yet, not ready yet). That's great that you have not been treating her badly for the last few years, and that your temper & drinking are also less. That sense of calm that you crave without fighting - it is possible. These sound like some of your strengths now - that you want the calm, and that you phoned her, and that you are aware of your feelings of sadness right now about the thought of your relationship being over, and that you appreciate your cats. That peace and quiet is to be valued. I remember in the past when my sister and mother were picking on me (and my mother started pushing me, and my sister was threatening me) - so I left home - with the result that I felt great to be away from them both (and I slept beautifully while carrying on with other important aspects of my life - yet saddened still that they would treat me so horribly). As for the possible loss of your relationship - consider the stages of grieving that you might be going through - might be shock/disbelief, denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression, acceptance, hope (and these can occur in any order, without specific time limits - there's no rushing the process) - it takes time. So allow yourself this time to grieve. It is normal to feel this way. You can find happiness, so be gentle with yourself. It probably does feel good for you to be able to say that you have not been insulted or demeaned in days. Suggestions - allow yourself time, come to the forum whenever you might find it useful to have someone listen (well - you know what I mean).